Man, I am so awesome to be at home alone at 10pm on a Friday night.

Here's my series of lists:

Top 5 Songs of 2005
1. "Shiver" by Coldplay
2. "The Fly" by U2
3. Kelly Clarkson's entire "Breakaway" album
4. "Airbag" by Radiohead
5. "Mr. Brightside" by the Killers

Top 5 Best Movies I've Seen in 2005 (did not have to come out this year)
1. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
2. Legally Blonde
3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
4. Star Wars episode three
5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Top 5 "Funniest People Ever" of 2005
1. Ryan Totman
2. Brandon Lee
3. Erin McCarthy
4. Ed McBride
5. Joe Vilone
(honorable mention: Danny Gilmore... he would have been higher, but it's not like we ever got to hang out all that much)

Top 5 "That's the best thing I've ever seen in my life" Moments of 2005
1. The U2 concert
2. Ryan pouring that bottle of red wine all over himself
3. Pedro dancing with me in the kitchen
4. The view from level 8 of the Grove's parking structure
5. When JD flicked off that baby who was staring at us at work

Top 5 "Thank God I Met Them" People of the Year
1. Anderson Dantas
2. Erin McCarthy
3. Joe Vilone
4. Ed McBride
5. Pedro Ruiz
(Honorable mention goes to Steve Simpson and Cameron Church)

Top 5 Things I Miss Most About LA:
1. I
2. miss
3. everything
4. about
5. Los Angeles

Top 5 Ladies of the Year
1. Alison Show
2. Meredith Cordray
3. Anne Gilmore
4. Karen Beljan
5. Christy Reynolds


I was just reading every entry from this year to look for good/bad day lists... and although it's great to have this convenient log of my life, occasionally you come across something that just makes you want to die.

From Wednesday Feb. 2, 2005
Well, last night was weird... but it ended up ok. After about 2 hours of fighting, Jim called at like 11 and we got doughnuts. I like doughnuts. We agreed that neither of us like fighting and he finally said the ONE THING I needed him to say,
"I don't want to lose you.... ever." None of that "I am not opposed to staying with her for an indefinite amount of time" stuff. That made me happy.

Too bad he forgot about that.

I know, I know...

Colleen told me the other night, "everytime I meet someone who knows Jim Gilmore they refer to him as 'a douche bag.' Danielle, Finn..." And it's true, in the non-literal sense... and so WHY am I still like this? Probably because his birthday starts in an hour and a half and I'm sitting here, reminiscing about the last year, alone. BUT... the weirdest thing about this WHOLE situation is that, on the whole, I get over things REALLY fast. I give myself time limits for whatever is wrong, and I GET OVER THEM. The only time I fail to get over them... are when they aren't really over.

But he says it's over... his mom says it's over... *I* said it was over. Sooo... one of two things needs to happen. My heart needs to catch up with my head... or Jim needs to realize he's the stupidest person on earth for letting me go.



I know just because the year will change, nothing else will... but it still gives me some sort of release. I don't even know why. In 2006 I'm still going to be alone, boring and sad. I don't like thinking of years as "shifts"... "I can't wait for this year to be over,"--as if it would make a difference.

I just seem like I'm getting WORSE with each passing day, don't I?

The only good thing for me about the new year is that it will be a new DAY and each DAY brings me closer to school starting and actually getting to do something with myself. This semester I want to do really well in theatre history and maybe actually GO to my LER. I want to be the best jack's mom ever and I want to not put off finding an accompanist until the DAY of juries. I want to get cast in something GOOD this summer and, at some point this year, I want to play a good, appropriate role. I want to work out 5 days a week, running 20 miles a week. I want to take a ceramics class this year. I somehow want to have the time to take sign language AND the philosophy classes for my final LERs. I want to get baptized. I want to find a non-crazy church.

I want to finally be happy again.



I'm closing tomorrow night at work so I probably won't update again until this phenomenal "new year" starts.

If Jimmy ever reads this post, I hope you had a really nice birthday and I'm really very sorry that I couldn't tell you that in person. I don't regret moving to LA for you. I regret leaving.

Happy New Year, everyone.

WHAT!?!?!?!?

I hate this place.

Minimum wage laws for tipped employees... Someone remind me to move to Washington.

OR, better yet, get a different job.

Thanks to the person who clarified why the Christians didn't take the Jewish holidays. It does make sense...

Work was just... not good... tonight. Everyone came in at 3 and I was there until 11. I made $100, which is good, but man, I am beat. We were SO CRAZY BUSY, and I had 3 parties of 10 with this other girl, but I did most to all of the work. I'm not a jerk, though, so I still gave her %50 of the tip. I also got a LOT of really bad tips (we're SO busy because everyone is using their gift cards... including the poor people who ONLY have the gift card money, so they tip practically nothing). I was sooo mad because I had this girl I went to high school with (Vicki) at one of my tables (and her husband and BABY) and they tipped me a DOLLAR on $30. I kept thinking they'd probably tip decently because how embarrassing to tip someone you KNOW badly... but apparently I was wrong. And I was just like "a DOLLAR?... WHAT????"

Oh well... at least I don't have a BABY. Yuck.

I STILL am waiting on my MG checks. Looks like I'm going to be calling them AGAIN tomorrow...

I haven't eaten practically anything in the last two days. A couple bowls of cereal and 3 chicken strips from McDonald's. The fries were too salty to eat. Tomorrow I should eat. I would REALLY like to go to Rockne's, but I definitely don't want to go alone.

So, I was reading this old entertainment weekly from june with their "The Must List" and Coldplay was #58. I already loved Coldplay, but now I love them more because of of the following comments by Chris Martin:
"I think it's a good idea for a baby to arrive in the world with Sigur Ros playing"
and
"I think Radiohead are better than us. They've pushed themselves further. Them and U2 are tough to catch up with. But my mission is to beat those bands of out town. When the world ends in 200 years, it'd be nice to have it be 'Oh yeah, and the best band was Coldplay.'"

He's RIGHT about it all. And I think they are good enough to give my two favorite bands a run for their money. How awesome to have my fourth favorite band striving to be like my favorite three... it seems like nothing but good music is in store for my future.

I think I might do a couple of End of the Year Lists, a la PITNB. Perhaps tomorrow since I have off... and no life.

My contacts apparently fit "perfectly" according to my eye doctor. My new glasses should be in soon and then my contacts in like a week or so... before I got there today i was having a little bit of buyers remorse about my new frames. I couldn't remember exactly what they looked like. Once I saw them, though, I was relieved, because they aren't as thick as I remembered.

After that I went home for a couple of hours and then went to meet Leona and Kevin at Ray's in Kent (which, oddly enough, I have never been to and didn't even know how to get there). Adam Howard was there and after Leona and Kevin left we were eventually joined by Beth Powers (who I don't think hates me anymore) and Colleen. I had a lot of fun! I can't believe I stayed there as long as I did, but I had nice conversations with all three of them. Beth is getting married this summer and she seemed genuinely interested in my horrible life.

