I am sure you can imagine my joy when I got the mail from yesterday today and saw the Disney vacation planning DVD. THAT really made me feel good...

And I know it was probably too late to unsend it... so I was expecting it... but it still made me feel... pretty bad.

I went for a walk after that. I was going to take the metro somewhere, but I realized that when I got back it would be too dark. So, I just walked down to the Starbucks on Magnolia.

I'm so mad at myself. While passing Halloween costume shops, I thought a lot about my birthday when I was walking and how I'm actually dreading it... I've NEVER felt that way before. But, then again, I've never been in a situation where NO ONE around me will care. If I would have still been at the OG it would be ok---I was there long enough for people to know about it/want to do something with me. But I only know a COUPLE people at the MG really well (besides the people who came from the OG, of course), and I don't want to go announcing it to them anyway... probably because I am not looking forward to it at all. I'm sure Leona and Kellee will care... but other than that, it's kind of hopeless.

And then I thought back to my going away party last year. Jim was being kind of mean to me right before I moved here, and I remember sitting there crying and saying "How can I leave people who would miss me this much for THAT GUY??"

Jim didn't care about my birthday at all last year, but I was so excited. I went home that weekend because I knew it would be stupid to spend it with someone who didn't even care. My birthday wasn't GOOD at home (it was kind of depressing), but at least my family and Dix huit cared. Of course, to top everything off, the thing Jim wanted to do sooo badly on my birthday rather than hang out with his girlfriend, he didn't even end up doing. Leona wanted me to break up with him then... he doesn't think of anyone but himself and he proves it over and over. Even when he's trying to be giving (ie, only donating to charities for presents), I feel like he's only doing it to uphold the image he wants people to see of him.

I don't think it's working.

How can anyone think you're a good person when you have no concern for the people who ARE in your life? I hate to quote musicals for important things, but I will, because if you're going to quote ANY musical, it might as well be "Hair":
And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who say they care about social injustice
Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

He takes his family for granted, he took ME for granted. I bet if he could break up with his family, he'd do that, too. It's like... we know too much. We know, SOMEWHERE in there is a person who doesn't need to prove he's artistic, giving, smart, talented... people can see that naturally if it's there. We've seen the vulnerable side, which is something I think he wants to pretend doesn't exist.

I guess he's one of those people who isn't happy unless something is wrong. He invented problems so that we could fight... he MADE himself unable to talk to me. It wasn't always like that. We used to have great conversations. Even after he stopped talking, I remember one time when he did he admitted feeling a lot better afterwards. Amazing.

From what I understand about his relationship with Becky, though, I can't say I'm surprised. They fought all the time, were totally wrong for eachother and he proposed to her? Really? He tries to blame it on immaturity (and i'm sure that had something to do with it), but can you see a clearer case of only-happy-when-it-rains syndrome (which is a syndrome I just made up. I'm sure there's a technical term for it, but I don't want to spend the time looking it up)?

Why would *I* want to be with someone like that? Haven't I had enough crap in my relationships already? Maybe I am a masochist. Maybe I've just been hurt so much that I don't expect anything else.

I'm still on the losing side, though. I sit here every day, wishing there were SOMEONE here to hold on to... and there's not. I gave all that up, remember? I can't believe my Ohio/other friends still talk to me. I gave them up for this bullshit. I sacrificed everyone I knew and look what happened.

It's totally my fault that I feel this way. I can't blame my decision to move here on Jim. I can blame his incredibly poor timing, tactlessness, inability to feel anything and the fact that he is still ignoring me on him, but the desperation... that's my own fault.

I feel bad for his friends out here, though. They'll never know how much of a good guy he can be.