Well, I guess it's not my birthday anymore. I was AWAKE for most of the day, if that counts for anything.

I got up at 6:50 and drove to Santa Ana to try to win those concert tickets... which, of course, I didn't. They were giving out random envelopes so they couldn't even help me. But, whatever, I got a free t-shirt.

Then I drove back up here (and the air was so clear today! It was beautiful out) and showered, took a nap, got some food, cried, found out Kelly and Mark had bought me a birthday cake (that was such a nice surprise!), got ready and went to Rich and Beth's Halloween party.

I can't wait until I get pictures developed from this. It was amazing. I saw some of their figures last year, but never the full thing... man. It was a lot of fun and the best party I've ever been to. It would have been MORE fun had I known more people, but I had a good time. I watched trick or treating for a long time. It was funny any time one of the little kids recognized Cole or Dylan, because they were like "Is that.... is that CODY from the suite life?????" I stayed until about 10, then decided to go home.

Thank you soooooo much to everyone for their birthday wishes. Jen, my parents, Rob, Christy, Katie E, Bryan, Lave, Stevie P, the anonymous people, dix-huit, Jes, Charlie, Kara, Jenny, Matt Smith, Tara, Aileen, Sarah, Ernie, Ben, Ryan, Jim Courim, Katy, Alana, Kate, JD, Anderson, Beth, Dustin, Leona, Kelly and Mark, Jim's mom....and Jim. Yes, Jim.

I didn't think he was going to call. In fact, when I was driving back from Santa Ana I freaked out, called his voice mail and screamed at him for "never caring about me in the first place. It's my BIRTHDAY, how can you DO this to me? You're such a BASTARD! (sob sob sob)" He eventually called me back mid-party... I talked to him for a while and then called him after I left.

I mean, it was what I expected. I cried a lot, told him basically everything I had TIME to tell him (he eventually insisted on getting off the phone)... you know. The first conversation post-breakup. I'm sure you've all been there. It wasn't... good. Not that it was really BAD either, but I wish it would have happened BEFORE today. I feel MOSTLY the same as I did before. He told me not to wish he would come back to me because it wasn't going to happen, I cried. He said I need a support group and to get into therapy, I cried. He said this hurts him to know how bad it hurts me, I rolled my eyes and cried.

As I told him tonight, as far as boyfriends come, Jim sucks at being one. But it didn't matter, because I loved him anyway. I could look past things and only see HIM. It didn't matter that he didn't treat me as well as he should have, that he had no feelings, NOTHING mattered. I JUST loved him. All he had to do was exist. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me how he could throw me away so easily.

I have this.... problem.... where I don't give up. MOST of the time this is a good thing... but not now. Despite everything I know, everything everyone has told me, I STILL have hope. WHY???? I wish I didn't. I wish I could give up this relationship... but for some reason I can't. Maybe I sacrificed too much FOR it... I dunno.

But, then again, I'm not entirely sure I know HOW to give up on people. I just never do it. But maybe I don't want to. In my world everything works out alright.

Too bad MY world is rarely... real.

Now I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here. Literally AND figuratively. I don't know what to do.... I have so many options, and even though everyone tells me this is "the best thing that has ever happened to [me]", I still feel like no matter what I choose, I'll never be happy again.

I really DO need therapy.

Am I really always going to miss Jim? He was everything I always said I wanted in a guy. He was my Ross Gellar.

I just wish I could understand.



Thanks to everyone again, though. I didn't get any presents this year (seriously!) but you helped make my birthday as good as it COULD be.


PS - This post is a little strange, I know. The internet stopped working for an hour half way through and I lost track of where I was really going with it.


PPS - I forgot to mention... My new favorite song is "Monster Mash."