I was in the middle of this conversation with Colleen tonight when I just cried out "Oh NO! NOT THIS SONG!!!" It was Coldplay's "Green Eyes." It's never been released as a single or anything, I've never heard it on the radio, it was the only song they played for like an hour before or after... I just couldn't believe it. If Jim and I had "a song" that was it. He sang/played it on the guitar for me on a beach in Huron, which was one of the sweetest things anyone's ever done for me. I LOVE that song... but I definitely didn't want to hear it. And then i cried, which was just pathetic. Adam and Colleen were trying to drown it out by singing "Mockingbird" but I couldn't help hearing it. It was sad...

Anyway, I had a really nice time (besides when that song came on), and then I realized how late it was, so I went home. I work tomorrow night, Saturday night and Sunday morning (worst. shifts. ever.) but hopefully I'll make lots of money.

I think this is just cruel. Is there anyone out there who had a GOOD 2005? Mine was going relatively decently, but considering 1/4 of the year was spent REALLY sad, I don't think I would consider it a "good year."

They had me host for an hour at work and then go home. I was kind of happy because I reaaaaally felt like crap.

I was really afraid for a couple of minutes that my MP3 player was broken because it wouldn't turn on... luckily it's not. I would have been so upset if it was because I have a ton of music from Jim's computer that I wouldn't be able to get back, not to mention the fact that I love that thing and it would just be sad if it was broken.

Tomorrow I have a follow up eye appointment and then I may be hanging out with Leona in Kent. That would be great.

I went to bed at 11:30 last night. That hasn't happened since I was like... 9 years old. We were going to watch Elf, but we couldn't find it, which is really just good, because i was falling asleep when my mom was looking for it. I got up at 8am, which hasn't happened for years either, ran some errands, but I think I want to go back to bed until 1pm. I'm definitely SOME sort of sick. My throat still hurts and now my head hurts really, really bad. It feels like something is stuck in my head. I do NOT want to get worse and I definitely don't want to get all mucusy, because that is never fun, especially as a server. Too bad I only have vision insurance (I can't afford medical or dental). I look forward to the 17th of January when I am able to go to the health center for free again.

I am so torn right now.... if I am able to NOT work today, I am going to not want to so I can rest and maybe not get any worse... but I REALLY need the money. I mean, REALLY badly. Ugh... I'm going to have to work. This sucks.

Right now I am starting to wonder why I ever left school in the first place. Free health clinic, free rec center, I got to learn, I got to see my friends... oh RIGHT. Now I remember. Because I am stupid and left school for love. Well... at least no one can say I'm not a risk taker.

We've gotten through Day 1 of the Week of Despair. 6 more to go. No one mention Disney (I know there is some asshole out there who is going to reply with "Disney Disney Disney"... just watch).

I couldn't sleep last night and had to get up at 9 this morning for work. I think I'm getting sick (a lot of people at work are or were sick) and I'm just really... uncomfortable. I'm going to go to bed early tonight.

If you've never seen Post Secret before, I suggest taking a look. People send in postcards with secrets they've never told anyone for this big art project. My sister first told me about this... she got the book for Christmas. I was looking through it today and so many times I just started to cry...

"If I had a million dollars, I would give it all away for one more day with her like it used to be in the beginning."
"I still remember your birthday (I still love you...) And this is where I celebrated it this year. I picked up this postcard and wrote a cute greeting on it and your address. Then I remembered your new life without me and sent it to Post Secret instead."
"I feel trapped in a relationship with the greatest girl ever... because I'm still in love with a bitch."
"Everyday I type you little text messages. I tell you I love you. I miss you. Have a wonderful day. Please be careful.... But I don't send them. I know I'm not supposed to. But I hope that somehow... you know."
"I still pray for you every night... and probably always will."
"I'm still in love with her. I hope she reads this and recognizes my handwriting..... This is also my last try."

It made me feel a lot less crazy and alone.

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas. I slept in until 2:30. We weren't allowed to open presents until after dinner (which is just... crazy) at 6pm so most of the day was spent sitting around.

I got a couple DVDs and won $28 in the lottery. It was nice. Although I did WANT the few things I got, the whole time we were opening presents I just kept thinking about how I didn't NEED any of the stuff. My parents are really nice. They try to act like everything is normal and are trying so hard to make Christmas nice for us since it's the last we'll have in the house. They have ALWAYS put our happiness first... for someone who hates kids as much as my mom does, you'd never know it from the way she treats us. I don't think she's like a normal mom... but she has ALWAYS viewed us as adults and for THAT I couldn't be happier.

Sometimes I wonder how people learn to think when they didn't grow up in our family. I swear to God, Jen and I could do ANYTHING we wanted to do with our lives. My brother is a freaking genius and all three of us are ridiculously talented and funny. We are AWARE that there is only so much that you can do in northeast Ohio, and none of it is really that spectacular. As socially awkward as we all are, we are generally pretty memorable.

I am SO READY for this year to be over. It won't really make a difference, but there is no way 2006 could be WORSE, right? Well, I guess it could. And if it is, at least it will help me forget how unhappy I am... so at least one good thing could come out of it. But I really hope it isn't worse.

I emailed Jim to tell him Merry Christmas... you'd think he could mirror the sentiment back to me, but apparently he can't. Or he didn't want me to have a good Christmas. I also decided I didn't want to wish a happy birthday over the phone to someone who acted like they hated me so much every time he talked to me, so I just sent THAT email today, too. It is going to be so hard to not call him... but I CAN'T. If I can do THAT... it'll be a big step.

I need therapy.

I totally went to Midnight Mass with food in my hair from work. I am SO CLASSY.

Jen was playing her oboe at a Catholic church in Cleveland. As a non-Catholic, let me just say this: I am glad I'm not Catholic. UGH. The incense made me crazy, it was so long and so boring, I didn't know any of the mass "replies", I couldn't take communion... it was just a weird situation all around. It was kind of cool to go to church for the first time in my life on Christmas, though.

Work was ok tonight. We were only open until 8pm, and my tables got up EXACTLY when I needed them to to avoid getting sat the last table of the night. I made decent money... had we been open until 11, I would have made GREAT money since I was at $65 for only 4 hours. I was in a huge hurry to get out, though, because I needed to eat something and I didn't want my dad to leave for Cleveland without me.

I forgot to mention that I saw "Big Fish" the other night and I really liked it. I always wanted to see that movie... I also watched "Love Actually" again last night, because I love it.

I attempted MY annual Christmas Eve tradition this afternoon (calling Dix Huit at work and singing "All I Want for Christmas is You" in the style of one of my former managers), but I couldn't get ahold of her at Sterling, so I left the message on her phone. I also labeled it as "urgent"... because it WAS urgent.

