Tuesday, January 31, 2006

It's amazing to me that I can ALWAYS wake up on Tuesday and Thursdays at 8am to work out, but the other days, when I actually have someone to go with, I just... can't. I would like to say I WILL wake up tomorrow, but you never know. Well... hopefully I'll WAKE UP, otherwise this will be my last post.

I am so surprised that "Way of the World" is considered the hardest play in all three theatre history classes. I had no problem with it...

My voice teacher turned 24 today. At least I know she's 9 months older than me.... (Yes, that means, my birthday is exactly 9 months away.... don't forget)

After studio John, Griffin and I went to Sip N'Dippity (I think that is what it's called) and got GELATO. Jeez, I haven't had gelato since I went to Glendale with Jes. It was awesome. I'm so happy that Kent has a few cool places in it's "downtown" area. That place also has boba tea.

Rehearsal was ok.... From now on we pretty much don't know if TK will be there or not. She had tests done today and has an x-ray tomorrow.... it's sad. I really want her to be there for this show....

I've been having a 3 day conversation with Jon Mazur about our country... and I kind of feel really... scared. A lot of stuff going on just feels really wrong. If the government wanted to put fear in the hearts of us all, it definitely worked with me... but not so much fear of terrorism, rather fear of the GOVERNMENT.

I have to work tomorrow. I don't want to. At all. I'm not-so-secretly hoping they send me home when I get there. I doubt the $20 will break my bank.

Monday, January 30, 2006

When I was growing up we ate a LOT of fast food. My parents both usually worked pretty late... and we'd beg for it. Happy meal with mcnuggets and a sprite... eventually I moved up to a 9 piece mcnugget or whatever, then a 20 for a while, then to a chicken sandwhich.... you don't really need to know the details of what I ate from the ages of 4-19, though. For ME, even just the idea of fast food makes me happy. For example... if I were to be at my (former) home and would eat something and find out that my mom was going to Wendy's or something, I would be REALLY sad that I didn't wait. However, since I've been working out 5 days a week and eating a lot of turkey sandwiches, I've noticed that when I DO eat fast food... I suck at life. I'm not as funny and/or good at rehearsal, sometimes I have trouble even THINKING. I know this is all very "Super Size Me"-esque, and, well, DUH... but I just thought you'd like to hear it from... me. For some reason.

I was at work for almost five hours today and made $35. Do you understand why I hate it so much?

I really love the fact that I have the internet as my immediate disposal again. I was SO BORED, before.

Baked Lays are the BEST.

I was up too late to work out this morning, and we got out of rehearsal really early, so I went at night. The morning is way more fun, because it's so much emptier there, but this time of night (9pm) wasn't too bad. I ran a mile, walked a mile and then biked a mile. It was fun. Normally I wouldn't call any sort of running "fun", but it kind of is when you don't get a cramp or want to kill yourself in the middle of it.

I'm doing weird character analysis on OTHER characters in ITW. After John and I cracked the code last night, it's kind of fun to look at things in a different way. MY character doesn't really have enough depth to analyze very far, but it's fun to think about how Cinderella has NO interest in the prince whatsoever and why that might be....

Ok, I've still got some reading to do for tonight. Adios...
Well, today I got the monitor from our house, which was at my grandma's... and then I bought a router and now I have....

THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so happy that I can update in the middle of the night, again. You have no idea the pain I have been feeling.

Last night I kind of cleaned my room (I say "kind of" extremely lightly) and watched more "Friends"... this morning I had a bad dream that me, my parents, Jen and kitty were at our empty house and there was a tornado coming but the only one who would come to safety with me in the basement was the kitty. I think this dream was caused by the very high winds blowing outside. After that I went to rehearsal where John and I cracked the code to Into the Woods (no, I will NOT be discussing it on here) and then I went to grandma's. Kitty seems ok... she came out of the room a little, but my aunt Karen's dog was there, too, and she didn't like the dog. I love kitty... I feel bad for her because this is probably very sad for her (as it is all of us).

Someone dropped off a young, black, male kitty at my grandma's and I REALLY want to adopt him as my own. I obviously have to talk to Tara about it and see how much it would be to get him fixed and all his shots and stuff, but he's soooo nice and he has green eyes just like me. He reminds me of Simon... which is probably why I like him so much. I hope somehow Tara doesn't care and I can take him because I have been talking about how much I wanted to get my OWN kitty, and I want to get him before it gets super cold again (as it seems to do every Wednesday).

I think I have a sty. Grrrrr.

MicroDermabrasion is... okay... but I am wont to say that St. Ives scrub does pretty much the same thing and is a lot less.... chemically. I will test this hypothesis soon.

I am soooo happy to have the internet in my room.

Tomorrow: POWER ABS, work out, work, eat, rehearsal. For real, this time.

My back hurts really bad for some reason.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Did anyone else realize that the "perpetually happy people" can get depressed? I didn't.

I should NOT be left alone this long. Not that I was really particularly sad, but I was just.... I dunno.... by myself. And apparently I can't stand to be by myself anymore. It's not even that I'm mad at myself or dislike something... it's just not a good thing.

I didn't want to, but I went to that study session this morning. First, let me say that "The Way of the World" is an AWESOME play. There were only a couple of things I missed when I read through it (the fact that Mrs. Fainall was pregnant which is why she had to get married was the biggest one) by myself, but reading it aloud in the conference room was just... fun. Kelly Meneer is simply the funniest person I know. She's just... excellent. And probably the best actor at Kent right now (not to mention a great dancer and singer). Anyway, I think I didn't have a hard time with this play (which is considered one of the hardest plays to understand in theatre) because I enjoyed it so much. It's really good. If you're into that kind of thing, you should read it.

Who would have guessed that READING the plays could be so beneficial to me? :)

For the first time in over a month I had a LITTLE bit of fun at work, today... mostly because I almost gave my table the wrong birthday cake (they just said that they had "a cake" and there were two of them back there... so I guessed which was their's and luckily Rob caught my mistake). I also had a good zone partner which apparently is very important to having a better time. I did get a $2 on like $35 tip though... along with yesterday's wonderful <$4 on $47, I'm sure you can see why I just LOVE serving.

I just got done working out. It was REALLY good. I should have stretched, I had time... I just... didn't. I did 4 miles on the elliptical and during the 3rd mile I'd occasionally increase the resistance. Oooooh...

Tomorrow it's back to rehearsal, but not for too long. I'll probably go visit my grandma and kitty after we're done.

I have 95 friends on myspace. That's awesome... I feel so... popular. And if you don't already HAVE myspace, you should join... so that I can get even MORE friends (cough, ALISON, cough).

Ok, so Bryan is doing "Violet" as a lab show this semester, and I was sort of familiar with it, but I bought the CD and WOW! It's really good. I kind of really want to be in it... and I feel stupid saying that since I KNOW Bryan reads this, but why should I start censoring myself NOW?

Oooooh... it's Elijah Wood's birthday, today. Need I say more? (Probably... I don't think I've ever really talked about him... TOO BAD!)

Ok, I guess it's back home to more DVDs...

Friday, January 27, 2006

Tara and I were going to wake up at 8 to do POWER ABS! and work out this morning... but that didn't happen. Well, I did wake up, but then I thought "I'll just lay my head down for a minute...." and suddenly it was 9am, power abs was over, and I wouldn't have time to work out before work... so I went now. Tara just kept sleeping.

We don't have rehearsal tonight because everyone is at the OTAs today, except me and probably... one other person. I'm going to do something very unlike me. I am going to read "The Way of the World" and then go to a STUDY SESSION tomorrow morning over it. I know... WHAT? I don't study. But, considering how much I have going on, and knowing if I step back even a LITTLE I will fall, I figure it's best to stay ahead of my work. Woo.... Responsibility. Hahaha...

Kitty is finally at my grandma's. Jen says she is scared and my dad said he's "lonely now that he has no one to see or talk to anymore" (since he's staying pretty much only at his hotel). I know how THAT is... in fact, I kind of feel that way now... moreso since all my friends are at OTAs. I miss... everyone.

