Seriously, you WILL laugh at this

Man, today has been... long. Ever have those days where you have so much trouble sleeping that when it's time to wake up, you REALLY wonder if you had fallen asleep at ALL? Yeah, me too. Last night. I was REALLY TIRED, too, so I don't know why I couldn't sleep. I guess I just had a lot on my mind...

Anyway, I went in for advising. I got advised. TK is letting me sub Ballet 2 for modern 2, *most likely* letting me sub my Huron credits for my second Intro to design course AND she just threw away Voice 1 altogether! I guess it would be kind of weird for me to take it with all the freshman next year, haha. I'm only taking like 11 hours or something next semester, 3 of which are the ITW practicum (which will be over at the end of Feb.) It's GOOD since I'll have theatre history and I need to work on that ALL the time, but it's also gonna be really weird taking so few classes for the next three semesters.

After that I went home and napped for... well, maybe half an hour, then I had to go to work. It was pretty fun... I was following Amanda, who was really nice. It all came back to me... the thing I'm gonna have the most trouble with is remembering the table numbers. Everything else was just standard OG.

HOWEVER----nothing else matters except for the fact that I got to see BEN today!!!! Yayayay!!! He and Ernie were hanging out in the offices while I was being advised. They're awesome. I'll be going to their party after rehearsal this weekend, and I can't wait. I also talked to Christine Williams today, because she's moving to LA after she graduates. The advisee became the adviser as I advised her on where to live in LA. :)

---------->READ READ READ<----------
So, my Lave is conducting a survey for one of her grad school papers. You can fill it out here, just enter number 34049 into the box that says "take a survey." No, you don't have to register, just enter the number. It's only 10 questions long and it's REALLY important for her, so please, everyone, fill it out. I know you have time.

I went through OG orientation for the third time today. Fun. I thought I was going to be following someone on the floor, but that didn't end up happening, so she just sent me home. I BELIEVE I'll be doing that tomorrow. I hope, somehow, they let me keep my original hire date, even though I've been away for three months. It would help in my quest for vacation pay.

After that, I went to buy two smaller work shirts and then to buy those bagels I talked about earlier.

Then I got back and saw all the hoopla that guy's comment had made on Jim's blog. As we all know, I never ASKED someone to do that, nor do I even know the person who did. However, Jim's dad seems to be accusing me of starting it somehow... I don't know what I ever did to that guy. He's continuously rude to me. Like I NEED people to fight my battles for me. If it was MY idea to post that, I would have done it myself... I'm not afraid.

Soooo.. that's pretty messy. I don't even think the post was totally sincere, anyway... I think it was mostly joking. Ugh... whatever. It's rather flattering that someone would want to.. avenge me.. but it wasn't my IDEA.

Tomorrow is advising with TK. I always liked selecting classes...

LOL.... so, someone just posted this comment on Jim's blog that was... well, it was really mean, but it was also really funny. And then I scrolled down and saw another one, from an anonymous person that was even FUNNIER. Elderberries.... hahaha. I dunno, they could have been the same person. Regardless, I laughed. A lot.

But Jim's mom wasn't a hamster. His MOM is really, really nice and I like her a lot. :)

PS - I didn't write them. Obviously (I have an alibi!!). I've already written enough emails to him saying basically the same stuff... and, as you perhaps can see, when I choose to harass him in comment form, I use my name. :)

It was sooooo hard to get out of bed this morning. I couldn't sleep last night... it was so warm yesterday that it was too hot for my 7 blankets. I went to bed at like 2:20ish... but I couldn't sleep until probably after 4:30. I was trying to get out of bed at 10am (I had this craving for bagels last night and I was going to go get some), but there was no way THAT was happening when my alarm went off. I couldn't get out until 12:15. And even then, it was only because I HAD to. I would go back to bed right now if I didn't have to be somewhere at 3.

Uh... wow. Ok, I need to go get ready for work.

I FINALLY got my new plates today. They were totally cool about the fact that they were over a year expired, too. They didn't even ASK me about it... AND I paid LESS than I did the last time I got them renewed! I was like... why should I EVER do this every year?? :)

We had Thanksgiving today. I know, it's not NORMALLY a Monday night thing. But, whatever, it was good food. After that I promptly fell asleep.

I start at the OG tomorrow... I think I'll be following someone after a little bit of "orientation" so I can re-acquaint myself with the place. I can't wait to be making money again. Sitting around for almost 2 weeks was nice, but I feel kind of useless.

And I need to buy work shoes tomorrow! I keep forgetting!

It was unseasonably warm today. It's gonna get cold overnight, but it was almost 70 today. It was pretty nice (except for the rain).

I obviously don't have much to say right now...

Well, I did it. I watched "The Notebook." Just like with 50 First Dates, it wasn't so much uncontrollable sadness and "WHHHHHHYYYYYYY?!?!??!" as it was ".....when?"

I'd forgotten what it's like. For the first time since I lost Richard, I feel like I've got something to look forward to.

Apparently THAT character felt the same way I did.

I did cry, though. I mean, jeez, the ending is.... JEEZ.

I also watched Fahrenheit 9/11 (again) last night. It made me mad (again). I don't think I noticed before how much of a spoiled brat/bully GWB is.

I'll probably be investigated now.

Tomorrow is OUR Thanksgiving, hahaha. I'm also going to get an e-check and hopefully not get arrested when I get new plates.