As we all know, it's now Christmas AND the first day of my favorite 8-day'd holiday, Hanukkah! Hooray! Happy both of those!!

(I don't really understand why Christians didn't take the Jewish holidays with them at the beginning of the religion... I think they should have.)

Luckily for me and everyone who reads this, I THINK Christmas is the only day of the year that I have never spent with ANY of my boyfriends. I think I can be relatively happy today. Monday is going to suck, though... especially since I would have been on my way to Orlando in the morning. I think if it would have been ANYWHERE else in the world, I wouldn't be as sad about not being able to go on this trip... but since it's Disney World, and I am Alisa, and if you know ANYTHING about me you know I love Disney... it just sucks. I'll save the DESPAIR for next week, though. And you better believe there's gonna be loads of despair. :)

I was thinking about it lately and I really DO have "the world at [my] fingertips." I have no reason to NOT go do whatever I want to do... or date whoever I want to date, for that matter. Jeez, just think what would happen if I would have met Moises Alou NOW... we could be man and wife. ;)

(I don't actually want to date Moises Alou despite his undying love for me. I will not, however, rule out the possibility of OTHER professional baseball players... or Brandon Flowers. Or Adam from U2.)

I don't really want to date someone anytime soon, though. What I really, really want soooo badly is just a really good friend. Someone else who has nothing to do most of the time and who I could go to when I'm crazy. There's not really a lot of people who are HERE and I see very often that I can actually talk to. I would like that to change this next year.

I'm having this dilemma... Jim's birthday is next Saturday (the 31st) and I DON'T want to call him because I shouldn't... but it's his birthday and I don't want to be a jerk. I know he doesn't care about his birthday... but it's not like I could FORGET about it. I don't know whether or not I should call him to wish him a good day...

When we were dating I always used to sing the Beatles' "You're Gonna Lose That Girl" to him when he was neglecting me or being a jerk. Obviously I sang that song to him a lot.

Every day I move closer to being over him. I don't think about him as much anymore... and usually when I do it's in a bad way (ie, how the person he described that he wants to date IS me... and for some reason he is too stupid to figure that out).. but if I could have one wish for MYSELF, it would be to say to him "Jim, I'm going to be over you sooner than you think" and have it actually affect him in some way.

Knowing he doesn't care about me at all is what hurts the most. He hasn't cared about me for at LEAST a year now... I've just recently been able to accept it.

"Some days will be harder than others."

I wish I was there to see this

PS - I know I'm not a gay man... but really, does anyone LIKE Madonna's new song "Hung Up"? I think it is absolutely HORRIBLE and I really like Madonna. I KNOW she can dance, I KNOW she's hot... I don't need a ridiculously horrible song to reaffirm this to me.

I didn't want to work today because I really wanted to see Narnia (by myself)... but I did. I made $50, $15 of which were off these two really awesome kids who were like my age. I heart those guys.

A lot of the servers got ONE really good tip tonight. Todd got $25 off an older couple, Christine made $40 off a party of 4 (they all cried together because she couldn't afford presents for her daughter), Jacki got a $15 on a $30 or something... it was nice.

My new contacts are pretty awesome. They're also really huge. I feel like they take up my entire eye.

I was watching this show today on "the real family of Jesus" and it was interesting. I, personally, like to think that Jesus did have siblings (because it only makes sense) and that this is an OKAY thing. If he was All Man and All God, does it make any sense to make him less MAN? No. Go away.

Hmmm. I'm really tired. My arm/hand hurt really bad due to my amazing crafting skills from yesterday and it was hard to hold the trays at work.

I still haven't gotten my final 2 checks from the MG. God, wtf is their problem? How many more times am I going to have to call them and give them my address? I shouldn't be surprised though... they were pretty freaking stupid managers. It's been over a month and a half, though... come ON, guys.

I obviously have nothing to talk about anymore.

I had fun at the eye doctor today. (Who has FUN at the eye doctor?) We picked out some frames (i'm not totally sure I should have been taking the advice of this lady...but I did) and I got some contacts that DON'T have a piece missing from them and I'll be getting my complete glasses and contacts probably next week. My left eye got a little bit worse from last time, but it wasn't too horrible. I was actually surprised they weren't worse than before because I've felt like stuff has been blurry lately... but maybe that's because I wore my contacts for too long.

After that I was tired and watched some TV... then at 8 Jen and I went to Joanne fabrics, Barnes and Noble and then Chipotle in Fairlawn. Wooooo Chipotle. Boooo annoying people at Joanne Fabrics...

I really want to start creative writing again. I found my binder from my class in 11th grade and how complimentary Miss Burke was... I miss it. Maybe I'll do that sometime.

I work the next 3 nights which I'm sure will be just... great... and then sunday it's Christmas! I can't believe it. This year has really flown by... even though sometimes I wish it could go even faster...

My body is still really sore from work yesterday. I was kind of hoping they wouldn't need me this morning, but I was the first one cut (I was in the cafe), so it wasn't horrible.

After that I went home to an all-day marathon of I Love the 90s Part Deux. I love those "I love the..." shows. They're not getting old to me at ALL.

I can't believe the MTA strike in NYC. That's so crazy. Alison RAN to work today... and she lives in Staten Island!!! Ahhhh!

I am so, so sad that the Masterson boys (Hyde from that 70s show and the oldest brother on Malcom) are Scientologists. That's just... horrible.

There are times when I think I might be content with my life knowing that Jim gave everything he could into the relationship and that *I* just needed more from him and he realized that and THAT'S why he broke up with me. I don't know if that's true... but acknowledging the fact that it's possible makes me feel a little better. Not like I think anything is wrong with me (because, if you've read this longer than a day, you know I don't), but that there was just some sort of compatibility issue that could never be solved. I like that idea better than I like the idea that he's just a horrible jerk (which goes against most things I know about him).

I LOVE "Ok Computer." I know I've mentioned this a million times, but... man... you know... I think it might be my favorite album ever. It's just soooooo good. It makes me miss Alison a lot, which is weird, because I never saw her while listening to it, but once I drove to Bowling Green playing only Radiohead albums. I miss Huron, too. LUCKILY, I can miss a lot of parts of Huron without missing Jim. In some respects it'll be cool when my parents move there because it's the ONLY good part of Ohio (as far as I'm concerned), but in others it'll probably just make me sad.

So, if I don't get cast in something GOOD this summer (and I don't think I am going to any combined auditions, so this pretty much means Cain Park or Porthouse shows), I may spend the summer with Alison in NYC. It would be so fun and it would be so NICE to see her all the time, not to mention all my friends there (Chris Kateff, Dan, Lauren, Sarah, Erin, Nick... everyone else I know). I'm kind of secretly hoping I don't get cast in anything because of it (although I DO like both seasons, so I kind of want to be in one of the shows at the same time).

My mom made all the cookies today. Yay!

Tomorrow I am finally going to the EYE DOCTOR!!! I can't wait. I think I am getting new glasses, too, which would be great. Hooray for vision insurance.