I was FURIOUS at work today. I really hate it there. I don't feel like I should hate my job as much as I do. I mean, I realize I'm going to hate almost any job, but I shouldn't COMPLETELY hate it. I hated the Westwood OG, but at least there everyone I worked with was fun, so I liked going to work. There are only a couple of fun people at this one. And by "fun" I mean "not stupid and nice"... we don't really ever have FUN. I am supposed to work tomorrow night... I have NO desire to do so, but since everyone is gone (and Tara went home to PA for the weekend), I might as well.

I need to buy passion ice tea or something. God, thank you for the tazo passion tea. Thanks for everything else, too.

Sometimes you have to let the little things make you happy. Like the different kinds of tea...

I'll try to update tomorrow or something... who knows.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Ok, so... I'm back. My voice lesson was fine, I get to sing from the Mikado so.... hooray, I guess. My costume fitting was, fine, (I guess), too... ALL my costumes are hand-me-downs from past productions. From my track suit worn by Sarah Lyon in Working to my t-shirt worn by DONNY in the Wild Party... I wasn't too thrilled about that. I mean, I realize they're totally poor (like meeee!) in act 1, but this track suit is REALLY not what I was expecting. They said "it's like she's shopping at K-mart instead of goodwill now!"... I was thinking more like she was shopping at Nordstrom instead of goodwill... but whatever. And the jeans I get to wear are a size 14. I wear a size 8 MAX. It's cool. They're gonna fall off. It'll be funny. I'll use it. It's a bit! :)

Our run through went pretty well last night. The show is less than 2.5 hours total (my high school's was OVER 3 hours!), but TK wants to knock like 10 minutes off of Act 1 with timing and a quickening of the pace. I think it can be done. Maybe. I guess we'll see, anyway. I definitely think it's a good IDEA, though, because there are a lot of parts where I have no idea what to do (i.e., when they're feeding the cow all that stuff), and I'd like it to be less awkward for ME. :)

Oooooh... I called Brinker and they're reissuing my final paychecks since the FREAKING MG NEVER SENT THEM. I can't believe my GM just LIED to me about it, too. "I was just calling to see if you guys sent my paychecks like we talked about last week..." "Oh yeah, I sent them." LIES. WHY, PATRICK, WHY???? Now I just need to call central and request a new tax thing...

I went to Wendy's for lunch and they gave me a spicy plain chicken sand which instead of a regular one. Normally I would have a huge issue with this... but I must have gotten used to Chipotle, because the spiciness didn't bother me.

I wish so much that I didn't have to go to work. I could really use the time I'm there to do other stuff... like sleep or try to understand what on earth was going on in "The Rover."

I think it's a venti frappucino for dinner tonight. THAT should make my rehearsal energy pretty high. And then the AWESOME crash afterwards... oh yeah. Sounds good.

I use caffeine like other people use... speed... or diet pills... apparently.

I'm really tired. Probably because I had fast food. And also, probably because I wake up at 8am and go until like 12:30, never getting to really rest. Even when I get down to the computer lab, I have 3 internet explorer windows open so I can do other stuff.

Oh yeah.... so I haven't seen any episodes of American Idol because of rehearsal... and I think, i THINK... I may be over it. This may change when I can actually watch again... but right now I just don't even care.
Ok, after some careful research, I have found out the air date for "my" (I say the word "my" lightly... as you can see) episode of The Suite Life. It SHOULD air on Friday, Feb 24th. I think it's on at 7pm. I'll be doing ITW that night, but I think I get get Griffin/John to tape it for me. Hahaha, maybe we can all watch it when the show is over. How fun.

The other two episodes don't have tentative air dates, yet.... ("Bowling" and "neither a borrower nor a speller bee")... but maybe they will... soon.

I'll write more later... I have a voice lesson in like 25 minutes and I kind of need to get out of this computer lab...

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Someone wrote "drama queen - no one cares what you do with your life!" and although I don't understand WHY, I have to disagree with you.... I had 7897 visitors YESTERDAY. Yesterday. So, obviously, for a reason I don't understand, people must care about it.

And yes, I am a drama queen. Clearly.

I had a nice conversation with Jon Mazur last night about.... a lot of stuff, and it was strangely comforting. Generally I wouldn't consider him a good person to go to with my problems, but he's better than you'd think. And he didn't get all ADD on me, this time. :)

I really didn't want to work today, and I feel like I should have a job where if I'm there for 3 hours, I should make more than $20. Even just $30 would be ok.... I am considering going back, Dix huit. For real, this time. I just hate it there so much and, since I can only work day shifts during the week, right now, I'd make more money there.... ugh.

I did see Tricia Kline today! That was fun. :)

I am so mad at my sister. She called me with a message of "Call me back, call me back! As soon as you get this message, call me back! Oh my God!" and I was like "oh no, what's wrong??" and then she didn't answer her phone for the first 4 times I called... and when she finally did, the only thing she had to tell me what that she was cleaning out her new room and found old porno magazines. Really, jen?

We're attempting a run through tonight... hooray!

My favorite former teacher of music theory is in the computer lab right now. GUESS WHO, Ben!!! If you could see me, you'd see that I was laughing a lot.

I am in the market for a new bag. I am still madly in love with my purse, but since I'm so freaking busy all the time, I need to start using my planner (if I can ever find a paper refill for it) and it won't fit in my purse. I am leaning towards the old navy/urban outfitters TYPE of tote bag or a messenger bag.... but I don't want one FROM ON or UO.

Ok, I have a meeting to go to. Bye.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I have 2 hours until rehearsal and I STILL feel like I'm being rushed.

Ok, yesterday... work, work OUT, rehearsal, reading the first 30 pages of "All for Love", sleep. Today, work out WHILE reading the last 30 pages of that play, theatre history, earth dynamics, bus to car, car to apartment, lunch, voice studio orientation, freaking out Tim, green room, here, apartment and dinner, rehearsal, starting the Rover, sleep. Tomorrow: work out, work, eat, rehearsal, finish the f'ing Rover, sleep. Thursday is exactly like today plus a voice lesson (and minus studio) and a costume fitting and Friday is exactly like tomorrow. I am okay NOW.... but watch... in a couple of weeks I will be CRAZY.

Rehearsal was really fun last night. We "stumbled" through act 1.... and it was just really fun for me. Tonight we're doing act 2 and TOMORROW I believe we're doing a whole show run through. That's awesome. Good job... cast.

I think our house is probably empty by now. That's weird. I don't think I want to see what it looks like. I almost called Jim on Sunday night (because it was 2am, and I really wanted someone to talk to)... but I didn't because I realized he wouldn't really show any support (if he did even answer the phone). I still kind of wish I had someone to TALK to about this....

What is with this Lisa Loeb TV dating show? Really, Lisa, REALLY? You're too good for that.

Someday, when I have REAL time, I'll post the letter I'll never send that I wrote at 3am on Sunday night, on here. It'll be so fun.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Yes, it's true. I left my house for the last time.

I don't know if I'll be able to post anything more today (I was hella busy, and it's not even close to being over yet), but thanks to Stevie P for coming to visit me at work today. :)

I am behind on my... everything. Yeah... we'll have to wait until tomorrow for something with what little substance I offer.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Well... it's the last day in the house. I don't really remember the FIRST day (I was only 3 years old), but I remember one of the first days...

But mostly, I remember how I took for granted the fact that I had a place to go back to. I'm losing my permanent address. I now know why everytime my dad goes near Cleveland, he wants to drive past his old house in Bedford. He can't go in, but I'm sure driving by brings back good memories.

We used to have 2 Christmas trees. The one upstairs was the "snowy" one with all the really pretty decorations... the one downstairs was the fun one with all the moving ornaments and things like that. We always had the presents downstairs (until my mom broke both ankles in 1999), and my parents would lock the door to the basement so we couldn't see them in the morning. Then my dad would go through the garage into the basement and get the camera ready so he could tape our faces when we saw all the presents. My parents had a Christmas account... they'd spend like $2000 on us for Christmas ALONE. Yes, I know this wasn't really WISE, but they just really wanted us to be happy.

I feel really bad that I ruined half my mom's stuff by drawing on it or carving into it. Jewelry boxes, her giant Hope chest... I single handedly ruined, like, everything she owns when I was a kid. That's why you can't let kids near nice things.