As I still have nothing to do, I watched "Super Size Me" today.... uh... I think my mouth was hanging open during the whole movie. I was so sickened. It really made me want to be vegan.

I also watched "Dogma", "Best in Show", "50 First Dates" and ALMOST brought up the courage to watch "The Notebook"... but it was already an hour into it. I might watch it tomorrow, though. I know--I'm crazy. I shouldn't do it. But, as I realized during 50 First Dates (even though I've seen it a ton of times, it's a GREAT movie), I'm not so much SAD anymore as I am... eager. Eager for it to happen to me (without the memory loss).

And then sometimes I get REALLY angry, too, and then I do stupid things. I get a little nervous because I don't think it's normal to be progressing this fast... I guess taking myself completely out of the situation was pretty good, though. It helped a lot.

I downloaded the whole Frou Frou album last night (on much music for $8.50... because I am not a pirate). It's really good.

I was watching a Radiohead concert today, too, until my dad made me stop. He was all "I wonder if this is what MY dad thought about the Beatles." I told him all about Radiohead, and OK Computer, and how they defined music in the 90s and he was like "I hate them." Touche, I suppose.

I am completely dependent on Aveeno Ultra Calming daily moisturizer. If I don't use it my face is SOOOOO red and dry. DAMN YOU, AVEENO.

I wish my life had a soundtrack like movies. Like if I did something really random right now, that music would be playing.

That'd be great.

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind tonight... I probably don't need to say anything else.

I also watched Spanglish (well, all except the first half hour), and Mean Girls, which I haven't seen since it came out. Both = good.

I like movies. I haven't seen a lot since Jim and I NEVER went to the movies, so it's like I'm getting caught back up on the last 2 years of cinema.

I feel like I should make a phone call now...

Proof that I am one of the "founding mothers" of blogs (warning: boring). I started blogging WAY before the first day on there, too, but I didn't save the files. Unfortunately. It's really funny to read that now, because
A. It is so poorly written
B. I was SO ridiculous
C. I'll probably look back on THIS the same way

I don't know why I'm still up.

I decided it's stupid to be upset about casting. I'm sure the girls playing Sleeping Beauty/Snow White would kill right now to be jack's mom. Plus, she didn't have to cast me... I did LEAVE for a year. And maybe my current emotional distress would make me unable to do the show without crying in one of the other roles...

And it IS a good role...

I need to find a place to live in Kent. I guess D-Day is December 19th.... right before Christmas.

My parents both had to work today so jen and I went to grandma's at 5pm. It was ok... my grandma is really cool.

I keep trying to pick up my kitty like I used to do to Simon... she doesn't like it, though. He did. And HE would kiss me back.

I would learn to play the bass guitar if for no other reason than the bass part in "Rio."

Happy Thanksgiving. :)

900th (tripod) post survery spectacular

1. . initials: AEL

2. name someone with the same birthday as you: David Ogden Stiers, and uh... the Reformation

3. where was your first kiss?: Munroe Falls... hahaha

4. for or against same sex marriages?: FOR IT

5. are you homophobic?: no. obviously not.

6. are you bisexual?: what the crap? no.

7. do you believe in God?: Yes

8. how many US states have you been to?: Oklahoma was my 35th

9. how many of the US states have you lived in?: Just two... for now

10. have you ever lived outside the US?: No, but I want to immigrate to England like nobody's business.

11. name something you like physically about yourself: I'm kind of okay with everything lately

12. name something non physical you like about yourself: My personality.. because *I* think I'm HILARIOUS

13. where did you go to college?: KSU

14. what is your dream car?: Light blue convertible new beetle

15. if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?: Hawaii, England, and New Zealand

16. have you ever had someone of the opposite sex over at your house while your parents were gone?: Well DUH... and everyone knew about it

17. how many concerts have you gone to?: less than 10, but only like three real ones (2 Bela and one U2)

18. do you download music?: sort of...

19. how many illegal things have you done?: Is not renewing your plates illegal?

20. where would you want to go on a first date?: I honestly wouldn't care

21. describe your perfect date: One where it isn't awkward

23. ever been kissed under fireworks?: Yes

24. do you like president bush?: No sir

25. have you ever bungee jumped?: No, but I did those bungee-LIKE flying things at a couple amusement parks

26. have you ever white- water rafted?: Once again, only on the fake amusement park ones

27. have you ever crashed a car?: YES... and I almost died

28. has anyone more than 10 years older than you hit on you?: Yes. Many, many times.

29. have you met a real redneck?: Yes, because I live in Ohio again

30. are you interested in anyone right now?: Nope

31. what song are you listening to right now?: ooooh... none right now

32. what is your current favorite song?: "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel

33. what was the last movie you watched?: Love Actually

34. who was the last person you said you loved?: the kitty

35. where was the last place you went besides your house?: KSU

36. have you ever seriously vandalized someone elses property?: No, although I sometimes wish I had...

37. have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?: Oh yes... and I'd do it again because I am TOUGH

38. have you ever sang in front of a large number of people?: Yes. Upwards of two thousand at a time...

39. whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?: if they're nerdy enough

41. what do you usually order from starbucks?: Venti black ice tea or (peppermint) mocha frappucinos

42. what is your biggest mistake?: Hahaha... I think you all know the answer to this

43. have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?: No, but I've wanted to a couple of times. I'm sure everyone has.