Ok, seriously, I need to see Narnia. ASAP. Ben, if you're reading this, I might just have to go alone because I can't take it anymore. I can't believe it's taken me nearly two weeks to see my favorite thing EVER.

Next week is going to be really hard for me because I'll know I COULD be in Disney World, not to mention the fact that Jim's birthday is the 31st AND I have nothing to do on New Year's Eve, so I volunteered to close at work so at least I'm not alone... so... uh.... show... forgiveness. Please.

Oh my gosh. I am so tired. I was a lunch opener and closer, AND in the smoking section again (so it was the most work) and then, as I was walking out the door, my GM asked if I could work at night, too. I didn't WANT to, but I did, and now... it's hard to walk. I only had an hour break, so I was there almost the ENTIRE time the restaurant was open. Smoking wasn't really busy during lunch and I was in the cafe at night, so I didn't make as much money as I could have had I been somewhere else. We were really busy today. But... I suppose it IS less than a week until Christmas... God, I probably walked 12 miles today. That seems like more than the average person walked.

I hope I'm out early tomorrow... but I have a feeling I'm going to be lunch closer again. Boo.

It was soooo cold today.

I saw the new Once Upon a Mattress on ABC last night... man, it was only okay. I wasn't really that impressed with anything or anyone in it. In fact, it kind of made me hate the show, which is weird, because I really LIKE that show.

I wish I had a whirlpool... or even a bathtub that wasn't gross. That'd be really nice right now.

It seems like I have nothing to say today other than complaints, so I'm just gonna end this entry.

Today is the day I learned a lot from celebrity examples.

My main man Bono is one of Time's People of the Year. You know why? Because he is awesome.

I couldn't work AGAIN yesterday, but it was partly my fault. I had no idea that the traffic would be as bad as it was at that time of day yesterday... it took me 5 minutes just to be able to get to the light to turn into our parking lot. I was 7 minutes late for work and they had already given away my section. No one wanted to go home (they never do), so I just left and drove back home all day.

I REALLY want to see Narnia but no one can ever go when I can go and I can't go when they can go. I almost just decided to see it alone, but it's a movie I'd rather NOT see alone... so... I didn't.

Since I was still kind of down yesterday I watched the only movie I knew would help, Legally Blonde.

Did anyone see that spelling bee skit on SNL last night? God, that was funny. I also liked the Narnia rap. It was so well written!

I think I'm past my trauma from the other night, now... it's still kind of haunting me, though. Jim's mom had a good point... since he broke up with me and checked out of the relationship way before I did (who knows how long), he's had that much extra time to get past it. And now, as horrible as this is going to sound, I sort of hope he checked out a REALLY LONG time ago (like... a year), and that he is just now, after all this time, ready to start dating again. That still would suck though because it would be like I was dating someone who wasn't there. And now that I think about it, that's exactly what was going on.

I knew something was wrong when Nino grabbed me by the collar that one time at work and when I told Jim and was sobbing uncontrollably, he didn't do ANYTHING. He didn't even get out of his computer chair or TURN AROUND. All he said was "I'm sorry. You should get him fired." Meanwhile, all the GAY guys at work are threatening to beat him up... but my own boyfriend acted as though nothing had happened.

So... maybe I am right. Maybe he did check out a long time ago. I just wish I wouldn't have pushed him, then. I wish I would have KNOWN about this at the time so that I could concede the point and NOT be under the impression that everything was actually ok and he was just... dehydrated.

I still kind of think things could be fixed, even NOW, if we tried. It's like when you work out all the time. The more muscular and the stronger you are at the beginning, the easier it is to rebuild the muscles when you get out of shape for whatever reason. I think Ms. Petersen-Fitts would refer to that as "muscle memory." Jim and I had such an amazing base to build on... sure that horrible tornado came and destroyed the house but I think, if we both would have tried, it could have been rebuilt.

It just seems as though one of us lost his building supplies.

Anyway, I'm not mad at him... it SUCKS, but what could I possibly be mad at? He didn't really do anything. I'm sure the reason for my sadness is rooted in the fact that I had NO IDEA that things were as bad for him as they were. But I'm an optimist... and very naive... I never think things are as bad as they are.

Well.. tonight was horrible.

It's funny... because as many wise people have said, if you REALLY want to keep things completely secret, you don't write about them on the internet. Thanks to our friend Google, you can find everything...

including secret blogs that break your heart.

This is a copy of the post I found from one of Jim's "secret" blogs.

Have you ever been sitting there, and then your heart just stopped? I suppose it IS my fault for googling "mistersite", and really, I google everything and everyone I know, and I've been doing it for years, so *I'M* not surprised I finally found something that had the power to kill me.

So, there was the stunned "this can't be HIS"... then the "Oh God, it's his," then the heart stopping, then the heat in the chest, then the rapid heartbeat, and then I stood up, went upstairs and got my phone and called him really calmly, called a few other people a lot less calmly and left messages, and then he called me BACK and I asked him a couple of normal questions and then asked him why he's a liar. I begged him like a month ago to tell me if he was every going to do anything, because of THIS very reason... because I could NOT deal with finding out like THIS. Granted he ISN'T seeing anyone and thankfully the girl was smart enough to "shut him down", but seeing how quickly he was able to move on... I mean really, I just wanted to die. I actually sat in my room for a couple of minutes thinking "what can I POSSIBLY do right now?"

He and I ended up talking for like an hour, most of which was me crying and not understanding, and him saying typical Jim things like "i'm sorry" (with NO sympathy) and "i'm sorry you feel that way." He's still the only person I can REALLY open up to, with everyone else I feel the need to play Chandler and make jokes all the time. God, it was just... rough. And it's not like I expect him to be alone forever, but for him to be AS over everything as he is now is just unbearable. I KNOW he broke up with me... but I was still his longest relationship... I feel like that needs to mean SOMETHING to him... but it doesn't. At all.

I had been really good about not calling him, too. Even though I wanted to talk to him more than anything in the world, I didn't and I wasn't even planning on it, but it's not like I could have stopped myself this time. I HAD to confront him... there was no other choice in my mind.

I talked to Kellee afterward... she was just like "if you call him when you're crazy like this it will only justify him breaking up with you more." She's totally right. And it really made me feel like I shouldn't only just never call him, but really never mention him or maybe even try to pretend he doesn't exist. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm so pathetic or the fact that I'm so open about everything on here, but the latter two options don't seem realistic.

It's like any small amount of progress I may have made towards being better is all gone. I know he didn't even DO anything... it just hurts really, really bad. I guess what I really wish, since I obviously have no control over him, is that I could get to a point where I was ok with it.

I mean, pretending I was ok didn't work, so far TIME (and yes, I know it's only been two months) hasn't worked... what WILL work? MORE time? I feel like I could live forever and never be ok. How AM I supposed to deal with this? And what about when he DOES start dating someone else, not just being interested in dating people? How in the world am I going to be able to be aware of it and not be forced to forget everything that was good about us?