I hate this. I really hate the fact that leaving my house is making me finally accept the fact that I'm not a kid anymore. Yeah, yeah.. "Child at heart"... whatever. I remember telling my dad about a year ago that I WANTED them to move, that the house didn't really hold that much significance in any of our lives... but I guess you never realize how much significance these things DO hold until they're gone.

I got to look at all my old report cards from elementary school, though... and this baby calendar log my mom found about me. I was reading the best parts aloud like
"Loves to stick hand in toilet"
"Loves music and piano."
"Smiles and is happy all day. Screams for 2 hours at night! Something wrong?"
and the best
(august 24th, 1983) "Writes first novel."

I MAY have made the last one up.

Oh, and then I found pictures of when I played softball in 2nd and 3rd grade. Tricia Kline was totally on my 2nd grade team. And not only was Kati Gasper on my 3rd grade team, but we were standing RIGHT NEXT TO EACHOTHER in the team picture and I didn't remember meeting her until high school.

I feel like I should go perform the role of Emily in Our Town, now, or something... I think I'd be really feeling act 3 about now.

Ok. I have to go. I'll write tomorrow, I think....

Saturday, January 21, 2006

The whale died :(

This person keeps reading my blog and then posting mean comments and I keep deleting them because they're stupid... but I am wondering why on earth does this person keep coming back here? I don't understand why NICE people I don't know read this, but why would someone who doesn't like me? It's the "ick" person... and I also think I probably DO know them from, say, graduating ksu in 2004. I just don't understand... I mean, I don't go to the white house webpage and write the president mean comments every day. In fact, because I care naught for what he has to say, I NEVER go there. However, if said person wants to keep returning and keep posting me messages, I really don't care that much, because there is no way they can do that without tripod logging them as a "visit" to my site, so it helps me out by continuously bumping up my daily views (which was over 2500 yesterday, thanks, in part, to them).

I still don't GET IT, though.

Bad news. TK might have cancer. She's having surgery this weekend. I really have no idea how to handle this information. She was telling us at rehearsal last night about the surgery and she could be out "anywhere from 4 days to 6 weeks." She said "You know I was sick last semester.."---well, obviously, *I* didn't know, and she was kind of vague about what was going on, so I asked John... and then I wanted to SAY something to her, but I had no idea what to say, and then I cried and it was just.... a big mess. I really feel like I can't deal with this information. Thanks God for Chris Richards who, when TK was saying there's a chance she won't be here to open the show, said "You will be." I mean, really, thank God for the people who can be positive and try to alleviate fears for others, because I am definitely not one of those people. I was standing there with my hand over my mouth, dumbstruck. It's just... not good.

I really want a different job. I never have fun at work and I kind of... hate it. Sometimes I say that at work and the other servers are like "Wow, you really HATE IT, here?" and then I'm like "oh, no, of course I don't HATE it..." But I DO. I don't mind restaurant jobs, just THIS restaurant job. But then, maybe I don't even hate THIS restaurant, maybe I just hate Ohio, and it can't be helped. Maybe I'd hate it everywhere.

I DO hate Ohio...

The movers are coming to take everything away on Tuesday. Tomorrow will (most likely) be the last day I'm ever going to be in my house. That's really weird. I think kitty is going to go live with my mom at Grandma's. I don't think she's gonna be happy about that...

Last night a couple of us went to Bryan's to hang out after rehearsal... it was pretty fun. Oh, and Bryan, I just ordered the Violet CD online, so don't worry about making me another copy (I doubt you'd WORRY about it...). Thanks, though. :)

Ok, and one more thing... for now. Tim isn't my voice teacher. Not only is it one of the grad students (a thousand different kinds of ugh), it's the MEAN grad student girl who hates musical theatre students. Great. AND she's the same age as me... I've probably been taking voice LONGER than she has. This is going to be SO MUCH FUN. :/

Friday, January 20, 2006

Oh my gosh, I am so concerned for this whale. :(

Ok, so in regards to that "celebrity love test" thing... I got it from 2 people who don't know eachother and live on opposite sides of the country within one day of eachother, on myspace. You're supposed to add your name to the bottom of the list and pass it on and it is SO interesting to see how both their lists start out the same and then, eventually, branch off in different directions. This truly is a small world.

Yesterday was so fun. We had the amazingly exciting theatre majors/minors meeting where they gave us free pizza (and I have been wanting pizza for soooo long) and then I spent some quality time with the DVD of season 6 of Friends, and THEN... I went to rehearsal and the best thing ever happened. We went on a 5 minute break and who should come walking up the aisle towards me but DAN HENDROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ran to him like in one of those movies... you know, where people run to eachother, and then I jumped on him, screaming, and it was wonderful. Besides the moment I had to be rehearsing act 2 at 10pm, I got to talk to Dan all night. Afterwards, we all went to this place Panini's, where I was sober, as always. It was karaoke night which is ALWAYS fun. I really wanted to sing a duet with Dan, so after advice from Jessie, we picked Human League's "Don't You Want Me?" (you know... "Don't, don't you want me... You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me...") I swear, it may have been the funniest thing I've ever done. Dan was SOOOO drunk (and he kept SAYING "I'm so drunk" into the microphone) and half the time we didn't know what we were supposed to be singing. At the end we were just speaking the lyrics in a very accusing way to eachother... it was great. I also got to see Ryan while there, and Christine, and they're always fun to be around. Ryan is adopting Chris Richards to "take his place" when he graduates, and I think that is a very wise decision.

We didn't leave until after 2, and I didn't get to bed until almost 3, so as you probably can guess, I didn't get up at 8 to work out, this morning. It's ok, though, I have 2.5 more days to finish, this week (my weeks start on Monday). I didn't have to work until 12, and when I got there they had me scheduled as an extra, which I was just thrilled about, because I was still SO tired.... plus, I talked waaaay too much last night, and I really need to rest my voice today.

People keep coming up to me telling me how awesome and funny they hear I am in ITW. This scares me. What if I can't live up to the hype? What if I try to be EVEN FUNNIER and end up just looking stupid? WHAT IS A GIRL TO DOOOOO?????

Ok, holy crap. Check out the pics of Jessica Simpson from today's Pink is the New Blog post... I think I am handling MY breakup better than she is handling hers. Jeeeeez.

I like school better this year. I miss a LOT of people, but it is way less dramatic and everyone seems... smarter. Good for them.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

ooooooh. My celebrity love match is Noah Wyle.

My friend Kelly's was Janet Reno. I'm kind of.... laughing at that.

SOOOOO... I'm still getting up every morning at 8 or 8:30 to work out, but believe you me, I am starting to get sick of it. I'm really stiff, too, because I don't have time to stretch out before or after and I am NOT about to wake up even earlier just to stretch. No. Way.

I was so mad at work yesterday because these ladies we my first and ONLY table at #20, and they all got soup and salad and they said "We really appreciate your service"... and they left me $3 on $50. They were there for over two hours! God, I was so mad. And it brought me to an important question: You know how you really shouldn't wish harm on others? Well, what if you're thinking it, anyway? Is it any worse to SAY it if you're thinking it already? Someone tell me the answer, because I just don't know.

If you read what you're supposed to for Theatre History... the class is easier. Tell your friends.

I died yesterday at rehearsal. I'm kind of stuck as to what I'm doing in act 2. I'm totally basing my act 2 Jack's Mom on amy poehler's character in "Mean Girls", but when she's yelling at the giant I don't know if it should be sincere or funny or both or WHAT... I just don't know. What I DO know is that I will be wearing a J.Lo style track suit and running shoes, and I REALLY hope I get to keep the shoes.

So, my grandma fell down on her FACE and now she has two black eyes. I went to visit her yesterday, and she said they didn't hurt (she said it didn't really even hurt that badly when she fell), but MAN do they look bad.

Ok, dix huit... marathon. I would like to say "Yes, I am still in"... but what I really feel like is "I want to work out every day and I will never be able to run a marathon." What I need is an EMOTIONAL boost. A confidence boost... Because I really just think I am UNABLE to run a marathon. I get bored easily, you see.... and after 6 hours of walk-running, I think I'd want to do something else.

