There haven't been a lot of movies I've been "able" to watch lately. They're either too sad, too romantic, or they remind me of something dealing with Jim. I watched Legally Blonde tonight, though. I hadn't seen it since it came out in theatres, but what a great movie.

I was kind of in the same situation as Elle... she thought everything was great in the relationship, then he surprise dumps her one day. He didn't think she was smart enough, capable enough, serious enough... he basically didn't believe in her. This is exactly what was going on with me and Jim.

I am SO SICK of feeling like I should be nice to him. Perhaps if I stay "loyal" to him even while we're not dating, when something happens he'll see that and come back to me. I've seen people I know REALLY well do this. Well, you know what? That is bullshit. *I* should not be the one who is depressed... I should NOT feel like I need to prove myself to him. First of all, what has HE ever done that would make me feel (or him view me as) inferior in ANY way? Go to school for the rest of his life and have NO real goals or ambitions?? Be really opinionated about stuff and throw his ideas away? Be a complete ZOMBIE when it comes to interacting with people? WOW! Way to go with THAT, Jim!

And secondly, and more importantly, how can he be so BLIND to not see the things he thinks aren't there in me? EVERYONE ELSE CAN SEE THEM. I've never had a problem with people thinking I wasn't smart enough before Jim. And being "serious" is a joke. I always told him, if I would have gotten a minor in political science and ran against him in some type of electoral race, I would have beaten him, hands down. People do not like, nor do they "relate" to freaking robots. There has got to be SOME element of charm (hence why I wanted John Edwards for presidential ticket rather than John Kerry). I'll freaking charm your PANTS OFF. Jim will bore you to death.

I have never needed to prove myself to anyone in my life.... until Jim. I am sick of his crap, his boringness, his inability to feel ANYTHING, his neglect, his stubbornness, his selfishness, his superiority complex. I am sick of how fake he became in Los Angeles. I am REALLY sick of how much he craved the approval of the people from Tribe. I mean, really. It shouldn't take THAT much work to get people to like you.

Maybe playing hard to get really IS the way to go! Jeez!

I am sooooo allowed to be furious about this. How could someone break up a 2 year relationship because he was too blind to see the things that are already there that he wants?? Why did he ever start dating me in the first place if he thought I didn't have the "qualifications" he needed? HELLO, JIM. Did you just forget??

You know what, though? Screw that guy. It is completely and totally his loss. Now I am going to go back and finish the degree I should have never taken time away from in the first place, I'm going to do some theatre, I'm going to move to NYC without ANY backward glances... I'm gonna be fuckin FABULOUS and he'll still be in school without any real goals or ambitions.

You know who wins HERE, Jim? ME.


If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life.... you're not the girl I thought you were. - Legally Blonde







(PS - I accept the consequences of keeping my diary on the internet, open to the public. You choose to read it.)