I know I have no claim on him anymore... I know it's not even my business... I just can't believe I am like THIS when he is fine.




When I got onto tripod to post this, I saw this really mean comment from some guy on the post below which made me even more sad. If this guy actually DOES "work with battered women" I feel really bad for the women he works with. (I also don't get how he said I was "entitled." Entitled to what? A bankrupt family and not enough money to buy food, let alone pay bills? really?)

Also, as much as I am a mess, Lave has it even worse. Her uncle Matt died today. Rest in peace. :(

I'm sad. First I called United to cancel my reservation for the flight from LAX to cleveland that I obviously will not be taking this weekend... and I get no refund. I have a $104 credit to my account, however, the next time I book a flight with them there will be a $100 surcharge... so really, I have a $4 credit. BOO. WHY, JIM???? Why couldn't you have done this before I bought this ticket which is making me lose $100!?!?!?!? Or, at least, why did you have to do it TWO DAYS LATER?? GOD. This sucks. I really could have used that money.

And, even more so, since Dustin never found someone to take over the lease for December, I'm out $700 because of Jim's ridiculously bad timing.

THANKS A LOT. Ugh.

Ok, and then I went to work... and I was one of 5 extra people they had... again. I kind of thought I was going to be, since I had such a late start time... but it doesn't make it any better. I could have used THAT money, too.

The only good thing is that Tara Hassel, this girl I went/will be going to school with (also our AD for ITW) wrote me because she needs someone to sublet for her roommate next semester so I might actually have a place to live. That'd be a lot easier than living alone. I hope this happens.

I wish I could get my $700 back, too.

On a completely different note, I never noticed until I got back here, but I never heard people in Los Angeles talking about their relatives, friends or significant others being in the army. I hear people mention this EVERY DAY in Ohio. I think it would be foolish to say that people in LA are less "patriotic" or whatever... but I do believe the fact that there's no tuition for residents and the labor laws they have out there have something to do with it.

My sister is thinking about joining the army band after she graduates.

I also heard someone say last night "There will never be a woman president in our lifetime." That infuriated me so much that I almost decided right then and there to make it a goal to run for president when I am old enough.

That'd be pretty hilarious. *I* would vote for me.

Ugh... I wish I had a normal sleeping schedule. Even when I manage to go to bed early one day, the next night I'm up until 5am again.

Yesterday was ok at work, except I was in the smoking section, which is also the section farthest away from dish, so i was really tired at the end of the night. I also hated being in my section, because I generally hate smokers, so that wasn't... good. In February summit county is going to completely smoke-free in all restaurants and bars and I can't WAIT. I'm really excited about that. It's a HUGE step for Ohio. I really loved not having to worry about that in california (you can't smoke anywhere in california) and it was hard to go back to it. Anyway, I made like $70, which is good.

Last night instead of watching infomercials, jen and I switched it up and watched videos from high school. It was awful. It was especially painful to watch Kiss Me Kate because it was not good at ALL, especially the Friday performance when my mom wouldn't let me speak before the show, so I never warmed up. I'd give an arm to do that over again so i could suck less at that role. Ugh. Pippin wasn't horrible, though... and we also watched Jen's senior band/choir concert where I freaked out when she won the john phillips sousa award. As I told my dad the other day, "That was the most exciting that that ever happened to me that didn't happen to me." That was also the day I found out I was going to Huron... that was sad.

I work tonight and tomorrow morning and pretty much the same schedule next week as I had this week. I'm working Christmas eve night, but we're only open until 8pm, so it's not a big deal. Jen is playing her oboe at a midnight mass that night, so maybe I'll actually get to go to church on Christmas.

I dunno... I don't have much to say lately...

You guys want to know the complete truth?

Pretty much everything I've said since I moved back here about how I'm doing was solely to make myself feel better and to make everyone else feel like I was doing ok.

I'm not.

I don't think Jim is horrible. I don't think his life is going to be useless, that he'll never achieve anything... the fact is, I think Jim is perfect. As absurd as that sounds. Who brings a bookshelf to Huron, where he was for less than two months and living in a "room" made with bedsheets? Only Jim. Who can do ANYTHING you need him to? Jim. Who is the ONLY person I know that can CHALLENGE me in a million different ways to be better? Jim.

It's ALWAYS Jim... there might as well be nothing else because he's it for me.

I have had to FORCE myself to look past everything I loved about him. Or to tell myself repeatedly that what I loved was bad. I said it so many times that I almost believed it. I... don't know why I snapped out of it tonight.

This was really unexpected for me to do this. And I know everyone will try to tell me I'm only thinking of the Jim from 2003-early '04... but I'm not. He was ALWAYS it for me. I wouldn't have moved to California if he weren't and I wouldn't have HAD to move back here to get over this. I didn't know it was possible to miss one person so much. And I can't BELIEVE he doesn't feel the same way....

Since I am cool and a "member" of Greenpeace (not a real member, because I can't give them money, but a supporter in spirit), I get these messages all the time that make me cry... but dear Lord, WHY would someone make this animated video about polar bears?? Give these bears some freaking cash!!!

ohhhhh yeah. U2 is most successful tour of the year. Is anyone really surprised? I think I should be held responsible for their success... I did, after all, attend one concert and talk about how much I WANTED to attend more concerts...

Jen and I stayed up watching infomercials until 5am again last night. It's stupid, but they are SO entertaining. Two of our favorites are the Gemagic (this lady put those freaking gems on EVERYTHING---candles, shower curtains, pillow cases, everything) and the Magic Bullet food processor. The best thing about the Magic Bullet is the character of Hazel who enters the scene because she heard someone say "muffins", is wearing a house dress and "smoking" a cigarette that isn't lit, but has a really long thing of ash hanging off the end. It is CLASSIC ACTING in that infomercial. My favorite part is the cynical neighbor guy who hates everything (including broccoli), but LOVES the vegetable juice they make. His reaction is priceless.

Last night there was a show on the travel channel that I didn't watch for obvious reasons.... "Walt Disney World Holidays." :( I really WANTED to watch it, but I knew that if I would have watched it, it would have made me sadder than I already was about seeing the title of the program. I'm not happy to be back in Ohio. I'm happy to have this "plan" so I can continue my life, and I'm happy that nothing here really reminds me of Jim because he was never here that often... but I miss LA soooo much. I miss my friends, I miss the weather and seeing interesting things everyday, I miss people (believe it or not, but there aren't a lot in ohio), I miss NOT feeling like a loser because of my geography... I miss everything. And I miss talking to that guy every day. There are so many things I want to say to him... NORMAL things about what's going on with me and stuff... but I can't. I won't let myself. It's too hard.

I remember this one episode of Friends... well... I'll just post that part of the script in here..