I can't wait to go up to the other side of this building (the side I so lovingly refer to as "The Freak Side") and see who my voice teacher is. I hope it's TIM!

Oh my God, and one of the professors here, Terry Burgler, totally ripped his Achilles tendon, which is the WORST thing I can possibly imagine happening to anyone ever. It's my worst fear in life. Kelly was telling the story and I was just "oh no. Oh my god! Oh NOOOOOOOOO!" It really kills me a little each time I think about it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

This is going to be REALLY short (I just got done working out and I need to get ready for work---I'm still at the rec), but I realized today... Jimmy will NEVER be happy. He doesn't even WANT to be! He created problems with us just so he'd have something to fight about... I am sooooo non-confrontational, and he made me all... uppity. He WANTS to be unhappy because his unhappiness IS his happiness.

But, I am a happy girl and I probably always will be. I like things to be GOOD... which I guess is why it didn't work.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

So, I worked out yesterday and did 1 mile running, 1.5 mile walking and 2 miles on the elliptical. I was really happy because I haven't run in a LONG, LONG time, but I had no problems running... I didn't even feel like "if I don't stop, I'm going to kill myself", which was good. I also ACTUALLY got out of bed this morning at 8:30 to work out before school, where I did another 1 mile run/1 mile walk, and then 1 mile on the bike, because i was running short on time. The bike was actually the hardest part for some reason. My legs are really tight, now. It's not fun.

Anyway, so, I went to theatre history, and it was everything I expected and more, and then I made the long trek across campus to go to earth dynamics. After THAT was over, I was waiting in the foyer for the bus to come, because I was NOT about to walk all the way back in the rain, and who should I run in to but my old friend from high school, Matt Brown. I was so excited! He asked if I needed a ride, and I said sure, so he drove me back to my car. It was really nice to see him... I can't believe it's been almost 5 years since we graduated. He asked if I still hang out with anyone from high school, which I sadly don't... which reminds me, Jenny, we HAVE to see eachother sometime. :)

So, then I made dinner for later and went back to school for the voice studio orientation or whatever... I wrote "Tim C.----please!!!" on my line for preferred instructor, so hopefully I'll have him. I have not had a very good time in my voice lessons here, but hopefully third time's the charm, or something.

I still have 2.5 hours until rehearsal, but I suppose I do need to start reading for theatre history and eat dinner. I really feel like I have NO time, anymore. If I don't go to bed BY midnight, there is no way in the world that I will wake up in the morning to work out, and all my daytime hours are filled with something. This kind of sucks. But... then again, like I said before, I'm less likely to dwell on Jim-related things when I'm keeping busy, so it can't all be bad.

I am now sending my blog into space... woo...

Monday, January 16, 2006

I wasn't going to come home today, but then I realized that A, I don't know which classrooms I am supposed to go to for class tomorrow (and I better check my schedule), and B, since I already took part of theatre history 2 (but dropped it before the first test), I already have most of the books I need for the class. I was thrilled to find my Worthen at the bottom of a shelf, so the ONLY book I might need to buy is the Importance of Being Earnest... which I might have in my box of plays. I have no idea what's in there... there are just SO many... so who knows.

We were really busy at work and it was REALLY annoying. I actually had a woman who couldn't pay the whole bill, today. That's never happened before. She's a regular, and I remember her coming all the time from when I was a host, so I had a manager come over and she took everything off for her. I think under any other circumstance, this would have really bothered me, but the woman felt really bad and she said she either lost or forget to bring the $20 she was supposed to use for lunch, and she only a had a $5. Anyway, she ended up tipping me the $5, and even if she would have been able to pay, her check was only $6.33... so I made like 90% off her. I am SURE I would not have gotten $5 if she would have had the money so... yay.

Anyway, I made $50, and for a Monday LUNCH that's... incredible. I guess everybody wanted to par-yay for MLK Jr. Day.

It's unfortunate that I don't have enough time to write something about that man, because, as you would know if you checked my myspace profile as much as I do, MLK Jr. is one of my favorite people. I don't think I ever really understood racism... or sexism, but that's a different story.

So, school starts tomorrow, and for the first time in.... many years... I am excited. I think taking a year off and not doing practically anything was the only way I could have finished, though. I was really at the end of my rope when I left. I didn't care about ANYTHING. I'm hopeful that the caring will return, now that I've had time to realize school isn't completely the devil.

Oh, and also, I hate my job and the people I work with. Actually, I think that's WHY I hate my job--- because I hate the people I work with. Not all of them, of course, but most are so boring and stupid and MEAN. I ALWAYS thank the salad maker, every single time I pick up a salad, and this jerk lady was just getting on my case for NO REASON. I don't like her.

Computer lab opens tomorrow, too, so I'll be able to update from there between class and rehearsal. Woooooo.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

We're 99.9% through with blocking of Act 1... which is kind of amazing. Everyone is off book or almost off-book and we're not screwing up the music as much as one normally would under Sondheim circumstances... I can't believe we're doing this well after only 4 rehearsals. Bryan was all "worst opening number yet!" after our run through today and I was like "uhhhh... I think it was great for the 4th rehearsal!"

Last night we all went to this stupid place, Club Khameleon (yes, they did spell it wrong like that) to celebrate Jessie and Bethany's birthdays. I was really mad, though, because there was a $5 cover because of this awful band that was playing. I hated that band. They weren't BAD at what they did, but I hated what they did. And I hated them more for making me pay to get in. I was, as always, the only one of age who wasn't drinking, but it was pretty fun (besides the smoke). I did, however, realize that I have a huge problem. Since I haven't been single since I was 15, I missed the stage of development where you learn how to talk to people you don't know. Or... introduce yourself to others. Haven was like "Let's go say hi to the band" and I was like "uhhh...no. I'm scared." And then we did, and she was talking to them as a normal person would and I was just nodding and then said my one vocal comment, "Yes. Enjoyable." Alisa = nerd. Also, all the girls in my (new) graduating class are like... drop dead gorgeous... so if I'm going to be hanging out with them, I'm really gonna have to step up the clothing game. Perhaps less than 3 layers of clothing...

I just get cold so easily!

I know I need to work, but I'm really sad that I got scheduled so much this week. I KNOW I'll be able to get someone to pick up my Sunday shift (they said I HAD to have some kind of Sunday availability, even though I have rehearsal ALL DAY on Sundays...), but I was kind of hoping for tomorrow off. We just had sooooo much rehearsal this week.... and with school starting on Tuesday... it's just so much STUFF. So, I work MWF mornings and Saturday night. And school on TTh from 11-4. Woo. I know this is about to seem like the craziest idea I've ever had, but I THINK I am going to want to work out BEFORE school and work. I'll regret this later, but if I can go work out, it will really make me less likely to fall asleep or get bored during my... 2... classes and voice lesson. Now I just need to schedule in time for reading those stupid plays.

Since it seems as though there is no way my parents are going to be moving into their OWN apartment any time soon, and mom is going to stay with grandma, I'm trying to convince them to let me "babysit" the computer until they DO have a place. They can't put it in storage, and grandma doesn't have internet access, so it only makes sense. This is why I haven't made bigger steps toward getting a monitor, yet. I would really like a flat screen, because my desk is small and made out of cardboard, but I really doubt I'd be able to afford one. Well, if we're getting into what I REALLY want... I want a laptop. BUT.... the days when I can afford THAT are far, far away. Too bad my monitor wouldn't fit in my car when I drove back. :(

I tell you, there are few things that taste better than Subway cookies.

I've felt a lot less crazily desperate, lately... which is SUCH a relief! I am, however, still crazily obsessive... but about other things than just Jim, now. Now it's also stuff like the shows we're doing next year at school and hoping I can go to the showcase. I keep hearing that they might be doing A Chorus Line for the spring musical and I am sooooo against it. Not that it's a bad show, but unless it's the nonexistent CONCERT version of ACL, I will not be in it, and if I AM, I will be playing the role of Tricia, cut dancer with 2 bar solo in the beginning. That's the most I could hope for unless every dancer at KSU broke their legs. And they'd still probably get cast before me. See? I am very prone to obsession. I always have been.

