It.... is..... my....

BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!

Ok, well... this sucks.

I don't know what happened, but somehow last night Kelly got mad at Dustin and now Dustin is afraid he's moving out. This CAN'T happen. For one, if he moves out, I will be about $400 short on rent. Also, he was like... my ticket out of LA (by taking over my part of the lease). Oh, God, I am so sooooo scared right now. For once in the last three weeks I have something OTHER than just Jim on my mind...

I hope he doesn't move out. He can't. He just CAN'T.

I HATE my life. This is so awful, and just another money-related road block. Those of you who don't have to worry about this kind of stuff are so lucky. I can't believe what my life is. I feel like a drug addict or something. I will NEVER be able to dig myself out of this. I owe money to like four different people, not to mention my school debt, car, rent, utilities. I wish there was SOMETHING I could do without making myself more miserable.

Maybe I deserve to be miserable, though. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. And although ONE of my problems wasn't my fault (the car accident... which started all the trouble), the other ones are, and I don't know what to do anymore.

I just need so much help. I have never felt so hopeless.

Jeez, even if Kelly DOES come back... this is just adding to problems I've been pushing out of my mind for far too long. I hate this. I hate what my life has become.

I hope everyone remembers to set their clocks back. I thought about that ALL NIGHT and then was surprised when I saw the computer clock saying it was 2 instead of 3.

I just got home from a Halloween party at this guy I work with, Tuck's, house. It was fun. I was Lucy. It was mostly fun when Erin and Brad got there, although I had fun before then, too. Brad was dressed as a baseball player and I kept doing this really funny thing where I'd "stumble upon him", scream hysterically and start crying out "Oh my God!! What ARE you???? You're so SCARY!!!!!" It was REALLY funny (mainly because he was just a REGULAR baseball player), but it might not be funny over internet text. But trust me. It was. I plan on doing it more often in my Halloween outings.

After I couldn't figure out how to open this trash can and finally just turned around, sighing and saying "I can't open this," Nate decided there should be a comic strip written about me (and NOT just because I was dressed as a Peanuts character). He is wise.

I really like Leya at work. She is really cool. I told her she had a beautiful face and wonderful bone structure and she said "this is why I like people more when they're drunk." I told her I of course WASN'T drunk, that's just how I AM, and she liked me even more.

I somehow made $50 in 3 hours at work tonight, despite craaaaaappppy tips. This one table where everything went GREAT... the bill was $56.04 and he gave me $60 telling me to keep the change. I believe this happened to me once before.... on Mother's Day at the OG. JERKS. I was really mad. We were slow, so I got cut at like 9pm. I asked Patrick if I could have a lemon passion (for my birthday) and he let me, which was nice. Man, I feel like I'll never have to pay for food again since these guys just keep GIVING it to me.

I don't know what to do on my birthday. I SHOULD go to that audition, although most likely it'll be a waste of time since I might not get to audition. However, I really want to drive down to Santa Ana to get a Jack FM sticker on my car and see if I can win U2 tickets. They BOTH could be a waste of time.

I hope I get a cake... somehow.

I can't believe tomorrow (technically) is my birthday. I wish I was happier. I've finally started promoting it, mainly because I'm already afraid Jim'll continue to ignore me on it... but if I don't hear from anyone ELSE, too, it'll be REALLY bad.

I bought groceries today. Hooray! :) (PS - I bought some "pesto" spice... I just don't really know how to make it if it's already dried. Should I heat olive oil, put the pesto (which is just dried basil and some other things) in, and then add parmesan? I don't know what to do... if anyone does, please let me know :) )

My throat hurts from all my fake screaming and it's late so I need to sleeeeeeeeep. Goodnight.

I made $100 tonight. I was happy. I only had two *crappy* tips... one $6 on $60 (however, I wasn't expecting too much. The girls (who were probably around 18) were taking their mom out for her birthday dinner and they paid. They were nice, though, so it wasn't a huge deal) and one freaking $2 and a handful of change on $45. THAT did piss me off. I should have known though... the first thing they asked me when they came in was "do you have milkshakes here?" I wanted to say "Well, no... but Fudrucker's next door does..." Jerks.

I also got all my checks from background, which were $77 and $154. That was a glorious surprise. It's nice to make $100 when I work a LOT (like tonight)... it's even nicer to make it when I do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like on Monday and Tuesday.

I looooove one of our managers, Eric. He is everyone's favorite. Once I asked him to "buy" me a lemon passion... and he did. Today I asked him if he would "buy" me a pizza... and not only did he buy ME a pizza, he bought two others so we could ALL have some. When I asked he was just like "Oh... why not." He's great. He's supposedly leaving in November to start his own business... I am considering leaving then, too, even if I DO have to stay in LA, because it's like... WHAT is the point of working there if he won't be there? Seriously. When he's not there it's chaos in the kitchen. Plus... he's usually the only one in a good mood.

I want Halloween candy. Yes I do.

I think Dustin is starting to get better. Good to see the bird flu can't keep him down.

We're getting the refrigerator tomorrow!!!!!!! yay!!!!!! I can finally buy milk!!!!! And groceries other than easy mac and cans of soup!!!!!!! And I can make ice tea!!!!! God, the possibilities are ENDLESS!!!

You know what sucks? I still miss Jim. I still also feel like I'll never be happy again. Like I'll never be comfortable again, complete again. Yes, I said complete. I feel like something has been taken away from me that has left a void that can never be filled. Jim's mom has said a lot that she thinks I probably don't miss him--just the relationship (I suppose, because WHY would I miss him?)--but no, I miss him. And I hate myself for missing him because I feel like I'll miss him forever... and try as I might to think ONLY of bad things (because that would make it easier) from the relationship, I probably think of the good ones just as much. And so... I miss him. Because I can't forget the good times.

Stupid memory.

I think I need to watch Eternal Sunshine. I'll probably cry hysterically, but it's probably about time I saw it.

Man, I sure do wish I was going to see U2 on Tuesday or Wednesday next week.

Especially since they've been playing "With or Without You"... and I could dance with Bono.

I mean, of course, hypothetically.

I didn't want to get out of bed today, so I didn't until 12:30. I have to work at 4pm, and I'm closing, so I'll be there until probably 12:30-1am.... so I figured it was best to get my rest now. Sidework sucks. We didn't have any at the OG. At the MG the servers do EVERYTHING---half the time we have to seat our own tables (at least if we WANT tables, because the hosts don't know what they're doing) and bus our tables, not to mention running food and all the other crap we have to do. The bussers don't do ANYTHING (yet they are called "server assistants") and we're supposed to tip them out... for WHAT? Ugh.

Well, that was my little work rant for the day. If you're lucky, maybe I'll have another one when I get home tonight.

I had a momentary lapse of craziness for a minute, but I edited it out.

I'll put the last sentence back in, though...

"And yes, I will be WAY MORE SAD if he doesn't call than if he does [on my birthday]."

It's true. You wouldn't think an already ruined birthday could be ruined MORE... but it can. And it WILL BE ruined more if he doesn't at least CALL.

I told you I have the right to celebrate my birthday all month long.... "Halloween turning into monthlong holiday"

I got my Halloween costume. I'm going as Lucy... as in Lucy van Pelt, from Peanuts fame. You may have heard of her...

Too bad I didn't have my costume from Huron... that would have worked best. I did get a blue dress from goodwill for only $7, though.

It was between Lucy and everyone's favorite lesbo, Peppermint Patty, but I decided for Lucy because:
A. I like Lucy better
B. The Peppermint Patty stuff I found was SOOOOO unflattering. It made me look like I was 50 pounds heavier.

So, yay. I'm going to wear it to either Beth and Rich's party or the West Hollywood Halloween Carnival, depending on which one I go to. Maybe both. Who knows. What I DO know is that if I sat at home and cried all day, that would be the worst birthday ever.

I mean, it already going to be a bad birthday... and probably the worst ever... but I don't want to make it even MORE bad.

Anyway, I called Dan after that and we talked for a while... I like Dan. I'm glad we're "allowed" to be friends again.

Dustin is really sick. I think he has the bird flu. I'm soooo scared I'm going to get sick. I've been spraying everything with disinfectant spray.