Richard: So Monica let me ask you a question. Y’know, since we broke up do you ever, think about me?
Monica: Uh yeah, I-I actually I thought about you a couple months ago.
Richard: Oh really?
Monica: Yeah but it was because I-I had an eye exam and I don’t like my new eye doctor.
Richard: Who is it?
Monica: Edward Nevski?
Richard: Yeah he’s no good. Do you ever (pause) think about me in a (pause) non-eye doctor way?
Monica: No.
Richard: Ahh.
Monica: But getting over you was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. And I never let myself think about you.

I hate to think that soon that's what I'm going to have to do. I'll move on from not letting myself talk to him to not letting myself think about him. I don't want to do that.

Everytime someone has said I was a strong person, I have rolled my eyes. A strong person wouldn't have let their first two boyfriends walk all over them and a strong person would NOT have had to move across the country to get over their last relationship. I am not strong. I'm a mess.

But I don't WANT to be... so maybe I'll be able to stop being a mess sometime.

Amazing Race finale spoiler

Yay Linz family!!! You did it! Ohio REPRESENT! Especially Megan Linz who looks like my friend (togo joe's roommate), Carrie---the coolest girl ever.

I want to be on the Amazing Race. Have I said that before? Yes... I think I have. In fact, I think I say that after every Amazing Race finale. It's still true. I definitely could win if the final challenge was putting together a puzzle map of the US every time... I'd be done in seconds.

I made these brownies and MAN are they good.

Ugh... I feel like I need a different job. Maybe they'll let me work at the box office or in the theatre office or something when I get back to school. Serving is SO not worth it in Ohio. It's really sad to think that I won't be getting my $50-$100 "bonus" each week. :( I'll be lucky to get a $10 paycheck.

Work isn't HORRIBLE... it's just not worth it. Especially at lunch. When the checks are only $20 there's only so much you can get.

Last night I was soooo tired that I went to bed at 1am. It was really nice because I got 9 hours of sleep and didn't have to wake up after noon. Haha.

Bo Bice's album comes out today. I'm listening to it on AOL music because AOL is suddenly so much cooler than it was in 1998. Anyway, it seems pretty good. As we all know, I love Bo, so I'd want people to buy it anyway, but it DOES sound good. I think he'll do absolutely fine... it's modern rock. Most people like modern rock.

On a similar (yet completely different) note, ever since I heard Carrie Underwood's single "Some Hearts" performed on the Ellen show a couple days ago, I loved it. It's ALSO really good... and I DON'T love Carrie, so that's saying a lot. I can't deny her singing abilities, because she's really good... but we all know who I voted 200+ times for (hint: it wasn't her). I really love that song, though. It's not country at all. I probably wouldn't like it if it was, because I HATE country music on principle.

I am looking forward to the Amazing Race finale tonight. God, please don't let the Weaver family morons win. Go Cincinnati team!

i miss los angeles!!!!!

I slept in waaaaaaay too late today and then I went to work... but they told me they had scheduled too many people, so I had to go home. I wish they would have CALLED me instead of letting me drive up there... oh well. I went home and watched Survivor with my family. I wanted Rafe to win, but he didn't so... oh well.

Nothing else really happened today. I think I've finally convinced my parents to get a real Christmas tree this year. I told them how it makes more sense to get a real one, since you can just dispose of it (rather than having to pack it away in the move), and I think the message actually got past the "alisa has no good ideas" block.

Ugh.... I just made the mistake of looking at the FHS profiles on myspace. I don't understand how someone's goal for 2006 could be to "get engaged." What a HORRIBLE goal. Yuck.

Today I got sad because I remembered that time I drove for 9 hours just to have lunch with Jim. It kinds of sums up a lot of our relationship, though... me doing a lot of work for very little pay off. Believe me, it was always worth it to me... but I always felt like *I* was the one changing stuff around, like I was making all the sacrifices. He was just very unwilling to make room for me. That's probably really bad. I'll never forget getting to see him after being away for so long, though.... those were always such happy times.

I wish I could work out. Anyone know if the YMCA is free? If so... maybe I'll go there. I just kind of NEED to work out and I can't keep waiting until January 17th when the rec center is free.

Oh, good. They changed my schedule at work, and now I work Friday night. It looks like I'm closing, which is FINE, I just hope since I have such a late in time that they actually let me serve then, unlike today.

Well, I just got back from the John Moauro/Griffin party. It was really fun! Their apartment is so nice (and Griffin said it was like $1200 for a 4 bedroom. That's how much our 2 bedroom was in North Hollywood...) John made a turkey and everyone brought lots of food, so it was a delicious time. I met a lot of the kids I hadn't met before, too, which was fun. I WAS having a good conversation with Jon Mazur, but he is completely ADD and kept leaving to get something, saying he'd be right back, never coming back and then apologizing a lot. I think Allison Nacht is really nice and I think we'll be good friends. She seems a LOT less flighty than a lot of people I know. :)

I work tomorrow night... ugh, oh noooooo... and I just got my schedule, I only work ONE night shift next week (Thursday) and have three days off. I hope I can switch some stuff around. The only GOOD thing is that I'm probably going to be closing lunches, but still... dinner is more expensive. Well, I guess next week IS finals week for KSU and Akron, I just hope it won't be like this EVERY week. At least I get scheduled. Last week a bunch of people only got scheduled like two days.

Wow. Look at this. This guys is surprisingly good. I don't know what else to say.

I think it's funny that people are trying to DENY the Christian allegory in Narnia. HOW CAN YOU????? It's completely, 100% obvious and REAL. I just watched this CNN clip about how Disney is marketing the Christian part to churches for the Passion audience money and the "hidden secularism" to everyone else for the family, fantasy movie money. That makes me kind of mad. I wouldn't go to see it on principle if it weren't my favorite thing ever. As it is, I have no choice. And I can't wait.

LOL!!!!!!

I made $20 off only three tables at work today... amazing!! After that I bought some donuts for the donut delight I will be bringing to that party tonight and went to Bath and Body works because we had all these coupons... I bought like 8 things for $40 (it was not my money).

My poor kitty... she's missing one of her teeth. One of the big, fang teeth (I don't know tooth names). She looks so weird.

I made $85 or so at work tonight. Most of my tables stayed FOREVER (one table stayed for about 3 hours). We were on such a long wait... I just can't understand how people can be so inconsiderate.

Trying to remember the OG menu is funny. Sometimes people will ask me a question and I honestly have no idea anymore, so I just make stuff up. I am SUCH a good server.

God, this week has been so unusual. I have felt really good and really horrible at the same time. I'm slowly becoming less and less mad at Jim. I'm quite FOND of him... and I think I felt bad for being mad (even though I SHOULD be mad)... it's really confusing. I miss him all the time. ALL the time...

Damnit. I just made myself cry... first time in weeks.

I am in SUCH a bad place financially. I can't pay ANY bills and it is getting to a really scary point.