Everyone is going to SETCs this year and I am very sad I'm not going if for no other reason than the fact that they're going to be in Orlando and I could go visit Ms. Christy Reynolds. Unfortunately, I believe the application was due, like... before I even knew I was going back to school... so there was never really any chance of that happening. Next year, though, I'm gonna hit ALL the combined auditions. Maybe I'll get an offer somewhere, too. That'd be the most surprising thing that ever happened.

I am really, really tired. I wish I didn't have to work, tomorrow. Stupid OG. And stupid MG because have I received my checks, yet? Of course not. I'm just going to call the corporate office on Tuesday and ask them to reissue the checks... and change my address so I can get my tax stuff. I should have never left the OG in Westwood... at least there I could have gotten my last 3 weeks of pay.

Soooo... yay! Tomorrow is the first day of MY "new year"! I figure it's as good a time as any to change everything around.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Rehearsal is going surprisingly well. Maybe it's because everyone likes the show.... I dunno. I'm really excited for it, though.

Last night I went to Applebee's with some of my friends, and that was fun. We all talk way too much, and at the same time, and really loudly, and I'm sure we're the most annoying people on the face of this earth because of it. The biggest problem with my theatre friends is that that they, like myself, MUST be the center of attention... so... there's quite the conflict of interests going on. :)

I was somehow lucky enough to not have to be at rehearsal until 6pm today, so I got some groceries and ran some other errands. I was soooo happy because not only did I find pre-cooked grilled chicken at the store, but also pesto sauce--- which I have NEVER been able to find. So, today I made this awesome dish of wheat penne, pesto, parmesan, butter and the chicken... and it was unbelievably good. I never cook, and not that this was HARD to make, but I was still impressed with myself. Maybe I should have only been impressed with the ingredients...

Tomorrow I think we are going out for Bethany's birthday, which was on... Monday, I believe. Today was Jessie's birthday, but she was stupid and didn't tell anyone. It's also Friday the 13th, which have generally been really good days for me, but nothing extraordinary happened.

Sooo... this morning I kept thinking there was going to be an earthquake but then I realized that no, I'm not still in California, of COURSE there isn't going to be an earthquake. Lo and behold, there WAS an earthquake here (well, Mentor, but it's close enough), today. I didn't feel it, but I can't believe it actually happened. I am so in tune with the earth...

It's been so beautiful out the last couple of days. I can't believe it's January and I didn't even need my coat today. Of course, after being 50 degrees today, tomorrow it drops to 34... but it's supposed to pick back up again throughout next week. This is so... weird. And kind of scary because I feel like it's the end of the world or something.

Last night I finished reading Job (which I read once already on an airplane, but could barely pay attention to because of these screaming kids). I still have a lot left in the Old Testament, but it feels like a lot less because of psalms and the other song-y, poem-y books. I also finished my Friends season 10 DVD which was just... sad. That really was the best show ever made. They were all SO good at their characters... and I steal SO MUCH from them. :)

I KNOW that these posts are really, really boring... but when I'm away from the computer for so long I feel like the only thing I have time for is catching up. When I finally get a monitor and internet access in my room, it'll be good, again. (and as we all know, my "good" posts are the one where I'm freaking out or sad or something so boy, I can't WAIT for that, again!)

Oh... here is something funny. I was telling Griffin about "how depressed I am" and he told me not to be but then he said "No, you should be. And you should revel in it." I said I was going to paint my room black and get dead flowers to put in a vase, play creepy organ music all the time and just lay on the floor yelling "I'M SO DEPRESSED!" I think that sounds like pretty good reveling. :)

Keeping busy and not being able to use the internet as much really HAS kept my mind off Jim. I hear I can also go to the rec center already, which is AWESOME, and I am going to do it TOMORROW, which will help even more. The exercise will release endorphins and endorphins make you happy... and then I'll go to rehearsal and probably be happy AGAIN, and then I'll go out for Bethany's birthday and continue to be happy... and then I won't even care about Jim...

for a couple minutes....

(and OKAY, Chris, I'll add your link to this blog, too...)

EDIT: I can't believe I forgot this. I am SO ANGRY with Brad Pitt. I feel like I might never see any of his movies again, just because he is a JERK. It's one thing to deny his and Angelina's relationship for so long, but then to get her pregnant and NEVER WARN JENNIFER ANISTON BEFORE THE NEWS BROKE??? I can only imagine how she feels, and I'm SURE it's worse than how *I* feel... and that is just truly awful.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I found a computer lab. :)

Rehearsal is going well... I'M having fun, at least. These are going to be such long days. I went to Chipotle with some kids... it was delicious.

Last night I got back to my apartment and wanted to watch the rest of my season 10 of Friends DVD but I thought I didn't bring the remote for the DVD player (it doesn't play without the remote), so I watched The Little Mermaid instead. Of course, when I was done, I DID find the DVD player remote, but it was too late to watch another movie.

Sometimes this show makes me sad. Like... during act 2. When I get too emotionally involved.

I'll try to update again tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I'm so freakin popular.

Click on the "blog" part under the featured section. I am so totally the featured blog. Perhaps because I am NUMBER ONE!!!! haha. :)

I laugh and make fun... but it's quite flattering. And really, I have NO IDEA why anyone reads this other than Lave and Dix Huit.

Who knows when I'll get to post again... because tomorrow - Sunday we have rehearsal every day from 1-10pm. I'll try to fit it in sometime... but I don't have a monitor at my apartment, yet... so... I hope the computer lab is open or something.

EDIT: Anyone want to design me a banner for this mofo blog? I like the one I made about Abigail Adams on my homepage, but I need a blog-appropriate one. Feel free to incorporate The Little Mermaid or John Cusack holding up that boom box in "Say Anything" into it somehow.

Or Bono. Or little baby kitties.


Chris Kateff, I point to YOU!

(all my stupid photos on flickr)
Anyone have any advice on how to... fight every instinct I have and not ever read Jim's blog or talk to him or try to find out what's going on in his life?

I just realized... if he starts dating someone, I will NOT be able to handle it. I couldn't even handle it a month ago when I found that secret blog and nothing even happened, then. ESPECIALLY if he starts dating someone from Tribe or someone who he HASN'T just met... I mean, I'm never gonna be able to think he didn't break up with me FOR them. I don't care how far into the future it may be. That's all I'm gonna think. Especially if it's Kessia.

This is so hard. And it's like... every day I find reasons of why it's even harder. HOW LONG am I going to be like this? I don't want to hate him, and if I never talk to him again or try to ignore his existence I WILL... but I am not going to be able to DEAL with the future. I can't google stalk him forever because I eventually WILL find something that kills me... and even if I don't, he'd eventually talk about it on his blog... and I CANNOT read posts that are like the ones he wrote about me when we first started dating. I can't even believe he ever felt that way before me or ever will again. I know it's stupid... and it's not true, but I really just want to believe that I was special.

I hope this is just because I'm going stir crazy, stressed over the move and waiting for school to start, waiting to start working out, waiting for... everything. There's no WAY I could still be like this when I have my life back... right?

I just don't know what to do. I can't imagine not reading his blog anymore or NEVER seeing him online... but I also can't imagine him ever seeing someone else. And since the latter option isn't extremely likely...

I just wish HE would stop posting so I didn't have to stop going. I may be brave, but I am certainly not strong. I need.... a lot of help.

Haha, I thought moving would cure this. I thought getting away and eliminating the risk of running in to him somewhere would make this a lot easier. Well, let me just tell you something. I didn't think this through. Our relationship was, for almost a year, most conducted online (and monthly visits and nightly phone calls--but MOSTLY online). And now I'm back in the place where I was when we were long distance. I might not be reminded of him every time I drive south of the hill... but I'm reminded of him every time I use the computer.

It's not like I can stop going online.

I'd much rather run in to him in the store, guys.

I was writing this post thinking "I shouldn't be typing this." This is SO the stuff of little, locked diaries. I mean, it's nearly 5am, and I'm admitting to the world that I'm still crazy in love with a guy who not only broke up with me, but who lives in California and really won't even communicate with me, anymore. I shouldn't be telling you all about this. Well... really, I shouldn't be FEELING like this. But I am. And hopefully someday I won't be.. but until then... I only have this.
Well, I certainly did nothing today. I slept in forever because... I could. I think I REALLY needed that sleep, too. I feel a little better physically now after being sooo sore from my move yesterday.