I decided it would be fun to walk around Target for a while... which it was. Although, it was also bad, because I found things to buy, including a birthday present for myself since I have nothing to do anymore. I'm going to take up knitting. Yes, you heard it here first, kids. I also got a bra, toilet paper and (because I know eventually I will need this and I was saving money NOW by buying them together (and who knows how long they'll sell them together!)) the Almay green eye makeup, because it came with ALL THREE (eyeliner, mascara and shadow) for $10.99! I saved like at least $10. I can't buy anything else, though, for... well, pretty much for the rest of my life.

I had Chipotle for dinner. It was the first time in a while I'd had it and yes, it's still great.

More than anything else in the world, I want a kitten. I can't have one out here because Dustin is allergic (and the apartment complex doesn't allow them), but when I move away I want to get a little kitten to take care of, and have it grow up with me so that I never feel as alone as I do again.

I went to work out at archstone in the middle of writing this post. I did 5 miles on the elliptical today and yesterday, and I also did 4 on the bike today. It was... sweaty.

I feel like I thought of more things to talk about while I was working out, but maybe I didn't.

Oooooooh.... looks like Harriet Miers gave up too. Her blog looks so sad.... kind of like my life.

I gave up.

Oh well....

If anyone wants to give me $1300 for my birthday so I can buy into AFTRA without losing my checks every week... I'd be... happy. You'd be, essentially, GIVING me my career, which would be something I could hopefully thank you for some way... perhaps in a bio in the playbill of a broadway show.

In other news, I switched my shift on Friday so that I'm working at night and can make money (yay!) AND I have a Saturday night shift picked up. I will NOT be making $2000 this month. There's no way unless I make, like, $500 both Friday and Saturday nights. So... I already know, my goal was just too high. Boo. :( I hope I can afford to live in November...

Man, I wish I was exaggerating... but I'm not.

I think I'm going to take a nap in a little while... I've been kind of sleepy all day.

Well, today was okay. Long, but... I didn't really do anything, so it wasn't bad. We were at the studio from 12-10, but I was actually only WORKING for maybe an hour. I actually can't wait to see this episode (and no, I have no idea when they'll be on. The two titles so far are "Heck's Kitchen" (where I'm a chef) and "Bowling") because it's really funny.

Since a few of us were in so much stuff yesterday, they just had us "outside" the "hotel" doing crosses for two of the scenes... and it was so boring that after a while we pretended to sell drugs on the street or dance or other stuff. I also forgot to mention that Caroline Rae is on this episode. She's funny, and it's not like she's MEAN (she's actually pretty nice), but she seems to have a little bit of an ego. Nothing extreme... but kind of... there.

I didn't realize the twins on the show were totally the kid from Big Daddy and who played little Ben Gellar on Friends. The Olsens "adopted" them as this generation's new twin face or something.

"That's So Raven" tapes next door and she came in yesterday. I forgot to mention that, too. She seemed nice. Everyone liked her. It was kind of funny because I was walking back from lunch with Leona and said "I hope I run in to Raven in the hallway" and she came on set like 15 minutes later.

The show is on hiatus next week (which is good because I'm going to be going to an audition on my birthday... it's not like I have anything fun to do), but I'm planning on working every week until I either move or they're done for the season. I realize that in like 20 days all my paychecks are going to have to go to AFTRA... which will SUCK... but then I'll be a member of AFTRA and after a year I can join.. EQUITY. It should only take like 6 weeks or so (if I only worked the suite life) of no paycheck... which still sucks, but it isn't TOO bad. Not as bad as the years of collecting equity points it would take to join normally. And after I'm equity, I could go to equity auditions and actually be seen!!! Amazing, I know.

My friend on the show that I met yesterday, Mike, was trying to tell me it's too early to move away, but, you know... I still want to. He asked "what are some good theatre companies out here?" and I was like "yeah, there aren't any". He's pretty cool... we played UNO with some other people. I had never played before, but I actually ended up coming in 2nd place. You know why? Because I am SMART.

Sigh.... just five days away... :(

I was at Hollywood Center studios ALL DAY. I didn't know if I'd get to work the show or not today since Central Casting is stupid, but one of the extras didn't come in and Leona called me at 10 til 10am, and, somehow, I was there within an hour. I don't even know if I used shampoo in the shower because I was in such a hurry. We were on set until 8:30! Yes, this will be some sweet OT but I was pretty tired... even though we didn't really do much.

The last scene we filmed today... jeez... we were filming for 3.5 hours. The only good thing was that I was sitting for most of this time and the scene was pretty funny. I actually laughed out loud at one point, which I should have known better to do, but the guy who plays Arwen is so freaking hilarious that I couldn't help it. I also made friends with this nice boy, Mike, who is friends with... uh.. Brian (I THINK that's his name) who is either related to, or knows really well, Beth and Rich (Leona's aunt and uncle/A.D. and director of the show, respectively), so we talked about their gigantic mansion house and how nice they are. Oh, and he's from Michigan so we talked about "pop," too (because it IS "pop" and "soda" is a stupid thing to say).

Leona is trying to convince me that it's a bad idea to bring my furniture back when I move. I mean, yeah, I guess it is, but I wanted to do it to save... going out again to buy the same thing. However, she does have a point: I can sell the furniture here, and not have to pay to get a uhual trailer (which would cost $500 not including the more expensive gas and risk of something happening to the car from towing). I can also break down my dresser to lay flat... so if I have to do that, I can. I feel like I have MORE things than I had when I moved out here (besides just the furniture), but maybe I'm wrong.

I just got another nice surprise... the e-ticket receipt from my one-way plane ticket to ohio for christmas. :( This is just so unfair...

I can't find my checkbook and it's making me really mad because I need it.

I would just like to point out to anyone who is interested: NOT talking to Jim makes me sadder than talking to him would. Maybe it was different for everyone else, but for ME, that's the way it is. And, as I've said a million times, it would be SO MUCH BETTER to talk to him now than a couple of weeks from now... especially since he keeps IGNORING me and in a couple of weeks I'll probably rather punch him in the face than talk to him.

You know... I am so close to pulling out the old "desperate times call for desperate measures" excuse. THAT is what happens when you IGNORE ME.

I am sure you can imagine my joy when I got the mail from yesterday today and saw the Disney vacation planning DVD. THAT really made me feel good...

And I know it was probably too late to unsend it... so I was expecting it... but it still made me feel... pretty bad.

I went for a walk after that. I was going to take the metro somewhere, but I realized that when I got back it would be too dark. So, I just walked down to the Starbucks on Magnolia.

I'm so mad at myself. While passing Halloween costume shops, I thought a lot about my birthday when I was walking and how I'm actually dreading it... I've NEVER felt that way before. But, then again, I've never been in a situation where NO ONE around me will care. If I would have still been at the OG it would be ok---I was there long enough for people to know about it/want to do something with me. But I only know a COUPLE people at the MG really well (besides the people who came from the OG, of course), and I don't want to go announcing it to them anyway... probably because I am not looking forward to it at all. I'm sure Leona and Kellee will care... but other than that, it's kind of hopeless.

And then I thought back to my going away party last year. Jim was being kind of mean to me right before I moved here, and I remember sitting there crying and saying "How can I leave people who would miss me this much for THAT GUY??"

Jim didn't care about my birthday at all last year, but I was so excited. I went home that weekend because I knew it would be stupid to spend it with someone who didn't even care. My birthday wasn't GOOD at home (it was kind of depressing), but at least my family and Dix huit cared. Of course, to top everything off, the thing Jim wanted to do sooo badly on my birthday rather than hang out with his girlfriend, he didn't even end up doing. Leona wanted me to break up with him then... he doesn't think of anyone but himself and he proves it over and over. Even when he's trying to be giving (ie, only donating to charities for presents), I feel like he's only doing it to uphold the image he wants people to see of him.

I don't think it's working.

How can anyone think you're a good person when you have no concern for the people who ARE in your life? I hate to quote musicals for important things, but I will, because if you're going to quote ANY musical, it might as well be "Hair":
And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who say they care about social injustice
Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

He takes his family for granted, he took ME for granted. I bet if he could break up with his family, he'd do that, too. It's like... we know too much. We know, SOMEWHERE in there is a person who doesn't need to prove he's artistic, giving, smart, talented... people can see that naturally if it's there. We've seen the vulnerable side, which is something I think he wants to pretend doesn't exist.