44. say something totally random about you: I've been feeling like I'm going to throw up for the last two days

45. do you have an i-pod?: No

46. has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?: Some lady at an audition said I looked like Liv Tyler... but I mostly get Ally Sheedy

47. do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?: I would watch old episodes of Sesame Street EVERY DAY if I could...

48. do you have braces?: No, and I never did, either.

49. are you comfortable with your height?: Sometimes I wish I were just a little shorter, but generally, yes

51. when do you know its love?: When they don't freaking cheat on your or dump you for no reason

52. do you speak any other languages besides English?: a little french and a very little spanish. I can READ a lot of languages, but I can't really speak any of them

53. have you ever been to a tanning salon?: I went the whole month before my senior prom

54. what magazines do you read?: none

55. Are these surveys stupid?: Yes

56. do you have a hidden talent?: yes

58. have you ever ridden in a limo?: Yes because in 2nd grade I sold the most candy bars and I won a limo trip to McDonald's... hahahaha

59. has anyone you were really close with passed away?: My one Grandma but we weren't ridiculously close

60. do you watch mtv?: No

61. whats something that really annoys you?: Poor spelling/grammar, when my sister tells unnecessary details in a story but doesn't know the necessary one

62. whats something you really like?: kitties

63. do you like michael Jackson?: I did when I was two years old.

64. can you dance?: I pretend I can (I'm not fooling a lot of people)

65. have you ever surfed?: No. It takes a very specific body type/size to be able to surf... and after witnessing someone who has nowhere near that particular body type try... I decided it was stupid.

66. do you know how to pump gas?: Yes.

67. do you drive?: I hate to

68. whats the latest you have ever stayed up?: 6am, probably

69. have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die?: Yes, in my bad car accident and when I had salmonella poisoning and was throwing up every half hour for 11 hours

70. were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?: Yes

71. have you ever been dared to do something you didn't't want to do?: Yes, but if I didn't't want to do it, I didn't't do it... so it doesn't matter

72. did you do it?: see above, fool

71. do you actually read these when other people fill them out?: Yes, I do, actually

[X] I am a cuddler
[ ] I am a great dancer
[ ] I am a morning person.
[] I am a perfectionist.
[ ] I am Catholic.
[X] I am currently in my pajamas.
[ ] I am currently pregnant.
[X] I am currently suffering from a broken heart.
[ ] I am okay at styling other people's hair.
[ ] I am left handed.
[ ] I am married.
[ ] I am addicted to my myspace.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message
[] I am very shy around the opposite gender at first.
[ ] I bite my nails.
[X] I can be paranoid at times.
[ ] I currently regret something that I have done
[ ] When I get mad I curse frequently.
[ ] I don't hate anyone.
[ ] I enjoy country music.
[X] I enjoy jazz music
[X] I enjoy smoothies. (not fruit smoothies)
[X] I enjoy talking on the phone.
[X] I have a car
[X] I have a cell phone.
[X] I have/had a hard time paying attention at school.
[X] I have a hidden talent
[X] I have a lot to learn.
[X] I have a pet.
[ ] I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
[X] I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" guy/girl (APPARENTLY!)
[X] I have at least one brother and/or sister.
[ ] I have been in a threesome
[X] I have been to another country.
[ ] I have been to Europe.
[X] I have been told that I am very smart
[X] I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor.
[X ] I have broken a bone.
[ ] I have Caller I.D. on my phone. (my phone is broken)
[ ] I have changed a diaper/nappy.
[X] I have changed a lot over the past year.
[ ] I have done something illegal.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have had major/minor surgery
[ ] I have killed another person.
[ ] I have had my hair cut within the last week.
[ ] I have had the cops called on me.
[ ] I Have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't
[ ] I have mood swings
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[X] I have rejected someone before.
[X ] I have seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
[X] I have seen the television show The O.C.
[X] I have watched Sex and the City.
[X] I like Shakespeare. (ONLY the comedies)
[ ] I like the taste of blood.
[ ] I love to cook.
[X] I like to sing.
[ ] I like Michael Jackson.
[X] I love my friends.
[X] I love sleeping.
[ ] I love to play computer games.
[ ] I love to shop.
[X] I miss someone right now.
[ ] I own 100 CDs or more.
[ ] I own and use a library card.
[ ] I practice a religion that is not considered mainstream.
[X] I read books for pleasure in my spare time.
[ ] I sleep a lot during the day.

[X] I strongly dislike math.
[ ] I think Britney Spears is ugly.
[ ] I was born in a country other than the US.
[ ] I watch soap operas on a regular basis.
[X] I will try almost anything once. (except food)
[ ] I work at a job that I enjoy
[ ] I would classify myself as ghetto.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe,Painless, free of cost, and scar-free
[ ] I can name all 7 dwarfs from Snow White
[X] I am currently wearing socks.
[X] I am tired

10 Favorites
Favorite Color: Green
Favorite Food: Chicken
Favorite Band/Singer: (if I can only choose one...) The Beatles
Favorite Song: "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel
Favorite Movie: The Little Mermaid (again, if I can only choose one)
Favorite Sport: Baseball
Favorite Season: Summer
Favorite Day Of the Week: Days don't matter anymore..
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Cold Stone Cake Batter
Favorite Time of Day: Times of the day don't matter anymore...