They didn't need me at work, so I didn't work, which was good, because I really had NO desire to work.

I was having some weird dream about Jim last night and I woke up just as he said the words "Ok, I'm engaged to her." AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Sometimes I get really.... scared. It's not like I really want to be married right now, but Jim always USED to talk about it, and he did propose to his... well... ex-fiance (and what a week THAT was)... I sometimes think *I* am the reason he "might never get married." He seemed to be all for it before me. Is that POSSIBLE? Could I have actually done that to a person? I'm so easy to get along with... Anyway, so I'm afraid it WAS me and if he ever starts dating someone else, he'll propose to her immediately or something and then I'll be just... wrought with despair. Even if it's been years since I got over him. Over something I'm not ready for, anyway. It's just the FACT, though, you know?

NOBODY wants that...

Me, in October, to Jim: "Jimmy, you should really join myspace."
Jim: "I've got fark. It's just as good."
Me: "But all your college friends would be on myspace. And all your now friends! You're the last person on earth to join!"
Jim: "I don't care."


Also, please guess who suddenly had this amazing, new idea for a Christian Liberal "think tank"?

You really wanna know whose idea that was? And who told him he should do that the first time?


But, I won't ever get the goddamn credit. Because I NEVER have "good ideas."

Let me just say something (and I can, because this is my blog). Jim doesn't belong in LA. It has made him... terrible. As I have told him countless times, he has a gloomy, east coast personality in one of the sunniest, happiest places on earth. I really don't understand why he likes it--and he's bringing everyone else there down. Now, I always told him to apply to Harvard, Columbia, Princeton.... NYU... but he wouldn't do it. He wanted to stay in LA and go to USC.
Me: "What if you don't get into USC?"
Jim: "I will."
Me: "But what if you DON'T?"
Jim: "Then I'll take the necessary courses TO get in."
ME: "What if they NEVER let you in? What if they don't want you?"
Jim: "They will. Why wouldn't they?"
Me: "Who knows. Why don't you apply at more than just ONE school and, as you did with Fuller, go where God seems to be taking you?"
Jim: "I'm going to USC."

Well.... he's not going to USC.

And I hate to say "I told you so" on something like this, because I do feel bad, especially since he OBVIOUSLY wanted to go... call me crazy, but to ME... not getting in seems like a pretty good sign that he's not supposed to go there.

I ALWAYS have good ideas. People should listen to me more often. Especially Jim, because I seem to have more good ideas for HIM than I ever had for anyone else. And then he just denies I ever had them and does them anyway. If you could see the face I was making, you would see that it's "the face of disgust."

I hope I meet someone who takes me seriously, some day.

In other news, Jim's other ex girlfriend (not me, nor the ex-fiance), Anita, and I have become friends on myspace. We have been in many, many similar situations and it's.. quite the coincidence. I always thought she and I would have been friends (in real life?) had we met before Jim, and now I think it even more. We also have the same haircut.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I'll post again on Wednesday... I bet you can't wait.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Wow, so apparently I'm AMAZING. My site was #4 in the Top 100 on tripod... then it was #2... and now, OH YEAH, who is #1??



Yesterday was awful. Jen and I moved all day, and let me tell you something. If someone says to you "move into this apartment. It's up 6 stair cases and there's no elevator.."----DON'T DO IT. When we were carrying the desk (which split in half) and Jen puts it down in the middle of the courtyard and says "Don't you think THIS is a good place for a desk?" I also almost totally gave up on my bed. I was laughing soooo hard since Jen kept saying "pivot. PIVOT!!!" (a la Ross from Friends) and the mattresses just took soooo long to get up the stairs. Some guy helped us with my dresser, which was really nice and then there was this box of books that probably weighed 300 pounds. Really. We couldn't lift it AT ALL. The only reason we got it up there was because of the furniture dolly that we BOTH had to pull up every stair. That was when I almost cried. It was just so hard.

After we were done, we moved Jen in, but luckily her friends helped us, so it only took like 10 minutes to get everything out of the truck.

I'm back at home right now, because I still don't have a computer monitor, nor do I have a router or splitter or whatever I need to get internet to my computer. I also need an antenna for my TV... but I THINK I should be able to find one in this house somewhere. I know we HAD one at some point... it's just a matter of finding it.

Anyway, I'm really, really sore and my body truly hates me. I might as well not have a back anymore. I went to work for less than 2 hours, because I was in the cafe, and we didn't need ANYONE in the cafe. I also work tomorrow night and Wednesday morning, and THEN we start ITW rehearsal, all day, every day, until I die.

It was so weird waking up in my new room today. Everyone in my family is so tense. This is definitely not an easy thing to do. I mean, my mom is moving back in with HER mom until she moves to Sandusky (and who knows when that will be). My dad is working and staying in Fremont until May, so she might stay until then. We still have NO IDEA what is going to happen to the cat. My parents are just really sad, kitty and Jen are scared and I'm just MAD all the time.

I feel like I've been so mean this last week. It's not like I want to... but I just have so much going on... I finally got back into some sort of comfort zone and it's all changing again. I was crazy enough BEFORE we all had to start moving, now I'm just EXTRA crazy.

I also feel like I have no one to talk to, which is why I really can't wait for school to start so I can go to grad student therapy. I mean, it's better than nothing, right? I would really love to hear from people right now... it's so nice when I see people (like when dix huit and katie came to visit me at work) and it really makes me feel better for a little while.

I guess I'm being really dramatic. I usually am.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Ok, so I finally saw Narnia with my mom and sister today. I LOVED IT. I guess this shouldn't be really surprising, but I was really worried about the movie since the books are my favorite things ever. I also don't like voice overs and animals that can talk in the movies so...uh... perhaps you can see why i was worried.

But it was AMAZING!!! Unlike the Harry Potter movies, nothing was left out and the kids were really good and I didn't even seem to notice the animal voice overs. The beavers were really funny and Mr. Tumnus was so ADORABLE. I really don't think it could have been any better. The ending was perfect. I hope they make the whole series. I want to be in them... somehow...

My mom and sister refuse to acknowledge the Christian allegory. I was getting mad and mocking them and finally said "HMMMM. The Passion of the Christ---who could THAT movie be about?!?!? It couldn't possibly be JESUS!"

I mean, how much more proof do you need then the author, one of the most important theologians EVER, admitting that they're about Jesus? They made me crazy.

PS - Ben, I'd totally see it again if you still want to go sometime. :)

Moving tomorrow. Man, it's gonna be soooo weird.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

A bunch of classes opened up for this semester (you automatically get dropped from them if you haven't paid your bill by a certain date), so I was GOING to pick up a philosophy class, but I just realized I can't. Hypothetically, if it would somehow be OK to miss at least 2 weeks of classes because of ITW tech week and performances, it would still give me no time in my day to work out or eat. And both of those things are things that I need to do.

In other school related news, in my fading memories of KSU, I got Bowman and McGilvrey halls mixed up and I somehow have to figure out a way to get from MSP to McGilvrey in 15 minutes.

In the icy tundra that is Ohio.

And then BACK to MSP.

I know this is possible... but UGH.

I should have done so much already today... but I have done NOTHING, yet. My bed was just way too comfortable this morning.... afternoon.
We didn't move the big stuff today. We did, however, unpack my car. It's funny... it took me and Dix huit what, 20 minutes to load up my car? It took me and Jen an HOUR to unload it. Most of this is due to the extreme cold and 4 flights of stairs. Every time we got up the the apartment we opened the door, let the dog out of Tara's room and then rested for 10 minutes. It was really pretty funny... we were panting soooo hard by the time we got to the top.

It'll be even MORE fun when we drag my bed up those four flights of stairs. PIVOT!!!!

After that we went to Rockne's and then Wal-mart so Jen could get off of work for my cousin Kenny's funeral tomorrow. I'm not going. I can't deal with a FUNERAL right now. Too much is already going on in my head... and even though I didn't know Kenny that well (he was my dad's first cousin and in his 70s), I KNOW I would still be a mess.