I guess he's one of those people who isn't happy unless something is wrong. He invented problems so that we could fight... he MADE himself unable to talk to me. It wasn't always like that. We used to have great conversations. Even after he stopped talking, I remember one time when he did he admitted feeling a lot better afterwards. Amazing.

From what I understand about his relationship with Becky, though, I can't say I'm surprised. They fought all the time, were totally wrong for eachother and he proposed to her? Really? He tries to blame it on immaturity (and i'm sure that had something to do with it), but can you see a clearer case of only-happy-when-it-rains syndrome (which is a syndrome I just made up. I'm sure there's a technical term for it, but I don't want to spend the time looking it up)?

Why would *I* want to be with someone like that? Haven't I had enough crap in my relationships already? Maybe I am a masochist. Maybe I've just been hurt so much that I don't expect anything else.

I'm still on the losing side, though. I sit here every day, wishing there were SOMEONE here to hold on to... and there's not. I gave all that up, remember? I can't believe my Ohio/other friends still talk to me. I gave them up for this bullshit. I sacrificed everyone I knew and look what happened.

It's totally my fault that I feel this way. I can't blame my decision to move here on Jim. I can blame his incredibly poor timing, tactlessness, inability to feel anything and the fact that he is still ignoring me on him, but the desperation... that's my own fault.

I feel bad for his friends out here, though. They'll never know how much of a good guy he can be.

Man, I was at work FOREVER. I begged Tuck to let me take over his section, and he is a saint, and let me. The kitchen was a mess tonight. I don't know what happened. My first table went relatively smoothly, but my next, entrees took about 20 minutes after the kids' came out, and then, although the table never complained or anything, when i was boxing up the food, i saw that the chicken was burnt! I asked Terry to take stuff off, and he did, and the ladies were happy and tipped me really well. My next party was a 15... and unfortunately at the MG we can't do auto-gratuity, so it sucked. The bill was so high... $280, and I got $30. They ordered a TON of alcohol and the bar was so mad at me. Well, actually, just one bartender was mad.... but he was REALLY mad. Since I only had 3 tables, I could only tip so much out... so... it wasn't good. I made $50, which is way more than i would have made as a drink runner, and obviously more than I would have made sitting at home... but I should have made $50 on the party of 15. Those jerks.

I miss auto-grat.... grrrr...

Anyway, as I was saying earlier, yes, this guy, Kelly, moved in. I don't even know WHEN he did it, since Dustin and I worked at 6, but when I got home, his stuff was here. I am so happy about this... I can't believe it actually happened. It was all so... rushed. But whatever, he's here, and now I can make REAL plans for moving...

Oh, also, I wish I could take a picture of our bathroom right now. He has more products than not just me and Dustin combined, but me, Dustin, Emily and Lauren (and they had a LOT of products!) combined. NO JOKE. I wanted to say to Dustin (and I would have, but he's in bed) "Uh... I thought a GUY was moving in... not 4 girls."

He's obviously gay. OBVIOUSLY.

I'm gonna have to get some curtains for the loft, as it has no fourth wall. It's just like being on stage!

I heard somewhere that we're getting a refrigerator soon. God, I hope so. I bought some uh... really, really bad tasting "instant alfredo" thing... you know, just add water and microwave. I'm surprised I didn't vomit while eating it. It was awful. But, you know, I'm poor and I can't keep anything in the apartment that will spoil, so my options are pretty much limited to easy mac, the "pouch" mac and cheese,... and uh... well, that's about it. And cookies. Of course.

Dear Christy, I miss you. Don't YOU abandon me, too. I hope you guys are okay in Florida...

I'm going to call work again tomorrow to see if they need people at night. If they do, good, because I would like to work there and make more money than I would here... which would be zero. Unless I missed something and you can make money while doing nothing now.

I don't have anything depressing to say right now... but that'll probably change really soon.

Last night I was awoken at 3am by 4 drunk guys in my living room speaking french.

I wasn't PLEASED about this... until this morning. When Dustin said "Kelly wants to move in here."

I said "REALLY? I'll go move into the loft..you can have my room."

This happened at around 1:30-2 and I am already totally moved into the loft.

I also, thankfully, got someone to give me their shift for tonight, too, so even though I'm only drink runner (right now), at least I won't NOT be making money.

So, things are looking a little tiny bit up right now. I need to shower and get ready for work, but I'll write more later...

Today sucked. Nothing good at all happened, I couldn't even get the dinner shift and only made $15 and I wish that I would have had something to do.

Oh yeah, AND central casting was supposed to call me about next week on the suite life... and they never did, so i called them, and after leona assured me that they put my name in for monday and tuesday, they had no record of it. So I might not even be able to work those two days but I HAVE to because I NEED the money I'd get from it. Especially since I couldn't work tonight.

I also HAVE to work tomorrow night (I am DESPERATE... i HAVE TO), so I don't know what will happen if I can't. WHY haven't they scheduled me any night shifts in the last three weeks??

Everyone, I'm losing it. I hate everything. I have absolutely no purpose and I'm going to die on the street because I have NO MONEY.

And rent is due in a week and a half.

The callback went okay today. I don't know if anything will come of it, nor is it that important. The director was very complimentary of my voice, and he seemed genuinely impressed and happy to meet me... so at least I have that going. I REALLY liked the choreographer... she was really cool. I was also surprised at how much the blind music director joked about being blind. SHE was really cool, too. They were ALL really cool.

One of the girls I was auditioning with was in Smokey Joe's Cafe on Broadway. I can't believe I got called in to this audition AND got called back. It was fun, though... I got to sing in 4-part harmony. I missed that. It made me happy for a little while.

I am really starting to get concerned that Jim will never communicate with me ever again. I didn't DO anything and I feel like I'm being punished. His "break communication" thing is probably the worst idea ever had. I'm serious. By the time he finally DOES ever talk to me again (and I'm sure he eventually will), I'll have to get over everything ALL OVER AGAIN. People are shocked when I tell them we haven't talked at ALL since it happened. I guess they, like I, don't understand how he expects me to be okay when I don't even know what is going on.

I want to get out of LA so bad. I am miserable all the time.

So, I decided that I'm gonna make a website for really boring people to post their really stupid, boring opinions. They can use pictures, too. And they can pretend they're all deep and shit, and I'll just laugh at them because they are just boring. I think I'll call it... YASJANOLY.com (you're a stupid jerk and no one likes you... dot com)

I made $20 today. HOPEFULLY I have someone switching shifts with me tomorrow so that I work at night... God, it is SOOOO vital that I get a night shift.

I got my first check from the extra stuff... I forgot about tax, so my next check will probably be just $122 or so. I have $400 in the bank right now. You know how much I NEED to have in the bank right now? $1200 more than that.

That callback is in 2 hours. I should probably get ready. Haha... I told you I didn't care. The only thing that makes me happy about it is that it will take up some TIME. Since all I do is go to work, come home and THINK, something else will be good filler.

I'm trying to make people feel bad enough into giving me their shifts at work. "I need to make $1200 in the next week and a half, my boyfriend broke up with me right before my birthday (which I won't be getting any presents for), I wasn't scheduled ANY night shifts for the next two weeks and my parents are losing their house... will you let me work your Saturday night, PLEASE?"

I think I'm gonna make a secret blog. Like Lave. Although, this wouldn't be the first time I had a secret blog.... so it's also like ME. If you want to read the secret blog you know where to find me (secret blog will not start until after I get home tonight, at the earliest, so don't go looking for it before then).

So, I went to this audition... I didn't care at ALL. I almost didn't go, I didn't care so much. I didn't even come PREPARED---my headshot and resume weren't stapled and I didn't have a pen. I was never nervous, I just kind of wanted to get it over with so that I could go home...

And now I get called back.

Ok, what IS this? I don't care and I get called back and when I care so much it hurts, I don't. I also had to sing a capella because the musical director is blind so she can't really... sight read. She does have perfect pitch, though, so she gave me the correct note to start on.

I mean, everyone was really nice... but there's really only one song in the show I like and I feel like I have other stuff I want to do. I WILL go, I will try my best... because as much as I don't care, I still want to do a show. But still. The timing is all wrong... I wish this would have happened wirh YAGMCB.