I wish it was summer so I could run. I also can't wait until I have free access to the rec center at ksu so I can... run there.

I have been SOOOOO stressed over nothing. My whole body hurts all the time, but nothing is really going on. I've been having all this sleep trouble, but it doesn't make any sense.

So, everyone in Hollywood has broken up this year... I have something in common with the "It Girls". Well, besides the OBVIOUS thing I have in common with them...

anorexia.

Hahahahaha, just kidding. Clearly. For me, not them.

U2 is in Cleveland Saturday night. I wish *I* was going to be there.... (it's not too late to buy me tickets)



And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much

We all shine on...

I got my measurements done today. After that I stayed around Kent until the ensemble concert at 5:15. I talked to Griffin in the green room and then got caught back up with everyone's favorite girl, Jessica Beaudry (we did Fiddler and rocky horror 2 together). She is an awesome girl... and such pretty hair.

Anyway, the ensemble thing was good... I liked hearing the SITPWG and Bat Boy songs best. After the Bat Boy one I turned to EvB (who was sitting next to me) and said "I love Bat Boy. We should do Bat Boy next year. You can direct it!" he mumbled something in response but I didn't hear it. After the show I told Bryan how he should suggest it for the fall musical and he said it was already ON the consideration list, EvB HIMSELF had recommended it. WOOOHOOOO!!! God, I hope we do that show. That would be SO freaking awesome.

A lot of the soloist sounded really good. I was really impressed with Amber and Angeline and some freshman girl... Autumn? I think? I dunno. She sounded really good, though.

When the concert was over I went to ask TK if I could audition for SITPWG at Lakeland (the auditions interfere with rehearsal) and then we talked a little... she was like "I am so happy you're back. Alisa. Are you HAPPY with Jack's Mom?" and I was just like "Well, [TK], I'm not gonna lie to you. I was disappointed."
"Well of course you were!"
"I'm okay NOW and I'm excited... but it's not exactly the role I was auditioning for."
She went on to tell me that I can sing every role in the show, was considered for every role (hence calling me back for everything), but when it came down to it, I have a year left and she said I was the only one with the comic timing required for Jack's Mom. So... that's that. It was a pretty hilarious conversation, actually.

After that I went home and dad and I went to Jen's symphony concert, which was fine. Then we went to Wendy's and I got a baked potato.

I work the next three days which I am sure is just going to be... awesome. Saturday night John Moauro is having a formal party which I will be attending. I think I am going to wear my prom dress and bring tacos. It's a formal potluck. :)

So, today (dec. 8th) was the 25th anniversary of John Lennon's death. EVERY time I've ever read anything about it, I've cried. I wasn't even BORN for the shooting, let alone the Beatles, but I think it's one of the worst tragedies of the 20th century (obviously things like the Holocaust and making the a-bomb are in there, too). It's just so sad. That guy will never, ever be forgotten.

So, you know, Lave and I haven't really hung out that much in our lives. I really don't know if, had we met in REAL LIFE, we would be really close friends. I don't even know if we have compatible personalities or would have fun together, or if she would "get" my weirdness.... what's COOL is that Lave and I have compatible MINDS.

In all honesty, I don't know if there is anyone on this earth who knows more about the REAL me than Lave does. There is a certain amount of pretending that goes into every day life when you interact with people... but it doesn't always apply online. I mean, WHY would you have to pretend to be happy when you're not while online? Lavers has known what I've been thinking since we were 12. Not what I've been doing or saying... what I've actually been thinking. And I think that's pretty cool.

There's a lot of people who know what I'm thinking nowadays, since so many people read this... but I doubt anyone will know as long as Lave has.

I met up with my sister at the mall today. She was looking for Christmas cards. I told her to buy an Orlando Bloom calendar, tear out the pictures and write on them, "Merry Christmas! Love, Jen and Orlando" She isn't going to, though. Well, I mean, she bought regular cards so I don't THINK she is going to. They took the pet store out the mall.... I now have NO REASON to ever go to the mall again, because that was the ONLY reason to go. Seeing those poor animals who were treated so badly and "manufactured" at kitten and puppy factories... :( I think they should put an animal shelter in the mall. That would be SUCH a good idea... people always bought those animals for $300+ because they were so cute... well, this way they could SAVE the animals, spend a really small amount of money and it would still be acquired through guilt. And *I* could still go look at them and say "awwwwwww" a lot.

Of course, no animal shelter could ever afford the high cost of being in the mall... and i KNOW the city wouldn't pay their rent, so it's just a pipe dream. Jerks.

There's this awesome article in the Kent Stater about how much Ohio sucks, which you can read here. It's 100% true... because Ohio sucks in EVERY WAY except for the fact that Cedar Point is here. Especially our completely incompetent and stupid Governor Taft, who is the epitome of everything wrong in this world. I've never heard of someone having an approval rating of 13%. The people here who voted for that moron and THIS moron are such... morons.

Once again, I'll probably be investigated now. I just hate that Taft guy so much. He is SO BAD.

I watched part of the first episode of Commander and Chief last name and it ALSO made me mad. I can't believe they wouldn't just make a show about a woman being ELECTED president. WHY NOT?? I definitely hope that happens in my lifetime. I bet it'll be the best 8 years of my whole life. Especially if it's ME who is elected... hahaha.

Wow, I'm all full of opinions today. Good for me.

Work tonight kind of sucked a lot. I had a bunch of tables that stayed FOREVER and didn't even tip well in the first place. I don't care if you stay a while if you overtip or at LEAST tip 20%... but when you DON'T, and I'm just making my measly $2.15 an hour... I want to beat you up. Besides all those jerks, though, it was fine.

God, it is soooooo cold. Outside, in the house, just everywhere. I hate it.

I still haven't gotten my checks from the MG and I am starting to get really mad about it. They were supposed to send one of them 3 weeks ago. Grrr.

I was kind of sad today before work. Work made me forget about a lot of stuff, but it's really hard sometimes.... a lot of the time, actually. I've been pretty ok recently, but once in a while I just get REALLY sad. I miss LA. I miss having temperatures above freezing (so does my car), I miss Dustin and Pedro and Joe V, I miss being in the racial minority and I miss Jim Gilmore. Half the time I hate him and half the time I miss him like crazy. Currently... it's the latter.

But I won't call him.

My parents won $200 in the lottery last night. Sadly, they would have won $2700 had my mom just paid 50 cents more. Damn. You know what the best part is? Their numbers are "1776"---see? Liking musicals can (literally) pay off, sometimes.

I'm off the next two days. I definitely need to go to the ksu costume shop to get my measurements done, and I SHOULD get an eye exam and get my phone fixed... we'll see what ACTUALLY ends up happening.

I watched the Amazing Race tonight. It made me mad. The Weaver family is the epitome of what I loathe in this world... THEY are the type of people who give Christianity a bad name. Chip and Kim were Christians, but THEY never acted like horrible jerks. THEY never said they were being "persecuted" for their beliefs... the Weavers are just ASSHOLES.

