Well.. tonight was horrible.

It's funny... because as many wise people have said, if you REALLY want to keep things completely secret, you don't write about them on the internet. Thanks to our friend Google, you can find everything...

including secret blogs that break your heart.

This is a copy of the post I found from one of Jim's "secret" blogs.

Have you ever been sitting there, and then your heart just stopped? I suppose it IS my fault for googling "mistersite", and really, I google everything and everyone I know, and I've been doing it for years, so *I'M* not surprised I finally found something that had the power to kill me.

So, there was the stunned "this can't be HIS"... then the "Oh God, it's his," then the heart stopping, then the heat in the chest, then the rapid heartbeat, and then I stood up, went upstairs and got my phone and called him really calmly, called a few other people a lot less calmly and left messages, and then he called me BACK and I asked him a couple of normal questions and then asked him why he's a liar. I begged him like a month ago to tell me if he was every going to do anything, because of THIS very reason... because I could NOT deal with finding out like THIS. Granted he ISN'T seeing anyone and thankfully the girl was smart enough to "shut him down", but seeing how quickly he was able to move on... I mean really, I just wanted to die. I actually sat in my room for a couple of minutes thinking "what can I POSSIBLY do right now?"

He and I ended up talking for like an hour, most of which was me crying and not understanding, and him saying typical Jim things like "i'm sorry" (with NO sympathy) and "i'm sorry you feel that way." He's still the only person I can REALLY open up to, with everyone else I feel the need to play Chandler and make jokes all the time. God, it was just... rough. And it's not like I expect him to be alone forever, but for him to be AS over everything as he is now is just unbearable. I KNOW he broke up with me... but I was still his longest relationship... I feel like that needs to mean SOMETHING to him... but it doesn't. At all.

I had been really good about not calling him, too. Even though I wanted to talk to him more than anything in the world, I didn't and I wasn't even planning on it, but it's not like I could have stopped myself this time. I HAD to confront him... there was no other choice in my mind.

I talked to Kellee afterward... she was just like "if you call him when you're crazy like this it will only justify him breaking up with you more." She's totally right. And it really made me feel like I shouldn't only just never call him, but really never mention him or maybe even try to pretend he doesn't exist. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm so pathetic or the fact that I'm so open about everything on here, but the latter two options don't seem realistic.

It's like any small amount of progress I may have made towards being better is all gone. I know he didn't even DO anything... it just hurts really, really bad. I guess what I really wish, since I obviously have no control over him, is that I could get to a point where I was ok with it.

I mean, pretending I was ok didn't work, so far TIME (and yes, I know it's only been two months) hasn't worked... what WILL work? MORE time? I feel like I could live forever and never be ok. How AM I supposed to deal with this? And what about when he DOES start dating someone else, not just being interested in dating people? How in the world am I going to be able to be aware of it and not be forced to forget everything that was good about us?

I know I have no claim on him anymore... I know it's not even my business... I just can't believe I am like THIS when he is fine.




When I got onto tripod to post this, I saw this really mean comment from some guy on the post below which made me even more sad. If this guy actually DOES "work with battered women" I feel really bad for the women he works with. (I also don't get how he said I was "entitled." Entitled to what? A bankrupt family and not enough money to buy food, let alone pay bills? really?)

Also, as much as I am a mess, Lave has it even worse. Her uncle Matt died today. Rest in peace. :(