Ok, look, I am totally serious. I don't know why Jim broke up with me. People ask me why and all I can say is "because he's stupid." I really would like to know WHY. And I think it's just a LITTLE unfair that he said people can email him to talk about it (on his webpage)... but *I* can't email him, can I? All I want to know is WHY.

And, let me just say for the record, that not having talked to him at all in a week is depressing.

Work was stupid. I hate people.

I bought the CD of th 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee and it is really good. Once I find out I want a showtune, I HAVE to have it right then. I couldn't even wait for my sister to send it to me. I cry while listening to it.... but the music's really good. Too bad I'm not Asian...

I have an audition at 9:30. I don't even want to go. And I don't know why it is so late.

So, my mom was looking at apartments... in Huron. Let's all say this together now "IRONY." Why, WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY?!?!?! Now any time I go to visit my family I'll be reminded of the relationship that didn't work (for UNKNOWN REASONS) that began in Huron. Great. The future is so bright I gotta wear shades.

Clearly, I'm not doing so well today.

I want to punch things and run away and scream and cry... but mostly, GODDAMN IT, I want to see Jim. I am just SOOO miserable. I HATE THIS.

"The only people you need in your life are the ones who prove they need you in theirs." - courtesy of Kara's always inspirational AIM profile.

Whenever I have the heat on in my car it reminds me of Rocky Horror. And yes, I have had the heat on in my car for the last THREE days. It never got above 59 degrees today. Last night when i went out to my car... I could see my breath. You know why?? Because the universe is off balance. But Chris Martin from Coldplay just said that he'd try to fix me. So maybe he will.

I went in to the grocery store today to buy a pot pie and saw all the halloween decorations... and for the first time in my life they made me... really sad. I wasn't kidding... my birthday is ruined. My birthday could still be good... but I ALREADY know I'll be somewhat upset no matter how good it is. It's tough to look forward to something I know is going to make me sad.

Anyway, we filmed today on the Suite Life. It was fun. And really cold. I have been soooo tired all day, I'm going to go to bed really early tonight. I was there from 10-6. They also gave me a $25 extra bump. Woo hoo. I made like $147 today. I'm down to $1218 (after I get this check). I have a MG paycheck coming tomorrow (HOORAY!!!) and I haven't counted my suite life check from LAST week... so, I have...uh... maybe enough to pay a couple bills. Oh, God... I am still so scared about money. I'm so afraid I'm not going to make this goal, and even if I do, I'm afraid I still won't have enough somehow. Two weeks left...

"Touch Me" came on my mp3 player. The Susan Sarandon version.

I can probably do background again next week, which will be fun. I really like doing it. I make a LOT more money than I'd make at the restaurant, and I get TV experience, plus I get to hang out with Leona, and everyone loves her. However... today me and the other chefs were waiting in line for lunch and some wardrobe people were behind me... and this one girl left to go to the bathroom and then came back into the line and this wardrobe lady said "background people jumping in line... stupid props!" And, ok, I mean, I KNOW that's what we essentially ARE, but she was RIGHT BEHIND ME... it was like she wanted me to hear her. And I was so disgusted by this lady that I just walked out of line and left. I ended up having a bagel for lunch instead of... the catered whatever food.

Ok I am too tired to stay up any longer. I'll leave you with some more pathetic lyrics.

I've been thinking about you
So how can you sleep
These people aren't your friends
They're paid to kiss your feet
They don't know what I know
And why should you care
When I'm not there -Radiohead, "Thinking About You"

That last post was my 850th (on tripod). Neat.

This post was originally really stupid. It'll probably still be stupid, but I'm editing it.

I went up to the loft because I can use the rail as a ballet barre. When I was laying on the floor about to do situps I realized this is stupid and I don't want to be pathetic anymore. Yeah I'm sad, yeah I wish this didn't happen, and I'm sure I'll still BE sad... but I'm being a baby. I'm better than this. I had 5 days of being stupid and now it needs to stop. It's not the freaking end of the world.

Even if I have to stay in LA I'll be ok. It's still going to SUCK but I need to start moving on.

It's two weeks until my birthday.

I think you all know what I want, by now.

Jeez, I am THE MOST PATHETIC PERSON IN THE WORLD.

I finally bought speakers for my computer. They cost me less than $20. Why didn't I buy them before today? I can also use them with my mp3 player. woot.

I went out today to buy that stupid gate opener for my apartment... the valley is so freaking flooded. I ACTUALLY thought I was going to be swept away a couple of times.

Remind me never to go to the gas station at Cahuenga and Magnolia ever again. These people asked me to buy them so gas, I told them I was REALLY poor, but still bought them $10 worth of gas... and then ANOTHER guy asked me for gas. I was like... wtf is going on?

I sooo did not want to buy those people gas, either. The only reason I did was because I ACTUALLY thought to myself "Now what would Jesus do, Alisa?"

Well, in all reality, Jesus would probably have filled up their tank. Or maybe provided them with a car that didn't need gas... Or magical sandals or something.

There's this part of Burbank just west of the 5 that looks exactly like Cuyahoga Falls on Howe Rd. It kind of freaks me out.

I really like having speakers. I mostly like being able to listen to music.

I have to be at the Suite Life at 10am tomorrow. I'm a little scared because Leona won't be there until 11... and what if I forgot where it was? I really think I might have forgotten.

I still wonder why Paul Simon wanted people to called him "Al."

Haha, that reminds me. I was thinking about going by "Ali"... but I like my name. I like that name, too, but no one freaking gets my name right and I'm sick of it. Someone said recently that nothing reminded them more of hope and happiness more than the name "Alisa." I bet no one ever said that about the name... Molly. Or... Jacob. Yeah... I think my mom really got it right when she named me.

I had my first "jim dream" last night. I never really dreamt about him when we were actually together, so it was weird. He didn't really do much in it, though... but I guess it was nice to "see him." There were also these TINY kittens in the dream... and my parents were there... and I was singing in the mirror in the bathroom. I was talking about being "God's favorite, after the 7 boys of the original tribes of Israel." You know... somehow... I don't think that's actually true. And does that count as sacrilege? If so... sorry.

I miss Len. I really want to talk to him. I could email him but I'm just kind of hoping, by my expressing this thought in text, that he'll just KNOW to look at my website and get caught up on my life. The email I would send him would be so ridiculous that he would probably stop reading halfway through.


Yeah, this needs to stop.




On and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I’ll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I’ll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.

The gloominess rating outside is unparalleled. It's been raining since like 12pm last night. HARD, too. Thunder and lighting and everything. It's like it's not LA.

Hence the fact that I haven't done anything today. I am NOT gonna drive anywhere far in the first big rain of the season... people are going to be crazy.

However... I am really happy it's raining so hard. My car is going to be beautifully clean.

When I got up today the internet was down and I was on the phone with this schmo from SBC for, no joke, 40 minutes. He finally transferred me to someone else and the internet was back within ONE MINUTE. Freaking moron.

I actually got an audition from actor's access. I couldn't believe it. AND, when I told them I'd be unavailable tomorrow night (because of the Suite Life), they are trying to RESCHEDULE me..... WHAT?? I can't believe it. It's for "Closer Than Ever"... which is a CD I thought I left at home when I moved... but I just remembered it was in my room. So, I need to go learn that. In the car, since that's the only place I have a CD player. Well, this will give me incentive to take a shower and not mope around. Yay.

I'm so freaking dramatic. I don't like it.

I didn't do anything. In fact, I barely moved from this computer chair. I still need to do laundry, but I can do that any time.

I started talking to Chris Kateff and then I cried again. Brandon told me not to cry because "you're not cute when you cry" (which is SO TRUE), but I can't help it. I wish I wasn't so pathetic.

I made pancakes. They were perfect... which is amazing since I had no butter or nonstick spray.

Someone at work today made the comment that now I could date headshot guy. The funny thing is, I feel like I never want to date anyone ever again. Brandon Lee just called to tell me that I shouldn't move... but he also said if I DO move he'd have a reason to go to NYC. I love him. I almost cried on the phone because he said I was a prize. Awwww...