9 Currents
Current Mood: "eh"
Current Taste: the taste of my throat
Clothes: cotton pants, tank top and my mom's huge fleece jacket
Current Desktop Picture: some kind of fall scene
Current Toenail Color: None
Current Time: 1:19am
Current Surroundings: the basement of my house
Current Annoyance(s): Jack's Mom
Current Thought: "I hope someone will move into my old apartment with Dustin..."

8 Firsts
First Best Friend: Danielle
First Kiss: Noah
First Screen Name: marcia03
First Pet: Erin the cat
First Piercing: my eyes in 4th grade
First Crush: Todd
First Music: Wilson Phillips!
First Car: Oh, God... a 1989 Oldsmobile. It was an old mobile...

7 Lasts
Last Cigarette: never
Last Drink: cherry coke
Last Car Ride: driving back from callbacks
Last Kiss: Anderson kissing me on the cheek to say goodbye
Last Movie Watched: Love Actually

6 Have You Evers
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: Yes
Have You Ever Broken the Law: once again, is not renewing your plates against the law?
Have You Ever Been Arrested: No
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: No
Have You Ever Been on TV: Yes.. hahaha
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You didn't't Know: No

5 Things
5 Things You're Wearing: my glasses plus the things I already said I was wearing
5 Things You Can Hear Right Now: Mom opening a cupboard, the TV upstairs, the keyboard, the computer hum and my stomach growling
5 Things You Can't Live Without: My cell phone (even if it IS broken), food, water, air and shelter
5 Things You Do When You're Bored: IMDB and google stalking

4 Places You've Been
1. Toronto
2. Belize
3. Los Angeles
4. Orlando


3 People You Can Tell Anything To
1. Lave
2. Dix-Huit
3. Lauren Champlin


2 Choices
1. Black or White: Black
2. Hot or Cold: hot

1 Thing You Want to Do Before You Die: get baptized




100 things about me:

1. First grade teacher's name: Miss Foster

2. Last person you kissed: Well, I'm sure it was probably Jim over a month ago...

3. Last word you said: "Hmmmm"

4. Last song you sang: "I Love You Song" from spelling bee

5. Last person you hugged: Bethany (I had to think about that one... I hugged a lot of people yesterday)

6. Last thing you laughed at: David Letterman

7. What's in your CD player: Spelling Bee

9. What socks are you wearing: Red and white striped long socks..

10. What's under your bed: Oh, wow... I have no idea...

11. Current status: Single, jerk

12. Current taste (mouth): None

13. Current hair style: business in the front, party in the back

14. Current clothes: I can't go over this again

15. Current Job: none, but I'll be a server again soon

16. Current longing: To go back in time

17. Current desktop picture: The fall scene

18. Current worry: about the apartment in california, but ALSO about the check engine light in my car

19. Current hate: french animation

20. Story behind your username: My sister said my dad's moccasin slippers were "a slice o' style"

21. Current favorite article of clothing: long tank tops

22. Favorite physical feature(s): my eyes

23. Last CD that you bought: Spelling Bee, once again...

24. Favorite place to be: New York

25. Least favorite place: Ohio

26. Time you wake up in the morning: lately it's been no earlier than noon

27. If you could play a new instrument, what would it be? the violin

29. Current favorite word/saying: "It was a stupid idea to make my 900th post a bunch of surveys"

30. Favorite book: all of Narnia and Harry Potter 4

31. Favorite Movies: The Little Mermaid, Ghostbuster, LOTR trilogy and Contact

32. Favorite Songs: "In Your Eyes", "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic", "Bad" (by U2) and... I think I'll say "Blackbird"

34. One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: There are so many

35. Favorite day: Like I said, days don't matter anymore

36. Where do you want to go: I really wish I could go to NYC for the weekend

37. What is your career going to be: Well, I HOPE I will not be a professional waitress

39. What kind of car will you have: None... cars are expensive

40. A random quote: Puddleglum: "Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things-trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia."


41. Eye Color: Green

42. Hair Color: brown

43. Righty or Lefty: Right

45. Zodiac Sign: Scorpio (for some reason this always scares people)

46.Innie or Outtie: Innie

DESCRIBE...

47. Your heritage: Irish, Russian, English, Scottish, Welsh, French, Yugoslavian annnnnnd Polish

48. The shoes you wore today: none

49. Your hair: I didn't even shower today

50. Your weakness: kitties

51. Your fears: that I won't even have enough money in my account if I DO have to pay rent in California for next month

52. Your most recent secret? Yeah... there aren't any

54. Your thoughts first waking up: "I should have slept EVEN LONGER"

55. The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: well... feature, eh? bone structure

56. Your bedtime: always late

57. Your most missed companion: :(

58. Your perfect pizza: Cheese and cheese alone

59. Sweet and Chewy or Salty and Crunchy: sweet and chewy, freak

60. Single or group dates: single... i have a problem where I need to be the center of attention a lot of the time

61. Dogs or Cats: cats

62. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton

63. Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate

64. Cappuccino or coffee?: Well... cappuccino if it's actually a latte with a lot of sugar and some kind of flavoring

DO YOU...