Ugh, I'm so cold and so tense.

Oh, good. My dad went to visit the friendly lawyer today... I guess we have until January 19th to be out. That's good news. Christmas will certainly be better and maybe now I can like... save... money.

Chris Kateff, I have a link to you on my tripod blog (they are identical blogs)... but since it took so long for you to start reading, I just don't KNOW if I'll link you both places....

I had my first real day at the OG today. It was fine. I made $35 (after tip out AND eating), which isn't too bad when you consider that I had only 6 entrees that were NOT just soup and salad (out of like 18 guests). We were very steadily busy. Yay.

Yesterday I slept in until 2 and had rehearsal starting at 6:30. I wasn't there for too long, but it was fun. This show is musically very hard. And that is coming from someone who has been obsessed with it since she was 10 years old. I decided I want to base Jack's Mom off of Kitty from That 70's Show. Yes... I thought that was a wise choice...

I am so tired and have been so tired for what seems like days. I mean, that's obviously impossible, but I am REALLY tired. I like keeping busy. It makes me less crazy...

Maybe I'll update later...

Well, today was pretty fun. I had ITW rehearsal from 1-4. Let me just say, in case you were wondering, I LOOOOOVE Jessie Rubin. I don't think I've ever had more fun with a single person in my whole life. It is just ALWAYS fun with her. I think Brooke and I could be good friends, too... she seems really awesome.

Anyway, rehearsal was good. We sang stuff. John Moauro and I discussed how we actually look nothing alike, despite our casting. More fun tomorrow evening...

After that, I faxed something, then got Chipotle, then PRACTICED MY MUSIC (I know... that is SO UNLIKE ME) and then at 7 I went to Ben and Ernie's for their little get together. There weren't a ton of people I knew there (although EvB and Terry Burgler did show up), but I had a really nice time talking to Ben and Christine Williams... and once in a while Caleb, who was trying really hard to figure out who I was. They have the coolest dining room table EVER at their apartment. Ernie is really quite funny... I never got to know him really well when I was at Kent before, so I am now officially naming the remainder of the [school] year, The Year of Alisa and Ernie. Hopefully I'll get to see Narnia with Ben, too, because that would be really fun.

I was so angry when I was driving home because it was snowing and the roads were really bad... but it should NEVER be that way. This is OHIO for God's sake! It snows, like... 340 days a year. You would THINK they could have enough snow plow/salt people to be able to cover the area within 2 hours... and yet, they don't. Not even 43 was cleared, and that's a major road. WTF, I say! Those people are so lazy...

I hope, when I call the OG tomorrow, they tell me that I did get scheduled for this coming week. That'd be nice.

Oh, I also decided (despite the sheer absurdity of the following statement) that I am going to do my reading for Theatre History over break. I'm gonna try to get the syllabus from Dr. Bank before classes end so I can start early... It's just... I'm not gonna have a lot of reading time when I'm rehearsing this show and working MWFSAT. Plus, I don't want to FAIL because I DO want to graduate, and if I don't do this, knowing me, I'll probably end up dropping the class the day of the first test like I did the last time I "took" it. I need to be a good student again. And, apparently, being a good student means "doing the assignments" and "reading more than NONE of the plays."

Wow, I just got a HORRIBLE headache for a second. It made my vision go black for a couple of seconds and part of my head is numb. That's.... weird.

I've started writing myself letters at night. Mostly inspirational letters... and I know I'm totally weird for doing it, and it's probably what keeps me awake all night, but it's been kind of helpful in sorting my "stuff" out.

For a long time, even after I decided I was moving, and even after I got back, I said I would take Jim back if he came back. I realized the other night... I wouldn't, now. I don't WANT to be with him again. This doesn't mean I am "over" things in any respect, nor do I no longer miss what we had. I just wouldn't take him back anymore. Not that I ever had the opportunity... but if it came, I don't think I would.

I've said before that he was my "Ross Gellar." The character of Ross was always my ideal boyfriend type. The biggest difference between Jim and the fictional Ross (besides that obvious one I just said), though, is that Ross... has a personality. Ross makes me laugh. Ross had emotions. Ross was himself and didn't need to change who he was for his friends, despite the fact that none of them cared about what he did for a living.

Unfortunately, since Ross isn't real, I'd never be able to find someone EXACTLY like him. I just think I could do a little bit better than previous attempts.

I've felt pretty comfortable writing on here because Jim doesn't read it anymore. I don't need to censor myself for any reason...

Jim is so "over" the relationship. He's as okay with everything as if we were never together. Unfortunately for ME, I am unable to throw away two years worth of memories, but he can. Accepting THAT, I think, is what pushed this decision on me. How long could a person hold on to THAT?

I have too much to give to hold on to a stupid dream about a complete moron who can't see things that are right in front of him. I'm SO much better than that. A lot of the time I'm angry at myself for not breaking up with him first. I held on for no other reason than love... Maybe I should have given up as easily as he did. I probably would have been able to finish college on time that way.

He wasn't a good boyfriend. He was mean all the time, he would yell for no reason, half the time I thought he was seriously insane, and he had practically NO respect for me or anything I did or said. I'm sure you're all sick of me repeating over and over all the things that are wrong with him... but you know what? So am I. And since I can't afford a therapist and am brave enough to make my blog my journal, you're gonna have to deal with it or just go away.

Whenever I get my phone fixed I'm gonna take him off my speed dial. Unless there's some kind of emergency (and I doubt there is an emergency big enough that I'd need to call someone across the country) I'm not going to call him again. I have NO REASON to anymore.

Sometimes I think the reason I'm so angry is because I really thought we'd get married someday. I couldn't picture my life without him in it. He took away my future.

The only good thing is that now I can make my OWN future. I have nothing holding me back. If I dig my own hole I have no one to blame it on but myself.

I look forward to the day when my posts are no longer.. like this. I don't like them, either. I'm working on it. Someday, I assure you (and myself), I will be better.

I think not wanting to be with him anymore is a pretty big step in the direction of "better."

...and don't forget about Lave's survey, if you haven't taken it already.

Just enter #34049 into the "Take a Survey" box... no need to register. And it's for SCHOOL... for her MASTER'S DEGREE. DOOOOOO IIIIIITTTT!!!!!

It's TODAY, people.
"AIDS is not a bad person's disease, Rose, it's not God punishing people for their sins." -The Golden Girls


Another night of not being able to sleep until 5am and I was SO TIRED! Consequently, of course, I slept until 3. THREE. Ugh. It's like I'm trapped in a time warp or something...

I want to do something today... but it's 4 o'clock. I wish there were a starbucks less than 18 miles away. :( (I can't believe I went from a place with at least one every two miles to... three. total.)

This is kind of fun

AHHHHHHH... it's already getting dark. My days are pathetic.