Anyway, I looked into trailers online from uhaul today... It would cost about $500 to go from here to New York. With gas and lodging and everything, the total move would be like... $1000. This is not something I have, but on the plus side, I would get to keep the stuff I bought out here and not have to worry about buying new stuff. I don't have a LOT of stuff, but I have more stuff than I can fit in my car.

I have to do laundry tonight. I'm probably also going to sneak into Archstone again to work out.

I was thinking about going to church tonight, but I ended up staying at work way too long. We were slow, I only made $30... but that's kind of more than I thought I would make. So, we're down to $1365. I'm not scheduled for tomorrow but I might call in to see if they need anyone after 5pm. I have a few things to do tomorrow... DEFINITELY register with central casting (although, now that I think about it... that's kind of a stupid idea. Oh well, if I want to do any MORE extra work, I'd still have to)...and uh... there was something else I needed to do, too. I can't remember now...

The Suite Life is AFTRA, and Leona said most soap operas are also AFTRA...and a lot of soap operas are taped in new york. Sooooo, what that means is that I could totally do enough out here to join AFTRA and then continue to work for them via soap operas and then join equity after a year. Ooooo....

WHY am I still optimistic? Nothing has gone right in the last year and here I am, still thinking everything will be fine.

It RAINED today. That is so unusual...

Dix huit, I want to follow that running schedule you had up, even though I don't want to run a marathon right now (Alison's training stories from the other night... err... turned me off long distance running for a while). I just won't up the mileage... ever. And they DID just finish the pedestrian road of the new orange line in the valley... maybe I could run there...

Ok, that's all for now... but based on the frequency of my posts the last couple of days, i'll probably update again later. Those of who never update on weekend... you suck. Start updating as much as me.

I was supposed to be drink runner at work but they put me on the floor (thank God... I wouldn't have made any money as a drink runner) and I made $60. It was a good tip-wise night, but I had a bad section, didn't come in until 6pm and was the first person cut. If I would have been taking tables all day I would have made a loooot of money. This week has kind of sucked tip-wise, though, since I only worked 2 day shifts and then today. The total is down to $1395, not including whatever I made at the Suite Life on Friday. I work tomorrow morning... but if it's anything like the last Sunday morning I worked, I'll stand around for 2 hours and then go home without having a table.

I need to pick up a LOT of shifts this week. I want to work every day. I can't sit at home... being alone and not doing anything is torture. I have too much time to think. I feel better NOW than I did earlier, but that's most likely because I had other things to worry about while I was working.

Somehow the thought popped into my head at work... if I don't move I will constantly be hoping Jim unstupefies and wants to get back together with me. I don't WANT to hope this if it's not going to happen, but I will unless there is... no way he could get back together with me. So, basically, if I don't move, I will be a pathetic piece of crap who is waiting around for something that will probably never happen. I know myself well enough to know what I'll do, and I WILL do that. So... SOMETHING has to change from the current situation.

You know what else I feel like? Here's a list:
1. That the most wonderful thing in the world would be sitting in a warm room in a warm bath with my mind wiped completely clean
2. That, or being able to sleep for the next few months
3. I'm growing my hair out, but I'm afraid, because of the style it's cut in, that it will grow into a mullet. This is a really serious concern.
4. That my apartment complex should provide gate openers for us rather than making us buy our own for $25. And THEN, the place they tell us to go to was closed from today ar 2 until Monday. And she didn't tell us until after 2!
5. That I am going to have THE WORST BIRTHDAY EVER.
6. Even if I do move, I don't really know what to do with my stuff... how to get it there, how I'M going to travel, what to do with my car (other than sell it... but WHERE am I going to sell it?)... there is just so much to figure out
7. What I am going to do with the freaking ONE-WAY plane ticket I bought just 3 days before this happened...?

(One would say the answer to number 7 and number 6 lie in the fact that I DO have a one-way plane ticket (it's one way because I was going to go to Disney World with Jim and his family the day after Christmas :( ). However, ok, let's say I sell my car here and fly back to Ohio for Christmas before moving to NY.... what about my stuff? It would be SO expensive to ship it from LA to NYC. And then I'd have to buy another plane ticket to get there, or have some saint come and drive me, but why would anyone want to do that? BUT---if I drive back to Ohio to sell my car there, then just ship stuff from OH to NY... how am I supposed to afford the gas? And I can't drive across the country by myself. And then I have a plane ticket that will probably never be refunded. GOD DAMNIT, JIM!!! Seriously, could you have picked a WORSE time to do this? NO. If you were gonna break up with me, why didn't you just STAY broken up with me last month instead of letting me sign a year lease and buy a freaking plane ticket?!?!?! AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! And if you could have waited the MONTH... couldn't you have just waited a few MORE months? Jeez.)

Clearly... I am pissed.

But I'm also sad. And worried. And nervous. And I wish I wasn't Alisa.... because despite how nice Alisa is, boys who are supposed to love her treat her like crap.

I was doing so well (emotionally) before... about 15 minutes ago. I don't know what happened. I don't know WHY I was relatively ok the last two days or why I'm suddenly not. I would give anything to have this not be real.

How awful... to be tortured by the one thing you can't get away from.. your own mind.

Oh God... I just got a really bad feeling that there is no way I am going to be able to make enough money as I need to this month. I think it's safe to say that this is one of the worst weeks of my life...

It's 2am... and we all know 2am posts are never good.

This blog is about to get a lot more interesting to those of you (myself included) who are addicted to... The Break-Up Blog.

Let's start at the beginning. It was April 2004. I had just gotten back from over a week in CA on spring break. Things were awesome between us.... spring break was one of my favorite trips out here. And then... something changed. After that day, save two really nice visits in May and when he came home in July.... nothing was ever the same. I still have no idea what caused him to do a complete 180... and apparently I'll never know.

It's not like Jim was ever a really emotional person. I don't think he lets himself get too close to people. But from that day on be became so much more distant... At first I thought it was just one of his moods, then I thought it was a stage, THEN I thought my moving here would help things and finally I just started thinking/hoping that, since the BAD change was so abrupt, he could go back to normal. I know he's CAPABLE of being a human being who cares about people--he was sooooo sweet before--so it's not like this wish was totally off-base. It just never happened.

HOWEVER---do not be fooled by his blog and his twisting of words. We did not "break up"... oh no, he DUMPED me. He sat there with a blank look on his face for hours while I sat there crying and trying to figure out what happened. I have never felt more abandoned in my life.

I admit that I was ridiculous that evening. I cried so much, I made myself look so stupid, and he stood there stone-faced. It seemed to take all the will in him when he patted me on the back. I was so mad at myself for... well, I guess I'm STILL mad at myself. I went over there just to talk about something. I almost left at the beginning of the conversation because he was being such a jerk.. he was not in a conversational mood and I didn't want to deal with that. What happened took me completely by surprise... I didn't even know WHAT happened and had to ask "Do you just not want to see me for a few days or are you breaking up with me???" I wish I could translate with text alone his response to that. Those of you lucky enough to have heard my imitation know how cruel he was.

When I left it was 3:30. I called Alison. We talked until after 5am. His mom called me the next day, and then Christy called. I talked to Kellee about it later in the day and then Leona. Today I talked to Dan... each one of these people told me I'd be better off without him. That I don't deserve to be in a relationship with someone who treats me the way he treated me, who can't even see how great I am... and I mean, I agree with them. In fact, even JIM agrees with them as he kind of said the same thing. But do you think that it makes this any better? Not at all. And I guess what I finally realized is that I don't want to be with mean, weird Jim... I want to be with NORMAL Jim. I want to be with the Jim who has feelings and cares about human beings and for ONCE makes me a priority in his life. I know he exists... I just don't know what happened to him.

Jim was saying this week that who he is now is who he wants to stay... because he's now a "better person." Can anyone else see the absurdity in this statement? How can someone so full of neglect and void of feelings be a BETTER person than the one who I thanked God for daily? How can THAT GUY be BETTER than the one who made me happy every second of every day... even though I never got to see him? How is that POSSIBLE? It's not even like he's transferred his former coolness to another outlet---it's just GONE.

You know, I feel bad writing all of this... but I'd do it eventually, so it might as well be now.