65. Smoke: hell no.

66. Curse: see above

67. Sing: Yes

68. Take a shower everyday: Not today, but if I am leaving the house, yes

69. Have a crush: Nope

71. Think you've been in love: Yes

72. Want to go to college: yeah... I guess i'm excited to go back

73. Want more than what you got: always

74. Want to get married: Yes, someday

75. Type with your fingers in the right place? absolutely not, but i'm still really fast at it

76. Think you're attractive: lately i've been thinking I've finally grown into my features... but maybe I'm wrong

77. Think you're a health freak: I won't eat certain things (like fried oreos), but really, I don't care.

78. Get along with your parents: most of the time

79. Play an instrument: my vocal chords

IN THE PAST 3 months:

80. Had an alcoholic beverage: no

82. Done a drug: sleeping pills

83. Made Out: Actually, no...

84. Go on a date: Yes, a long long time ago

85. Eaten an entire box of Oreos: yes

86. Eaten sushi: I hate fish

87. Been dumped: Really, survey? Did we REALLY have to go there?

88. Made homemade cookies: No

89. Been in love: Yes. Jerk.

90. Gone skinny dipping: No

91. Dyed your hair: No

92. Stolen anything: no

HAVE YOU EVER..

93. Had too much to drink: No

94. Been caught cheating: No

95. Been called a tease: No, because I'm not one

96. Gotten beaten up: No... but I would beat YOU up

97. Changed who you were to fit in: Clearly I haven't

98. Cried at something beautiful: Yes

99. Spent too much money on something you didn't’t need?: Not in the last 2 years...

100. Cried when someone died?: I cry when TV characters die (like that girl on Grey's Anatomy)




THE END.

Well, thanks to the funnest conversation with Chris Kateff EVER, a comment from Christy, and my dad (who is probably even more disappointed than *I* am about this casting) telling me that he likes how I always try to see things in a positive light, I feel... a little.. better. But really, guys. We all know I didn't decide to drive across the country 15 days from decision date for THIS. I wanted to do a role that hit WAY too close to home for me to be able to handle it... not just jokes and running around. I do that all the time. I wanted to bear my SOUL!

I slept until 1:15. It was good. Of course, I didn't fall asleep until after 3... but still. So, in my dramatic approach to last evening, I forgot to mention who DID get cast... and not that any of you probably really know these people, I'm still going to do it.

My friend Jessie got Cinderella (yayay!! I was very happy for her. she was afraid since she has dreadlocks that TK was going to think of her as too earthy and give her "tree mother" as she kept calling her), Bethany is the Baker's Wife (I always thought that if I couldn't get cast in this role, the only person I would be happy with playing it was Bethany.. and I AM extremely proud of her), Bryan is playing the Baker, I already said how John is Jack.... ummm... ok, I can't really remember anyone else right now. Oh... a girl I just met is playing the Witch (and she WAS really good so I can't even complain about THAT). Really, I can't COMPLAIN about any of it. The girls who got the better roles were really good... so.... I suppose it's my destiny.

I had a dream about Jim's whole family... but Charlie and Danny looked just like the Weasley twins from Harry Potter... which is kind of weird. I was saying goodbye to them in my dream... but I don't WANT to say goodbye to THEM!

I don't want to do anything today. And tomorrow is Thanksgiving, sort of. Well, it REALLY IS Thanksgiving, but I don't know what Jen and I are doing. Probably going to Grandma's which I'm sure will be really awkward for a variety of reasons, one being the fact that one of my uncles is a republican.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


WHY WHY WHY do I have the worst life EVER???

Ok ok ok ok.... today had started out pretty good. Terri called me back for EVERY ROLE except Rapunzel, which I thought was a good thing. So, I went to kent and got my sides and then went to Cuyahoga Falls, where I got a job as a server at the OG (yay!). It was starting to get pretty crappy weather-wise out, so I just went to Kent to hang out until 7.

I got to see a lot of people, which was really nice. I was sitting in the green room with Bryan and said to him "I want to see jessie so bad. I hope she can sense the brain waves I am sending her to come over here." Who should come by not thirty seconds later? Jessie Rubin. It was just thrilling. Anyway, callbacks went REALLY well for me. I THINK I did really, really well at ALL the roles she called me back for.

She said the cast list would go up tonight, and since I won't be there tomorrow, I decided to wait... and then karl came around with it... and I looked... and I actually SPOKE these next words:

"Oh my God, my worst nightmare has come true."

Now, before anyone gets on my case, YES, I am HAPPY TO BE CAST. I realize I have a really good role and it is one I always said I wanted to play... at some point. I was just thinking it would be in about 30 years and not at age 23.

Because she cast me as Jack's Mom.

What was I saying just one week ago? "I'm afraid since I'll be older than most of the people that she'll only consider me for the adult roles. I just don't want to be Jack's Mom."

I did an AMAZING job tonight. Apparently she must have wanted someone REALLY GOOD to play Jack's Mom. And now I'm just gonna have to be the freaking BEST JACK's MOM EVER.

Which will be hard since I am neither in my 50s nor hideously ugly.

Oh, and to top it all off, John Moauro is playing Jack... and he played Rocky with me the second year I did the show. And now I'm his MOM. We like pretend made out on stage and now I'm his... mom.

SOOOOOOOOOO.... like I said, I am happy to be cast. And Jack's mom IS a good role, and she's really funny and she gets to sing... but I CANNOT pretend I'm not ridiculously disappointed. I mean, really. WHAT does she want from me?? There will never be a time in my life when I would be better at one of the four leads... and I'll never get to prove this. Because apparently I am never supposed to be one of my "practiced" roles in this show.

As Dan said, "Don't worry. Kent State is a joke."

