Since I am cool and a "member" of Greenpeace (not a real member, because I can't give them money, but a supporter in spirit), I get these messages all the time that make me cry... but dear Lord, WHY would someone make this animated video about polar bears?? Give these bears some freaking cash!!!

ohhhhh yeah. U2 is most successful tour of the year. Is anyone really surprised? I think I should be held responsible for their success... I did, after all, attend one concert and talk about how much I WANTED to attend more concerts...

Jen and I stayed up watching infomercials until 5am again last night. It's stupid, but they are SO entertaining. Two of our favorites are the Gemagic (this lady put those freaking gems on EVERYTHING---candles, shower curtains, pillow cases, everything) and the Magic Bullet food processor. The best thing about the Magic Bullet is the character of Hazel who enters the scene because she heard someone say "muffins", is wearing a house dress and "smoking" a cigarette that isn't lit, but has a really long thing of ash hanging off the end. It is CLASSIC ACTING in that infomercial. My favorite part is the cynical neighbor guy who hates everything (including broccoli), but LOVES the vegetable juice they make. His reaction is priceless.

Last night there was a show on the travel channel that I didn't watch for obvious reasons.... "Walt Disney World Holidays." :( I really WANTED to watch it, but I knew that if I would have watched it, it would have made me sadder than I already was about seeing the title of the program. I'm not happy to be back in Ohio. I'm happy to have this "plan" so I can continue my life, and I'm happy that nothing here really reminds me of Jim because he was never here that often... but I miss LA soooo much. I miss my friends, I miss the weather and seeing interesting things everyday, I miss people (believe it or not, but there aren't a lot in ohio), I miss NOT feeling like a loser because of my geography... I miss everything. And I miss talking to that guy every day. There are so many things I want to say to him... NORMAL things about what's going on with me and stuff... but I can't. I won't let myself. It's too hard.

I remember this one episode of Friends... well... I'll just post that part of the script in here..

Richard: So Monica let me ask you a question. Y’know, since we broke up do you ever, think about me?
Monica: Uh yeah, I-I actually I thought about you a couple months ago.
Richard: Oh really?
Monica: Yeah but it was because I-I had an eye exam and I don’t like my new eye doctor.
Richard: Who is it?
Monica: Edward Nevski?
Richard: Yeah he’s no good. Do you ever (pause) think about me in a (pause) non-eye doctor way?
Monica: No.
Richard: Ahh.
Monica: But getting over you was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. And I never let myself think about you.

I hate to think that soon that's what I'm going to have to do. I'll move on from not letting myself talk to him to not letting myself think about him. I don't want to do that.

Everytime someone has said I was a strong person, I have rolled my eyes. A strong person wouldn't have let their first two boyfriends walk all over them and a strong person would NOT have had to move across the country to get over their last relationship. I am not strong. I'm a mess.

But I don't WANT to be... so maybe I'll be able to stop being a mess sometime.