There are so many things that make me furious... but I think that what makes me the most mad is that last month, when we agreed to work on all that stuff... I actually DID IT. I was really starting to get to know his friends and I've been working sooo hard this month to make enough money... all he really had to do was try to talk to me... and he said that he can't. Not only did he not even give it as much time as we agreed on but he also just totally gave up. He freaking GAVE UP on a 2+ year relationship, on a girl who moved from Ohio to be with him (who is SO COOL!) because he didn't want to TRY. Now I understand that when you don't have to work at anything in your life because it all comes so easily, it's hard to remember that interpersonal relationships are different. When there are people involved, it's not like school. You CAN'T just show up, play Snood on your laptop and expect everything to still be ok. Life will never be that way. You HAVE to try when it's more than just you who matters. I don't think he'll ever understand that, though.

I really feel like if he can't be in a relationship with ME (and I the THE easiest person to be in a relationship with), than there is absolutely no hope for him. No one else would put up with what I put up with. And no one else is as freaking AWESOME as I am.

So... here I am. Confused, scared, dead inside.... but still so, so hurt. It's not just the relationship I miss... it's not even just normal Jim that I miss.. I miss the complete Jim. I just don't understand how you can love someone so much and fight for them for so long... and have it kicked in your face. Again. I feel so betrayed by my heart. If it was really so wrong, and I'M the blind one, how could I feel SO differently?

It just sucks, you know? I would have stayed with him forever... not because I settled or because I was comfortable... but because I know what he's capable of and it is so much, in so many different ways. He's an amazing guy... I just wish he could show that ever again.




I'm thinking pretty seriously about moving. I have a lot to do. NYC is the obvious choice since everyone I know lives there.... and it's kind of the center of what I want to do with my life. Christy also suggested working for Disney World in Orlando.... so that's an option too. I'm NOT going to bail on Dustin (and I don't want to lose my security deposit) so we gotta figure this out before anything else can happen. If I moved to NYC I'd be able to sell my car, though, which would help all financial matters a ton.




Everyone thinks I should be so excited about the prospects in my life... I have a "clean slate" and "anything is possible." I still feel dead, though. Really. It's just so unreal.



(not that I imagine anyone's buying me anything for my birthday (which is now... ruined), but I guess this makes it pretty clear not to buy anything geographically limited (like a membership at the 24 hour fitness in sherman oaks or the dance studio card... just so you know)

The Suite Life was fun today. It was so... not like I expected. I don't know WHAT I expected, but it was very theatrical. It was just the dress rehearsal today, we tape next week. Hopefully I'll be able to keep doing the extra stuff for a while...

I went to bed so early last night... like 10:50.

Trapped in the Closet chapter 6 debuted this week. I can't WAIT to see it. Leona and I are positively giddy about it.

Yesterday after I worked out I went to Kellee's to hang out for a while and play with Chloe. Tonight I'm going to see some band from Kent play out here with Leona and Kevin. Their apartment is really cute... especially the couches.

I'm pretty pissed off right now. I'm sure you can guess why. Or maybe not...

Oh yeah, even though I'm at Leona's right now, internet is FINALLY on at my apartment! I am really really happy.

I'll write more later...

Ever feel like you're just... dead? Like there isn't any sadness or happiness left in the world... like you're just completely dead inside? No feelings... adjectives don't really work anymore to describe things... You're just dead.

Yeah... me too.

I'm online from the "business center" at Archstone. Kellee's been coming back here every day to work out... we figure, since they were so crappy with us, we might as well be able to use the stuff a little longer. MY internet won't be working until like the 20th, according to SBC. I'll have dial-up... but that's so dial up. It's funny though... every time I came here before now I had to wait for a computer... now it's just smooth sailing to get on...

So, I have a lot of things to decide in a really short amount of time and I'm pretty scared. I don't want to just WAIT and see what happens, but I also don't want to jump into something and be trapped. I'm in a pretty sticky situation...

And no, I'm not going to elaborate right now. Maybe later...

Tomorrow is Suite Life. I'll definitely need to get some rest before that, especially because I slept very little last night. I originally had Amir picking up my shift at the MG, but now he's sick, so I'm pretty sure I'm just gonna have to call off... which sucks since it'll be the second time this week (because of my car). However, it's a no brain decision, as I'll be making MUCH more money and I could conceivably put it on my resume, even though it's just an extra role. I know you're not supposed to put them on film/TV resumes, but I think theatre might be different.

PS - if there is anyone out there who was going to buy me a birthday present... DO NOT buy me a gift card from Ralph's. Just in case. Not that I really even care anymore, but I do want to make sure no one wastes their money.

Anne Gilmore and Christy Reynolds are really, really awesome ladies and I'm glad I know them.

I realized one day that I sound really stupid when I talk about myself... but oh well. I'm a really cool girl. I'm really smart and clever, I'm SO easy to get along with, I work hard, I'm funny and friendly, I care deeply about my friends and family, I don't give up, and you will never find someone with eyes like mine. Sorry, but it's true. I hope you remember that, my friend. If you don't remember anything else in your life, remember that you are the one who gave up.

And no one likes a quitter.

Well, here I am. I have just had so many thing going on in the last two days... or, uh.... right.

Ok, so I got my car back. It works. After that I went home and took a nap (?) until my sister woke me up at 2pm, then I decided to take an adventure. To... THE METRO RAIL!!!!!

Oh man. Ok, this is not exciting to normal people, but it was soooo great for me. I walked down to the station in NoHo. As I was about to buy a ticket some lady just gave hers to me, so I didn't even have to pay! Not that anyone would have noticed if I just got on the train--unlike NYC, there are no ticket takers, turnstiles, no anything to prove you bought a ticket. I suppose someone probably comes by once in a while to check... but probably not often. Anyway, I rode all the way to Wilshire/Vermont then got off to go to Wilshire/Western, called Jim ("Guess what I just did??" "What?" "Rode the METRO!!!!"), then, after realizing I really had nothing to do, got back on, and went home. It was so fun. I was like... giddy. And the ride is SO SMOOTH!!! There was also no one on the train... which i don't understand because it's so much fun. I'd take it everywhere, if I could. Perhaps that's why no one takes it... because it doesn't GO anywhere...

Anyway, I went home, went to the store and bought the smallest package of frozen broccoli I could find and some mac and cheese. I had to eat ALL the food since I don't have a refrigerator, and then felt... kind of sick... so I took ANOTHER nap (until 9pm) and then read until 2am when I went to bed.

I went to work this morning, which was fine... I made $15. Wooo. :/ After that I got a library card and drove around Burbank for a while. After realizing I couldn't find anywhere to park in Burbank, I went home, and continued to read. Now I'm at Jim's for a little while.. and I work tomorrow morning.

I also got a call from leona today... she got me the "role" of a featured extra on the Suite Life. I'll get to play a chef! I'm pretty excited... she said I'd make like $300, which is definitely more than I'd make at the MG. I'll be there Friday and Tuesday for sure, maybe Monday.

So, those are the totally boring and uninteresting things that happened during the last two days. I'm calling SBC tomorrow about the internet (They BETTER get it working... by... tomorrow), so maybe my life will improve slightly once I have that in my apartment.

Ok, nothing else to say right now... rrrraaarrrggghhh...

Well... sigh... I got my car towed into Pep Boys this morning. $524 to fix the fuel pump. :( You know it's never a good thing when you have to resort to asking your bankrupt parents for money. :(

But, they're amazing, and SOMEHOW (although I'm afraid they'll never turn on the heat in the house now) they helped me out and are sending money western union. I feel so, sooo bad. This is the worst timing ever. If only I wouldn't have gotten that plane ticket just an hour before. I still wouldn't have enough, but I'd be $100 closer. And if only it weren't in one of the two worst months for money (the month before the security deposit and the month after). I told them they better not get me anything for my birthday, because this is a huuuuuge sacrifice they're making, and I don't need anything.

I feel like a jerk. I mean, I know the CAR isn't my fault, but it is my fault (and the government's, of course, for not making the minimum wage higher) that I don't have any money. And it's (partially) my fault that THEY don't have any money, and they gave me money that they don't have! I'm a terrible person.