I WILL BE THE BEST GODDAMN JACK'S MOM THERE EVER WAS.

Wow, I think my last entry got more positive comments than any other entry. FIVE. One on the twin blog, one is person, and three on this site. Go me.

I went with my parents to see Harry Potter today. I liked it a lot... obviously. Although, I didn't feel like there was enough of ANY of the other characters and I think if I wouldn't have read the books I would be REALLY confused. I cried when Cedric died... and when they all came out of Voldemort's wand. He was SO SCARY!

My check engine light came on today. Woo freaking hoo. I also think I need a new back tire (one of the older ones). I hope this is nothing serious because A. I have NO money (none. Really.) and B. just fixed a bunch of crap in my car. Be okay for ONCE, car!

I had my audition for Into the Woods today. It was sooo scary. I sang "No One is Alone" and "Moments in the Woods"... then Terri asked me to sing "Last Midnight." It was pretty okay. I never know how to sing that note in "Last Midnight," though... YOU know the one (or maybe you don't). I was honestly very surprised she had me sing THAT, though and not "I Know Things Now." Perhaps I've grown up in her eyes? Who knows. Griffin is going to call me if I get called back... I hope I do. I've wanted to do this show (at least, a REAL production of this show. There were the "productions" I did with Jen playing all the boy roles and me playing all the girls for Grandma, but I don't think those count)since I was 10 years old... and I'm more ready emotionally now than I've ever been before.

So, tomorrow's agenda includes MAYBE going in to schedule my classes with TK, going to the OG to hopefully get a job, hopefully going to callbacks that night... I hope ALL the things I just listed happen.

I also want to see my friends. I saw Griffin on my way in tonight and it was sooooo nice.

There haven't been a lot of movies I've been "able" to watch lately. They're either too sad, too romantic, or they remind me of something dealing with Jim. I watched Legally Blonde tonight, though. I hadn't seen it since it came out in theatres, but what a great movie.

I was kind of in the same situation as Elle... she thought everything was great in the relationship, then he surprise dumps her one day. He didn't think she was smart enough, capable enough, serious enough... he basically didn't believe in her. This is exactly what was going on with me and Jim.

I am SO SICK of feeling like I should be nice to him. Perhaps if I stay "loyal" to him even while we're not dating, when something happens he'll see that and come back to me. I've seen people I know REALLY well do this. Well, you know what? That is bullshit. *I* should not be the one who is depressed... I should NOT feel like I need to prove myself to him. First of all, what has HE ever done that would make me feel (or him view me as) inferior in ANY way? Go to school for the rest of his life and have NO real goals or ambitions?? Be really opinionated about stuff and throw his ideas away? Be a complete ZOMBIE when it comes to interacting with people? WOW! Way to go with THAT, Jim!

And secondly, and more importantly, how can he be so BLIND to not see the things he thinks aren't there in me? EVERYONE ELSE CAN SEE THEM. I've never had a problem with people thinking I wasn't smart enough before Jim. And being "serious" is a joke. I always told him, if I would have gotten a minor in political science and ran against him in some type of electoral race, I would have beaten him, hands down. People do not like, nor do they "relate" to freaking robots. There has got to be SOME element of charm (hence why I wanted John Edwards for presidential ticket rather than John Kerry). I'll freaking charm your PANTS OFF. Jim will bore you to death.

I have never needed to prove myself to anyone in my life.... until Jim. I am sick of his crap, his boringness, his inability to feel ANYTHING, his neglect, his stubbornness, his selfishness, his superiority complex. I am sick of how fake he became in Los Angeles. I am REALLY sick of how much he craved the approval of the people from Tribe. I mean, really. It shouldn't take THAT much work to get people to like you.

Maybe playing hard to get really IS the way to go! Jeez!

I am sooooo allowed to be furious about this. How could someone break up a 2 year relationship because he was too blind to see the things that are already there that he wants?? Why did he ever start dating me in the first place if he thought I didn't have the "qualifications" he needed? HELLO, JIM. Did you just forget??

You know what, though? Screw that guy. It is completely and totally his loss. Now I am going to go back and finish the degree I should have never taken time away from in the first place, I'm going to do some theatre, I'm going to move to NYC without ANY backward glances... I'm gonna be fuckin FABULOUS and he'll still be in school without any real goals or ambitions.

You know who wins HERE, Jim? ME.


If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life.... you're not the girl I thought you were. - Legally Blonde







(PS - I accept the consequences of keeping my diary on the internet, open to the public. You choose to read it.)

Right before Jim broke up with me I started having bad dreams... but since then, they have like TRIPLED in frequency.

And now they're all about him.

And I wake up and I'm SO MAD.

The worst part is that they're usually semi-realistic. Like last night, I had this dream he came to Ohio to visit me... and brought a new girlfriend. It was the first I heard about the girlfriend, and I was sooooo crazy angry.. I kept trying to sabotage her life. But, I can really see him doing that to me! It's like he has completely forgotten that I ever meant anything to him. I'm starting to wonder if I ever did. I just can't understand how he can do what he's doing... how he can just forget I exist, without another thought towards the matter. It hurts so much since I am such a mess about it, and he is just FINE. I just wish he freaking CARED that he messed up my whole life and I wish I knew that he felt SOME kind of regret or pain or sadness or ANYTHING other than stony indifference.

