I've started writing myself letters at night. Mostly inspirational letters... and I know I'm totally weird for doing it, and it's probably what keeps me awake all night, but it's been kind of helpful in sorting my "stuff" out.

For a long time, even after I decided I was moving, and even after I got back, I said I would take Jim back if he came back. I realized the other night... I wouldn't, now. I don't WANT to be with him again. This doesn't mean I am "over" things in any respect, nor do I no longer miss what we had. I just wouldn't take him back anymore. Not that I ever had the opportunity... but if it came, I don't think I would.

I've said before that he was my "Ross Gellar." The character of Ross was always my ideal boyfriend type. The biggest difference between Jim and the fictional Ross (besides that obvious one I just said), though, is that Ross... has a personality. Ross makes me laugh. Ross had emotions. Ross was himself and didn't need to change who he was for his friends, despite the fact that none of them cared about what he did for a living.

Unfortunately, since Ross isn't real, I'd never be able to find someone EXACTLY like him. I just think I could do a little bit better than previous attempts.

I've felt pretty comfortable writing on here because Jim doesn't read it anymore. I don't need to censor myself for any reason...

Jim is so "over" the relationship. He's as okay with everything as if we were never together. Unfortunately for ME, I am unable to throw away two years worth of memories, but he can. Accepting THAT, I think, is what pushed this decision on me. How long could a person hold on to THAT?

I have too much to give to hold on to a stupid dream about a complete moron who can't see things that are right in front of him. I'm SO much better than that. A lot of the time I'm angry at myself for not breaking up with him first. I held on for no other reason than love... Maybe I should have given up as easily as he did. I probably would have been able to finish college on time that way.

He wasn't a good boyfriend. He was mean all the time, he would yell for no reason, half the time I thought he was seriously insane, and he had practically NO respect for me or anything I did or said. I'm sure you're all sick of me repeating over and over all the things that are wrong with him... but you know what? So am I. And since I can't afford a therapist and am brave enough to make my blog my journal, you're gonna have to deal with it or just go away.

Whenever I get my phone fixed I'm gonna take him off my speed dial. Unless there's some kind of emergency (and I doubt there is an emergency big enough that I'd need to call someone across the country) I'm not going to call him again. I have NO REASON to anymore.

Sometimes I think the reason I'm so angry is because I really thought we'd get married someday. I couldn't picture my life without him in it. He took away my future.

The only good thing is that now I can make my OWN future. I have nothing holding me back. If I dig my own hole I have no one to blame it on but myself.

I look forward to the day when my posts are no longer.. like this. I don't like them, either. I'm working on it. Someday, I assure you (and myself), I will be better.

I think not wanting to be with him anymore is a pretty big step in the direction of "better."