Despite Wal-mart's evilness, they have DVD players for $34. That is AMAZING.

I edited a lot out of this post...

Friday, January 06, 2006

So, Jen and I are packing up the stuff and throwing away... our lives. It's harder than I thought. I mean, I've done this before. I left this side of the country for a year and didn't bring this stuff, why on earth would I need it now?

My graduation robe, creative writing folder, lots of music and copied scripts, cards and letters, tapes I made with my friends and of vacations, day planners... I have to throw it all away. It's not like I could save it somewhere. Most people's parents stay in the same house and get to keep those silly little childhood things to look back on when they're older. A lot of the stuff I WOULD save is unrealistic based on the fact that I'm likely going to be moving a LOT in my life. I can't keep dragging it around with me.

And so... what do you keep? I actually held on to a lot of pictures with the thought "I can show these to my daughter some day." I didn't realize the absurdity in that statement until just now. I always say I don't know if I ever want kids... but maybe deep down I really do. I just want them to be just like me. What I REALLY want is a clone, apparently. But still, I wouldn't want them for like 10 years bare minimum... which to most people is crazy.

I found a card from Jim that I can't believe I didn't bring with me to California... I ALWAYS take stuff like that. It was from our first (observed) Valentine's Day together. I haven't thrown it away yet... but I haven't put it in the box of stuff to keep, either. I just don't know what to do with it. I don't know if I want to pack it away and forget about it again only to find it later and throw it away when I'm over this mess or to just do it now. I don't know if I'm OKAY with finding it someday... nor do I know if I'm okay with never seeing it again. He may not mean it ever again, but he meant it then. Should I just get rid of it? CAN I? Should I try to hold on to the good memories with what little evidence I have or should I not even waste my time?

But then... could I ever REALLY forget how happy we once were?

I can try to. It seems to me that I am always trying to, because it might make things easier. If I would just listen to every single person in my life, I would be totally over him because I could only see his bullshit and his ego an his apparent lack of human compassion. But I know past his walls. I know too much about him to think he's... what everyone tells me he is. I've ALWAYS been able to see through people. I am a REALLY good judge of character. I just don't want to forget that. I don't want to hear how awful he is so many times that I actually start believing that it's the ONLY thing about him. I just don't know if a stupid card is going to stop that.

I want to remember ALL the good things and still be able to get over him. Is that possible? Can I really have it both ways? I don't know... it's not like I have the fondest memories from my previous relationships. I want this to be different because it WAS different... but I don't know if it can be.

And so, I continue throwing away my life, hoping that the memories that do stay with me are the ones I want to....

"George: So, my whole life, everything, all I get to keep are thoughts and memories?
Rube: That's all we ever have, Peanut."
- Dead Like Me

Thursday, January 05, 2006

OH NO. I was all done with my post and then internet explorer's stupid pop-up blocker made it go away. I HATE YOU, POP-UP BLOCKER!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here is the abridged version
1. I have never been ACTUALLY disgusted by people before today. I now know why it's a bad idea to let your kids drink pop and eat whatever the want; they'll get fat.
2. Also, said disgusting people left me $2 on $50 and I wanted to kill them.
3. And a 4x5 piece of lasagna is considered the "sample size" to this freak
4. I now have off tomorrow so I think jen and I are getting the uhaul and moving then instead of over the weekend.
5. Jen has a lot to pack
6. Besides the gross people, work wasn't bad and I made a relatively easy $60.
7. After I move I don't know what the internet situation will be for a while so my updates might not be as frequent.
8. I can't wait to work out. I CAN'T WAIT!!!
9. Uhhh... ok, there is no #9

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Oh MAN would I like to thank "Weapon X" for the comment. That was awesome. :)

Today I just really wanted to die. I couldn't sleep last night (and it didn't help that before that I put in the DVD of season 10 of Friends, and when you do that, you just can't stop) and only ended up getting like... 3 hours or so of sleep. It was really not great. I had to work at 11, and as you can imagine, I was reaaaaaalllly tired, which was bad to start off with, but then my first table stiffed me, and it really didn't get any better. My AVERAGE tip was $2. I had 14 tables and I only ended up leaving with $30. That is CRAP. Everyone had a bad day, though... I wasn't the only one there who made just around thirty. It's really odd that we ALL got lousy tips. It doesn't seem like it would make mathematical sense for all the bad tippers in cuyahoga falls to go to the OG on the same day. This kind of stuff happens all the time, though. Sometimes almost every table in the restaurant will be ordering coffee. Or lasagna. Or that MFing soup and salad combo. How is that POSSIBLE? This has happened at all three restaurants I've worked at (and I'm pretty sure it happens everywhere else, too) and I just don't get it.

Anyway, after work I used my free lunch coupon that I won last week, half of which I took home, and then I went to pick up my new glasses and contacts. I look even MORE like Lisa Loeb, now. Woooo (or boo, if you don't like her. But you SHOULD).

Today all I want to do is freaking NAP until work tomorrow at 3. I guess that would be considered "going to bed" if I started now, though.

I'm working on sucking less, guys. I think I'll be a LOT better once I move and school starts. My friends will make me happy. Perhaps even in time I'll chose "Since U Been Gone" over "I Hate Myself for Losing You." Yes.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I was going to wake up early today to get stuff done in Kent... but I totally... didn't. Then it was noon and I heard my mom waking Jen up and I was just like "oh crap." My throat hurt soooooo bad this morning.. it was awful.

Anyway, I figured out that if I could get to kent by 2pm, I could do all three things I needed to do (drop money off at my new apt for Tara, take my bgsu transcript to the registers office and return a gift at W.Mart). I had left the house and was driving in my car on track to be in kent by two... but I forgot the transcript AND the gift. So, I just dropped off the money and went to Subway to get a turkey sub, because, until I got home from work just now, I thought it was 4.99 Turkey sub Wednesdays. (it's not.)

Anyway, I met the little puppy of Tara's. Her name is Peanut. I have no idea what breed of dog it is, but she's really cute. She didn't bark at all, but she did chew on my hand a little. She also laid in my lap when I sat on the couch. The apartment is really cute. My room is bigger than my current room and it has a built-in bookshelf. Jen and I might live together for my last year at Kent next year, so maybe we could stay there. What would be AWESOME is if Jen leaves the house in Mantua by the end of May and takes over the part of TARA'S lease when she leaves. I just really don't want to move after this next move for a really long time, you see. It's just laziness talking. Plus, the apartment is cute, and it's not too expensive, so it'd be good.

So, I went home before work since I forgot 2/3 of the things I was going to do. I talked to my friend Chris Kateff for a while which wasn't so wonderful... but it'll be ok someday. At least we have eachother! ;)

THEN I went to work and DIX-HUIT AND KATIE E. CAME TO SEE ME!!! It was so... amazing. Dix huit got the lunch size chicken giardino and Katie got the chicken castelina. They both split an amazing piece of the chocolate lasagna (the reason I wanted to work at the OG in the first place). They sat in booth 52. I was so happy they came to see me and it is a memory that will live in my heart always.

I made $60 at work... I thought I had made more, but it was before I COUNTED my money, so I really don't know where I got the number 80 from. My last table tipped me one whole dollar on $30. I kind of didn't think they were going to tip me at all, though, because... well... they just looked like crap.

I can't wait to have a day off. I work tomorrow morning and Thursday and Friday nights, though. And THEN I have to move this weekend... and then ITW rehearsal starts... and then SCHOOL, rehearsal and work... and I still need to find time to work out and read the plays for theatre history and maybe secretly go tanning (I don't know why... just don't ask). Will it never end?

No, it won't ever end. And I guess that's good because I don't think about Jim when I'm busy.

So, yeah, my mom broke her wrist. Jen took her to see the Mantua house and my mom fell down the stairs (just one step) and, apparently, landed on her wrist. We sort of knew it was broken immediately because my mom NEVER goes to the doctor, but she went for this. She got the cast put on today. She's ok... she laughs about it (even though broken bones are NO LAUGHING MATTER). Too bad I couldn't get some freaky pictures of it to post on here (a la my broken toe 2 years ago).

(more posts below this dumb survey)





DID YOU GET INTO IT: Uh... Yes. As you can tell.