I've been bored all day. Jim dropped me off back at his house because at least here I'd be able to research bus routes, if it came to that. I felt bad for kitty and his thousands of fleas, so I gave him a bath... which was hard, and not exactly successful, because he never really went IN the sink, I just kept having to dump handfuls of water on him. The fleas are mostly still there... but I THINK I got some of the eggs. He's got bites all over his head and neck. Jimmy needs to get him to the vet. Luckily kitty doesn't seem to hate me since he's sitting with me... but me might only be using me for warmth to disguise the hatred.

I obviously had to call off work today, too, which is not good... although since it was Columbus Day, and the banks were closed, it was probably relatively slow so I likely didn't miss out on much. Tomorrow is Suite Life I THINK... Leona said they had people on the set today but no one ever called me to come in (which is good since I wouldn't have been able to get there)... but no one called me for TODAY either, so... I don't know what is going on.

It's so nice when everything is going fine... and then you go out to your car to go get some food... and your car won't start.

I SO did not need this. It was working when I drove here today. WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY must this happen to me!??!?!

I called AAA, they came out and the guy said he thinks it's the fuel pump. It makes sense since I KNOW it wasn't the battery---my radio turned on and everything. So, since nowhere is open today, I'll have to get it towed tomorrow. Jim's not even HERE anymore... he is at church. I guess I'll have to call off tomorrow unless they tell me, miraculously, that they can fix it within, like... an hour.

This sucks.

I ordered pizza since I HAVE to eat (and there is NO food here), which is going to cost a million dollars. Man... I was riding so high last night after making all that money... and now it's all gone. On a plane ticket (no matter how cheap it was, it's still $100) and however much it costs to get this fixed in my car. Why God, why? I will never be able to emerge from the red.

And my head hurts sooo bad from no caffeine... and not eating yet...

I just got a plane ticket home for Christmas for $104. WOW! That's the cheapest thing.... ever. And although I can't really afford that right now, I HAD to buy this ticket, otherwise I would end up spending at least $100 more. But yay, now all the plans are falling into place.... muhahahaha...


Ok, also, since it's 22 days until my birthday, I decided to make the Official Alisa's 23rd Birthday List of Desirables

(Is it wrong of me to wish I had a registry?)

Ok, here goes:

• Gift certificates (most importantly, IKEA, Best Buy, Target, RALPH'S (the grocery store) )
  
• Money (duh)
  
• The Killers "Hot Fuss" CD (in any of it's downloadable, burned or regular forms)
  
• The Second Amendment, Most Likely to Secede (apparently, according to advice from katie e, men's medium)
  
• A 30 day card to Studio A Dance or a membership at 24 hour fitness (area code 91601, club in Sherman Oaks) (I know... a gift where I have to pay every subsequent month? It's worth it!)
  
• U2 tickets? :) (I'm just throwing that out there... however, if there are any millionaires out there who want to buy me the $500 GA tickets for the Nov. 1 or 2nd show at the Staples... you know, by all means, go ahead. Same goes for Depeche Mode tickets. :) Johnny Depp, this means you. I know you read this.)
  
• I also like iPods (although I don't REALLY need one...), homemade (and unique) jewelry, Pandas, chocolate, cookies, a vacuum cleaner, Narnia, Harry Potter, the little mermaid, flowers (lilies), tickets to see a broadway show during March 18-25, and CHERRY COKE.

Birthday lists are always so fun. I used to put pictures on mine so my parents would know EXACTLY what I wanted. Alisa = spoiled brat.

There's a problem we have at the MG... a problem that occurs between 2-4 every day because we're usually so slow that they send all the cooks home. However, sometimes people still come in. And people wait and wait and wait... and get cold food. And I stand there, throwing my hands down and crying into the air "WHHHHYYYYYY?", then run away to fix it, while my customers stare at me. This happened with a nice, British family yesterday. It also sucked because the hosts doubled seated me... across the room. Luckily the people liked ME, so they still tipped me $10 (Patrick comped everything), but I doubt they'll return. Not that *I* care particularly, but that's not really good business.

After that I went on my break and on my break I decided, whatever happens, I need to stay calm. I usually tend to freak out, and it never ends up good. So, I spent a great deal of energy staying calm. Even when they double sat me a party of 9 and a party of 4, before my first table's food was out. Even after that, when they continued to double seat me (which is only bad when you're busy) all the way up until 10:30. HOWEVER, I worked my butt off, and for that I was rewarded by making..... (drum roll)

Before tip out: $150!!!!!!!!!

I tipped out $30, so I still walked with $120!!!!! Can you believe that? I've never walked with $100 before. I was so happy. Happy and tired. I took 15 tables, so obviously the average tip was $10... awesome. I was pretty hopeful I'd make $100 halfway through my shift, but I was totally blown away by $150. I SHOULD make this much every night, but we're slow most of the time... but it finally happened. Yaaaaaaaayyyyy!!!!

So, now I have $1470 left to make this month.

In other news, my head hurts. Probably because I haven't eaten anything or had any caffeine yet today.

I hope Laura Bush teaches Harriet Miers to do eye makeup pretty soon. If *I* would have been chosen as the nominee, I wouldn't NEED any eye makeup advice.... not that I'm bitter.... or anything..

Ok, so I was thinking about it just now... if Harriet Miers doesn't get to be the next justice, I would HOPE that the president would finally consider all MY legal experience and nominate ME. Best. Decision. Ever.

I need to get going to work... Jim and I went to Johnnie's today. It's what we do. We also argued about Harry Potter because he doesn't think Voldemort is a good character and kept using the "this is where a degree in english separates us" line. I think he's stupid, so TAKE THAT, JIM! haHA!

Also, my birthday is on October 31st. Which is not today. TODAY, however, is Stevie P's birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HIM!!!

And remember, my birthday is in 23 days...

So, I wrote Kevin. This is the copy of the email I DIDN'T send, for obvious reasons (obvious when you read it). Eventually I just wrote the first paragraph and then said "Before I go off and start acting like a jerk can you tell me WHY you want **$10**/print? Thanks..." I might end up using some of my crappy, smart remarks... but jeez, I think I have every right to. I apparently never learned how to stand up for myself WITHOUT being a smart-ass. This is taking all of my self control.

When I came in to work tonight they put me on the floor instead of breaker, which was good.... until the end. I HAD to be off before I hit 5 hours or I'd violate, so I ended up staying illegally off the clock for half an hour finishing up. It sucked. But I made $70, which brings the total down to.... $1590. Right? Neat. I only had two CRAPPY tips, one $3 on $46 (the girl paid. It's always trouble when the girl pays for the guy.) and one $4 on... like $38 or something. I just counted those two as one when I thought about them.

I bought make up today. I had to. My lip gloss totally melted, I had NO mascara left at all, the eyeliner was all gone and my blush broke and was in a million pieces. I hate buying makeup because it's sooooo expensive, but I HAD to. I was about to start using stage makeup, which I just can't do.

I have eaten McDonald's approximately 5000 times this week. It's getting to be horrible. But without a refrigerator, what else are you supposed to do?? I'll probably die from high cholesterol in like... 5 minutes, I've eaten so much fast food this week.

:( The cat has fleas again... really, really bad fleas. I feel bad for him. Jim doesn't feel good right now which I ALSO feel bad for. I guess I should go home already so that I can stop feeling bad and getting bit by fleas.

When is someone going to convince Matthew Marie Smith to get on myspace? Or Kelly C? Or freaking Jenni or Lauren? We could reunite the old Sterling middle row gang. I'm not a good myspace promotor... I can't even get Jim to join.


EDIT: Oh, how could I forget?
A. This is hilarious
B. One of Erin's tables kept calling her "mickey" today when she said her last name was McCarthy. These people were like... 70 years old, too. I didn't know racism was still in against the Irish.

I had off today which was nice. I didn't do anything until late and slept till 1. Yaaaay.

Tonight Jim, Cameron and I went to see The Section Quartet perform all of radiohead's OK Computer. It was reeeeaaaaaaalllllyyyyyy great. I never really appreciated the MUSICAL aspect of the album before tonight. I always just thought of it as... you know... one of the best albums of all time. Now a new level has been added to that.

The internet should be hooked up at my place soon, which means good things and less boredom for me and updates that now always right before I leave Jim's for you.