I was going to go see Harry Potter (alone) today, but then I found out my dad had to go to the hospital, so I just stayed home.

He was acting really weird yesterday; breathing funny, being "confused"... but he said nothing was wrong. Today he left for Sandusky at 11 and at 3pm his boss was calling the house asking where he was. That scared ME more than it seemed to scare Jen, but then she called mom at work and mom told us he went to the hospital. Jen started crying immediately, so I took the phone. I guess his heart was beating really fast. He called us like half an hour later saying he was coming home. I mean, I guess he's ok because they probably wouldn't let him leave the hospital if he wasn't. Regardless, it was scary, and they gave him more medicine and he'll be home until Wednesday.

Dad's had a LOT of heart problems (surgeries starting when he was only in his 20s), so you kind of have to take everything seriously.

We can't celebrate Thanksgiving until next Monday because my mom is working so she can get the double time and my dad will be working. Of course, IF I get cast in Into the Woods, the first rehearsal/read-thru might be on Monday, so I might miss Thanksgiving altogether.

Yesterday I went to Kent as I said I would. Terri had already signed me up for an audition time, and then I saw Bryan, who told every single person we passed that I was back (half these people were like "...who?"). I was so nervous. It was so scary. I copied some stuff from the score, but I don't have anyone to practice piano with, so this is going to be... interesting. Terri came in while I was copying and I almost cried when she hugged me... I kind of didn't want to see her until I auditioned. That's not why I almost cried, though. It was just... a lot of stuff. Anyway, then I saw Ryan Washabaugh, which was sooo nice, and then I went to financial aid. They got my loan going, I paid that loooong overdue bill, and now I am officially registered for TWO classes. Only two because I need permission to register for theatre classes, and most of the classes I wanted to take were already filled. Right now I am planning on a Tues-Thurs ONLY semester, so I can work the other three days.

I'm going to go in to the OG on Monday and hopefully they'll give me a job. I need money SOOOOO bad...

I also went to see Jen play the oboe in Amahl at Akron.... she did well. The show was kind of funny. I don't really like the MUSIC but it was sung very well.

Hopefully I'll get to see Harry Potter tomorrow... I can't believe I've waited this long already.

I'm pretty hurt by the fact that Jim can so easily "erase" me from his life. He updates his blog, completely omits any reference to me, but KEEPS Becky on there? Really, Jim? Not only was I with him longer, but *I* didn't screw him up emotionally. All I did was contribute to the awesome factor in his life and he just throws me away like garbage... but he remembers to keep becky on there.

Bastard.

So, driving sucks. A lot. And I HATE the west. Every day we were like "Arizona sucks," "New Mexico sucks," "Texas really sucks." And they did. Missouri is OKAY.... but not really. I did stop in St. Louis to see Lauren's show, though. It was fun and I'm glad I got to see her.

Dix Huit and I had a lot of fun making fun of people from Sterling. The best was when I referred to Flora as "Flora George Big Walnut Creekus" (because we passed over the Big Walnut Creek) and then the movie we are going to make called "From Stripper to Sterling: The [JM] story." The last day went by with a lot more laughter because of those little things. And the "cast list" for our movie. Danny DiVito as Flora... hahaha.

And yeah, I realize MOST people have no idea why the above paragraph would be funny at all... but it was.

So, tonight I am going to see Jen play in Amahl and the Night Visitors. Today I need to go to Kent to sign up for an audition time and see if Conni is there in financial aid... because I neeeeeeed her. In fact, I need to start doing this stuff, so I better go.

PS - It's frickin freezing.

I'm really tired... and my body is shaking for driving for the past... 23 years.

But we're back. I had a really good time with the Dix Huit and we didn't even get pulled over! Thank God. I'll update more tomorrow, right now I need to think about going to bed...

I'm leaving today. :(

Bye bye.

I'll update when we get back.

Dix Huit says hi.

Kelly came back. Neither of us has said anything to him but he did walk into the kitchen and THROW his groceries. What a freaking baby. I think it's hilarious that his way of showing us "he means business" is to remove us from his myspace friend's list. Like I CARE.

Anyway, last night Dustin and I went to Justin's apartment and then Erin came. Justin lives in the Grand, right outside the Galleria and it's amazing. Plus, he pays the same as we did at Archstone and the place is waaaaay better. I was jealous. We didn't watch the movie, but we did sit there and talk until 2am. It was fun. Until I started to crash from my lack of sleep.

I watched Monsters Inc today to make up for not watching it last night and I cried, as I knew I would.

I also took my old clothes to goodwill, changed my address at the post office, mailed a letter, got my hair trimmed, returned the knitting kit I bought at Target (hahaha... I wonder if i SERIOUSLY thought I would want to knit or if I was just crazy when I bought that), drove around Griffith Park (in the DAYTIME for once!), put my last Suite Life check in the bank and now I'm moving stuff down to my car. I don't want to put EVERYTHING in tonight since I gotta go to LAX, but I plan on filling up the trunk, at least.

:(

I talked to Lauren last night. It was nice. We actually talked for like an hour. I'm gonna try really hard to come see her in Junie B Jones in St. Louis, but like I told her, I can't make any promises. However, I will definitely be passing THROUGH, so I did tell her I'd call and see if we can stop by, if nothing else. That should be fun.

Dix Huit gets here in... well, 5 hours. But, besides the fact that it means I'm moving, I can't wait to see her! It's been over a year...

