It's 2am... and we all know 2am posts are never good.

This blog is about to get a lot more interesting to those of you (myself included) who are addicted to... The Break-Up Blog.

Let's start at the beginning. It was April 2004. I had just gotten back from over a week in CA on spring break. Things were awesome between us.... spring break was one of my favorite trips out here. And then... something changed. After that day, save two really nice visits in May and when he came home in July.... nothing was ever the same. I still have no idea what caused him to do a complete 180... and apparently I'll never know.

It's not like Jim was ever a really emotional person. I don't think he lets himself get too close to people. But from that day on be became so much more distant... At first I thought it was just one of his moods, then I thought it was a stage, THEN I thought my moving here would help things and finally I just started thinking/hoping that, since the BAD change was so abrupt, he could go back to normal. I know he's CAPABLE of being a human being who cares about people--he was sooooo sweet before--so it's not like this wish was totally off-base. It just never happened.

HOWEVER---do not be fooled by his blog and his twisting of words. We did not "break up"... oh no, he DUMPED me. He sat there with a blank look on his face for hours while I sat there crying and trying to figure out what happened. I have never felt more abandoned in my life.

I admit that I was ridiculous that evening. I cried so much, I made myself look so stupid, and he stood there stone-faced. It seemed to take all the will in him when he patted me on the back. I was so mad at myself for... well, I guess I'm STILL mad at myself. I went over there just to talk about something. I almost left at the beginning of the conversation because he was being such a jerk.. he was not in a conversational mood and I didn't want to deal with that. What happened took me completely by surprise... I didn't even know WHAT happened and had to ask "Do you just not want to see me for a few days or are you breaking up with me???" I wish I could translate with text alone his response to that. Those of you lucky enough to have heard my imitation know how cruel he was.

When I left it was 3:30. I called Alison. We talked until after 5am. His mom called me the next day, and then Christy called. I talked to Kellee about it later in the day and then Leona. Today I talked to Dan... each one of these people told me I'd be better off without him. That I don't deserve to be in a relationship with someone who treats me the way he treated me, who can't even see how great I am... and I mean, I agree with them. In fact, even JIM agrees with them as he kind of said the same thing. But do you think that it makes this any better? Not at all. And I guess what I finally realized is that I don't want to be with mean, weird Jim... I want to be with NORMAL Jim. I want to be with the Jim who has feelings and cares about human beings and for ONCE makes me a priority in his life. I know he exists... I just don't know what happened to him.

Jim was saying this week that who he is now is who he wants to stay... because he's now a "better person." Can anyone else see the absurdity in this statement? How can someone so full of neglect and void of feelings be a BETTER person than the one who I thanked God for daily? How can THAT GUY be BETTER than the one who made me happy every second of every day... even though I never got to see him? How is that POSSIBLE? It's not even like he's transferred his former coolness to another outlet---it's just GONE.

You know, I feel bad writing all of this... but I'd do it eventually, so it might as well be now.

There are so many things that make me furious... but I think that what makes me the most mad is that last month, when we agreed to work on all that stuff... I actually DID IT. I was really starting to get to know his friends and I've been working sooo hard this month to make enough money... all he really had to do was try to talk to me... and he said that he can't. Not only did he not even give it as much time as we agreed on but he also just totally gave up. He freaking GAVE UP on a 2+ year relationship, on a girl who moved from Ohio to be with him (who is SO COOL!) because he didn't want to TRY. Now I understand that when you don't have to work at anything in your life because it all comes so easily, it's hard to remember that interpersonal relationships are different. When there are people involved, it's not like school. You CAN'T just show up, play Snood on your laptop and expect everything to still be ok. Life will never be that way. You HAVE to try when it's more than just you who matters. I don't think he'll ever understand that, though.

I really feel like if he can't be in a relationship with ME (and I the THE easiest person to be in a relationship with), than there is absolutely no hope for him. No one else would put up with what I put up with. And no one else is as freaking AWESOME as I am.

So... here I am. Confused, scared, dead inside.... but still so, so hurt. It's not just the relationship I miss... it's not even just normal Jim that I miss.. I miss the complete Jim. I just don't understand how you can love someone so much and fight for them for so long... and have it kicked in your face. Again. I feel so betrayed by my heart. If it was really so wrong, and I'M the blind one, how could I feel SO differently?

It just sucks, you know? I would have stayed with him forever... not because I settled or because I was comfortable... but because I know what he's capable of and it is so much, in so many different ways. He's an amazing guy... I just wish he could show that ever again.




I'm thinking pretty seriously about moving. I have a lot to do. NYC is the obvious choice since everyone I know lives there.... and it's kind of the center of what I want to do with my life. Christy also suggested working for Disney World in Orlando.... so that's an option too. I'm NOT going to bail on Dustin (and I don't want to lose my security deposit) so we gotta figure this out before anything else can happen. If I moved to NYC I'd be able to sell my car, though, which would help all financial matters a ton.




Everyone thinks I should be so excited about the prospects in my life... I have a "clean slate" and "anything is possible." I still feel dead, though. Really. It's just so unreal.



(not that I imagine anyone's buying me anything for my birthday (which is now... ruined), but I guess this makes it pretty clear not to buy anything geographically limited (like a membership at the 24 hour fitness in sherman oaks or the dance studio card... just so you know)