I'm kind of scared right now. I had Jim's friend Kevin print out 8 of my headshots because I knew he had the capability to do this and because I didn't have $100 to spend to get them printed for real. I mean, I am quite aware of the fact that I can get 300 prints for $100, but since I don't HAVE $100... anyway. So, I told Kevin I'd pay him (also adding in that bit of info)... and I have all intentions of paying him (I was going to do it on Sunday but I forgot all my money when I went to Tribe), but today I got an email saying he'd like $10 PER PRINT. ARE YOU KIDDING ME HERE, KEVIN?? I mean, he's a nice guy and all, but if I had $80 I'd presumably be able to afford the $20 more needed to get 300. I was thinking, like... $25. And that was way, WAY more than I thought 8 headshots were worth. I am dumbfounded. I mean, I said in the original email that I needed the help since I was so poor... I just don't get it. So, Jim's all "talk to him about it" (and didn't seem to want to hear ANY of my scared venting), but I really have no idea what I'm supposed to say to him. "Uh, hi. That's completely unreasonable. Even $5/print is unreasonable but I'll think about it." I don't want to seem rude, and I don't want this to cause any problems... but jeez. I mean, really? They're freaking printed off a photo printer. Maybe it's a really nice photo printer, but sill. Jeez. So, I don't know what to do, or what to say, and you if would like to give me some advice, since my boyfriend will not, please feel free.

Tomorrow I'm breaker at work. This will only be good when i get my NEXT paycheck. Oh yeah, I forgot that the total for how much I need to make this month is now down to $1640, thanks to my last paycheck on Wednesday.

There were all these ants crawling over the old, leftover food jim had laying on the ground (go figure) and he sprayed Raid and I think kitty and i are about to pass out from the fumes.

Awesome

I called K-ROQ today to try to convince them to give me tickets to see the Killers tonight. They didn't. At first I was... not as happy as I could have been. But since I got to see all the all string version of ok computer, everything worked out a-okay.

Man, i didn't even know what DAY it was just now. I feel like I've been at work... always.

My $2000 goal is no closer today than it was yesterday. Well, that's not true. It's $30 closer. I'm down to needing $1820 left. Ugh. This is not looking good.

We had "Dine for America" (100% of the profits going to the red cross) today. It didn't make a difference, we were still slow. I hate that I'm making good tips but still have no money because no one is coming to eat there. People are quitting left and right.

Wow, it's been a WEIRD DAY in the celebrity world. A weird, horrible, stupid day.


I think I'm allergic to the santa ana winds. I've been sneezing like a mofo ("How exactly does a mofo sneeze, alisa?") for the last couple of days. It sucks.

One of my managers let me have free dessert today. I will love him forever for that.

Yesterday I REALLY thought I was going to meet the Killers. I mean, I don't know why, but I really believed I was going to meet them somehow during the day. When midnight came and I hadn't met them yet, I was really pretty upset.

I finished re-reading Harry Potter 4 today... I cried and gasped and screamed just like the first time. I also am now 1000000% sure about my theory about Harry, and am another 10000% sure that Snape and Dumbledore did the unbreakable vow (or whatever it was) and that Snape isn't really evil. It's so hard to talk about that without revealing too much. I know most people have read all 6 books (at least the people who care) but just in case someone who hasn't is reading my blog, I want to be careful.

I have off tomorrow. yaaaaaay. It's my only day off from the MG until Monday, when I do the suite life. Uh... yay? I mean, that should be fun. It'll definitely be less horrible. PLUS, you know, uh... I'll get to be on TV sometime, and that's always funny.

I decided today in the car that I should be a rock star. There aren't enough female ROCK stars. Mostly just female pop singers. I think that one can lead a band, sing rock and not scream. And somehow, without writing any music of my own (because, as my sister knows VERY WELL, I can't write music to save my life), I am going to make this happen.

Hahaha, Matthew Marie Smith, you will be the death of me

Uh.... only $1870 left to make this month...

I bought a microwave today. I also bought a trash can, sponges, a full length mirror, a dish rack, a tea pot (I may be the only person who uses tea pots on earth... even really crappy, ikea tea pots), a frying pan and paper towels. As I have no money this was... hard. However, I mean, I can take the microwave with me forever when I move, so it's a pretty good investment.

I had this dream my dad died... but they saved his brain and transplanted it into this other guy (who was, incidentally, black)... but it didn't really work right and it was... not the best dream. It's a dream I WOULDN'T like to keep alive.

Gosh, wow, did nothing really happen in the last day? TODAY seemed like it was really long...

Since we don't have a refrigerator yet, I went to the store and bought one chicken pot pie and a bottle of coke for $3.33. I couldn't believe how cheap that pot pie was... 5 for $10 with the ralph's card! I just couldn't buy 5 since they'd go bad.

Tomorrow I'm gonna find the library. I can't wait.

A couple of people have mentioned in comments that I'm in the "top 100"... but I don't know WHAT this top 100 is, or where to find it. Help me out here, yous.

Please forgive my post from last night and it's excessive use of the word "so."

Ok, I swear, I had more to say. Uh... OH RIGHT.

As you all know, yesterday was October 1st. This in itself isn't that... amazing... however, this means that it is now MY BIRTHDAY MONTH. Since my birthday is on the last day of the month, I get the WHOLE MONTH to celebrate. I keep telling Jim he can do the same thing, since he's the 31st of December... but he won't. Whatev. But *I* do. :) So, happy Alisa's Birthday Month, everyone. I'm getting all giddy about the fact that my birthday is in 29 days.

I have to make at LEAST $2000 this month. I know this is going to be hard, but I HAVE to do it. Like, there is no choice. If I make less, I don't get to eat during November. Only $1900 to go.... :/

I had a dream that some eye doctorish place was going to be selling boxes of contacts for $5. God, I wish that was true. I'm on my last pair and the left one ALREADY has a piece missing from it. If anyone wants to buy me laser surgery for my birthday.... haha... I'd be all about it.

I saw this thing on AOL... "Hurricanes Not God's Wrath, Most Say in Poll." I laughed. I also laughed when my sister said people who work at her Wal-mart were saying that they were punishment on New Orleans (or Disney) for their wild activity (or gay days, or whatever). And I was like "It seems to me that it's more of a punishment on the red states in general. Maybe God is punishing republicans." I am allowed to say this based on my freedom of speech and the fact that if someone can say that a hurricane is punishment for being gay, I can say it's punishment for being republican.

I don't understand why Los Angeles was colonized in the first place. It's a terrible place to live. The mountains burn in the summer/fall and turn into mudslides in the winter/spring. Every year. It's safer to breathe the fumes out of a hybrid car than to breathe the air around you in LA. Everyone has been getting all antsy about The Big One... but there are natural disasters happening all over LA, all the time. The smoke was so thick from the fires the other day that there was ash in SILVER LAKE. It smelled like a bonfire all over the city.

Well hello there. I still don't have internets at my apartment (gosh, I hope that changes soon), so I'm updating at Jim's before I leave. Tonight was pretty fun. We went to this "drum circle" (which was 90% tribe people) at MacArthur Park (yes, THAT MacArthur Park)... which was... fine... but cold. You know how I feel about drums. And, if you don't, I don't like them. Anyway, after that we went to this place, Bergan's, to hang out. I talked. Woo for me.

I worked this morning and made a cool $20. Haha. Last night at work I closed and it was HORRIBLE. We were there until 1am because people lied about their side work and we had to redo it. I was so tired. We were all in an hour of OT, which is good... but was it WORTH it? Not really.

So, on Thursday when Dustin and I signed our lease, we commented on the fact that we have a pretty view from our apartment patio of the mountains. Last night, when I finally got home from work, the pretty view of the mountains was on fire. It was so... weird.

I totally didn't eat almost anything for two days (2 biscotti cookies, 2 little pieces of pizza and a little bit of leftover food in TWO DAYS). I was sooo happy to eat today.

Jim and roommates got the apartment in Korea Town. I am SOOOOO jealous. It's such a cool neighborhood and it looks like NYC. If I can't live in NYC right now, I'd want to live in a place that looks like it (hence the reason I go to Johnnie's NY pizza so often), and now he does and I'm jealous.

I'm tired, so more tomorrow....