FAVORITE THEATRE (VENUE): oh, I don't know

FAVORITE PLAY: "Much Ado About Nothing"

FAVORITE MUSICAL: "Bat Boy", "Kiss Me, Kate", "Hair", "Into the Woods"



FAVORITE DIRECTOR: That I've worked with? Uhhhh... Rich


HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DANCE SOLO: Believe it or not, but I sort of have. You have to be very generous as to what you consider "a dance solo", though.



NAME A SHOW YOU'VE DONE MORE THAN TWO TIMES: I've done "Pippin" two times, and I'd do it again if I had the chance.


HAVE YOU BEEN TO LA: Yes, as we all know. Best year ever.

SCARIEST PART OF AN AUDITION: Waiting for a callback/waiting to see if you got cast


NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN: Finian's Rainbow, that show is disgusting.

NAME A SHOW YOU COULD DO FOR YEARS: "Kiss Me, Kate", "Pippin", "Rocky Horror"

NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD LOVE TO DO BUT HAVE NEVER BEEN IN: "Bat Boy", "Urinetown", "The Last Five Years"


WHAT ARE YOU AUDITIONING FOR NEXT: Maybe "Godspell" at the Guild, but most likely the Porthouse/Cain Park seasons or "Sunday in the Park with George" if TK lets me




ON A SCALE OF 1-10 HOW IMPORTANT IS GETTING PAID: There are a few shows I would do for free no matter what... but right now it's more important TO get paid.

WHAT IS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE PERFORMANCE: My most memorable performance to MYSELF was Lilli... to others, I'm sure it was Janet in Rocky Horror

WHAT'S SOMETHING EMBARRASSING OR UNEXPECTED THAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHILE ON STAGE: When I split in half as Fruma-Sarah, when the scrim came down on my head during Rocky Horror, when I had the "syntax lapse" in Guys and Dolls and only spoke gibberish for about 15 seconds (instead of my lines), when Ryan McMullen fell off the stage in Pippin, uncontrollable choking because I ate that damn carrot before going on stage in COE during "Generations" (in front of stephen schwartz)

WHO IS THE MOST DIFFICULT PERSON (ON STAGE OR OFF) THAT YOU HAVE EVER WORKED WITH: uhh... I won't name the two names I'm thinking of. But I'm sure you could guess.



BEST PROFESSIONAL SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN: You know... maybe because I was in love at the time, and maybe because we were all so close by this point, but I really want to say it was "The Foreigner" at Huron. I was kind of in it, but not enough to not see how awesome it was.


BEST COLLEGE SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN: "On the Verge", without a doubt

BEST AMATEUR/COMMUNITY SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN: "Godspell" with the Portage Lakes Players (or whatever they were)

BEST HIGH SCHOOL SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN: "Les Miserables" at the Guild

a) Been killed? Not yet, but I'm about to be (I have tried to commit suicide in a play before, though)
b) Been drunk / stoned? Yes. Mrs. Ernest Henderson was definitely drunk off her ass in "Annie Get Your Gun"
c) Played someone half your age? no... but I would loooooove to play the title role in Annie
d) Played someone twice your age? Yes, Queen Aggravain, Rose in Gypsy, Berthe in Pippin, and I will again as Jack's Mom
g) Driven a car? I've ridden in a car on stage
h) Been drenched? YES
i) Been in a dream sequence? Yes, the dream blanket ballet in YAGMCB... hahaha
j) Been kissed? Yes. ;)

IF YOU WERE ON BROADWAY RIGHT NOW, WHAT SHOW WOULD YOU WANT TO BE IN AND WHAT ROLE WOULD YOU PLAY?: Olive or Logainne in "The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee" or Christine in "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels"

Monday, January 02, 2006

My mom broke her wrist. :(
Yesterday we were soooo slow at work. I made $30, but only because my last table tipped me $17 (which I felt really bad about because I started to get really impatient waiting for them to leave). TODAY, of course, we were crazy busy for some reason. I made $50 (I would have made $60, but I transferred my last 2 tables to my zone replacement, Christine), so at least it was worth it. The time also flew by, which was nice.

I am so... sick. Thankfully it hasn't gotten to my ears yet, or I'd hate my life. That's always the worst because when it gets to your ears, you lose practically every sense. You have no balance, you can't think, hear, see, smell, taste... right now I mainly have a cold or something. Every morning when I wake up my throat is on FIRE and I can't talk, but my nose isn't stuffed up yet, so I'm kind of confused as to WHY my throat hurts so bad in the morning. I also keep losing my voice throughout the day. I really don't want this to go to my nasal passage... I'll be so sad if it does.

Well, the Week of Despair is over.... I'm going to have to somehow avoid reading Gilmore blogs (which will never happen), because I think it'll be really sad to hear all about the trip. In some ways I'm sad it's over though, because of the following reasons:
1. In Florida Jim couldn't get to any of the ladies he's pursuing
2. He probably had a bad time which makes me happy in an awful way
3. I KNOW at some point he thought about me, and how much fun *I* would have been having if he weren't so completely stupid.

Man, I am a mean girl. I am GLAD he most likely didn't have a good time. Well... I SHOULD be glad he didn't have a good time. And do you know why? Because in MY world, if you make someone miserable, that person is allowed to hope that YOU can never be happy again, too. As long as I feel the way I feel, I want him to be unhappy, too. Because, as I said, I am a mean girl.

That's not very Christian of me, is it? Sorry, I can't help it, and I'm not gonna PRETEND I don't feel that way.

I have become SO cynical. Today Esther was saying she was regressing in her maturity level because she used to believe in love and that there was a person for everyone out there, and now she doesn't anymore. I said "That's not immaturity, that's just common sense." I HATE being like this, and I am so ANGRY that Jim made me this way. I am NOT normally like this. And yeah, I guess I have a choice in my actions, but HOW could I chose to feel any other way? I think it's really ironic, too... because Jim always thought we were incompatible because our personalities were so different. Well, now I'm just as crazy and cynical as he's been since he was 10, and he won't even talk to me.

Thank you, Steve, for being one of the first people to tell me it'll take at least a year to get over. I already knew, but it was really nice to hear it from someone else.

I'm very prone to obsession. If you couldn't tell.

So, I believe I'm moving to Kent this weekend. That's exciting. I look forward to not having to try to leave rehearsal early because of my looming drive back home in bad weather. And I could actually hang out with my friends... and I'll be in the same apartment complex as Mr. Guff, haha! AND I'll finally be able to unpack my car from my move back here!!

Sunday, January 01, 2006

I did it. I didn't call Jim on his birthday.

Let me just say that during the last minute of this ridiculous year, I almost ran out of the room with my phone to call him and tell him happy birthday. It was a struggle until the very end. I actually had that storybook type internal argument with myself. But somehow... I did it.

It didn't make me any happier.

Work sucked. We were super busy until 8:30, when we got off the wait and I only had four more tables in the last 2.5 hours. I also couldn't have one of my tables sat for a while because of this party... so when I was hoping to make at least $100, I only made $85.

I watched "March of the Penguins" last night. It was really beautifully done and I liked it a lot. We also watched "Finding Neverland" which was good. I saw "Saved!" the other night again, which is a GREAT movie... I would suggest it to anyone.

I open tomorrow morning which SUCKS. Not that I'm out having fun or doing anything, but it still sucks. It's now officially my mom's birthday. Happy Birthday, mom!

I woke up this morning with NO voice at all. I don't really feel bad besides that, but I don't think talking at work helped it any. I think tomorrow it will be worse.

I didn't keep either of my 2005 resolutions. One was to stretch every day, which lasted a couple of weeks, the other was to read/finish the whole bible. I got off track on that one for mooooonths, but when Jim broke up with me I started reading the Old Testament again from the beginning. I'm almost done with 2 Chronicles, but I already read all of the New Testament, so I don't really have THAT much left. This year it will be easier to do the things I want to do. I won't have any distractions...

The Week of Despair is almost over. Some people at work were talking about Disney World today because one girl's brother is there and another's parents live in Orlando. They said it was a beautiful day in Orlando today. Great.

Sorry I'm such a downer lately. No one likes a downer. I just can't help it... I have nothing happy to talk about.