I know this is the best thing... but it sucks so bad. While driving today I was reminded of when I used to come visit here... and that made me really sad. I still keep hoping I'm going to wake up from this.... but the hope lessens every day.

Oh my God, last night was one of the worst nights EVER. I've gotten used to getting woken up when drunk Kelly comes in in the middle of the night, and yeah, sometimes they're really loud, but it isn't usually a BIG deal. Anyway, sometimes they also bring complete strangers who are also drunk home so that they don't drive... it's NICE, but really weird. I don't really feel great about having people not even THEY know over.

So, anyway, last night was one of those nights. Kelly, Mark and the strangers got in at about 5:30am, making a TON of noise, laughing in the living room and then I heard Mark say something along the lines of me yelling at them the other night (all I said was "Guys, please" because it was 3:30am) when they came in and how I was "freaking out" and dropping the f-bomb all over the place. So I was like "Mark, I can HEAR you. You know I didn't say ANY of that." And then he ran away and Kelly started laughing HYSTERICALLY and then they proceeded to sit in the living room and MAKE FUN OF ME knowing that I could hear them! I couldn't believe it. I called Dustin because I knew if I went down there I was gonna throw punches, and my heart was beating soooo fast. Dustin came out and then he and Kelly fought for TWO HOURS. Oh, God. It was so awful. I felt so bad for getting Dustin involved (he would have woken up anyway since they were so loud, though). I cried a lot. Dustin really stood up for me and defended me. Kelly is such an incredible bastard. He has ZERO consideration for anyone else and every time he tried to DEFEND his actions, his explanations didn't even make any sense. He said *I* showed him no respect by not telling him I wanted to move the minute he moved in. He said that he comes in and said hi to me all the time and I ignore him (which, clearly, never happened. I usually run to open the door for him and say hi. I barely KNOW him, so I don't talk to him a lot, but I have never IGNORED him). Dustin also let slip about one of my away messages I had up when I was really sad and how Kelly and Mark made fun of me after reading it. Dustin told him to move out today... I don't think he will, but he's not here now. It doesn't really matter to me THAT much since I'm pretty sure this was my last night in the apartment (I'm hopefully selling my bed today). I just don't want to SEE that creep ever again.

I don't care if he was "just drunk." He's a CREEP.

Dustin is... jeez... the nicest guy ever, though. I still can't believe how he just went out there to defend me. After Kelly stormed off to his room, I went down to apologize for bringing him into it and thank him, and give him a hug and he said "It's ok... I mean, Kelly was my friend, but I love you."

:( :( :(

Dustin wins the #1 spot on the Men of 2005.



So, after that, I couldn't sleep until about 9am... and I had my alarm set for 9:30 so I could get up for work. I had the WORST headache but no tylenol in the house. I ended up sleeping until 10:30, then went to work, which was horrible since I was so tired. I also felt really sick and didn't exactly LOOK very good, either. I took two tables... $14 on my last day... wooo..

I'm hoping to watch Monsters Inc with Justin Stevenson tonight and perhaps some others. He didn't call me back, though, so WHO KNOWS what is going on.

Jeez, I have so much I need to do and half of it I can't even do yet (go to the post office, call the utility people to have them transfer the stuff into Dustin's name, more of the same). I don't even know if I am working the Suite Life tomorrow, either. In all reality, although I need the money, I have too much to do and SHOULDN'T do the show.

I don't want to take the turnpike when I drive. At all. Sooooo... I'm thinking the 10 to the 15 to the 40.... stay on the 40 until the 55N, take that up to St. Louis, PERHAPS see Lauren's show since she'll be there at the same time and then take the 70 back up to Ohio. It would be fun to see the show. St Louis is only 8 hours from Akron, so we could leave at 1ish, be back by 9ish... of course, I have to approve this with the Huit-master, too. We'd have to get to St. Louis (or near enough to drive there in a couple of hours) by the end of the second day, which probably won't be a problem. Let's make it WORK! Yeeeeaaaahhh..

Yay! Monsters Inc is ON for tonight!

Ok, gotta go disassemble the bed...

Today was... weird. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that I may HAVE to pay rent for December out here, which SUCKS, but I suppose it could be worse... right? RIGHT???

Anyway, I went to work and I wanted to explain to my manager Camey why I'm leaving (she asked yesterday right before I was about the greet a table and then I started to cry, so I told her I'd tell her later). I think she felt bad for me. She's a pretty emotionless lady (she's really NICE and she tries to make things fun for us, but she also wants to be REALLY professional, so it's kind of conflicting interests), but she looked sad. She also offered to help me get a job at another MG or Chilli's if I need to, which was REALLY unexpected since I gave barely a week's notice of my departure. I was trying SO HARD not to cry when I was talking to her that my face started to tingle. I felt lightheaded for HOURS after the conversation.... in fact, I STILL feel lightheaded. I was really unsuccessful in not crying, too, so I probably could have avoided this lightheadedness.

I made $75 because a lot of my tables sat forever... including the last one who stayed until after midnight (we closed at 11 and they had their food BY then). They tipped me over 20%... but still.

Tomorrow is my last day. It's pretty sad. But Justin (st.) Stevenson and I are going to see a movie afterwards, which will be fun! Yaaaaaay Justin!

I think some guy is coming to buy my bed tomorrow. I hope so. I need the monies.

You know what movie I have absolutely no interest in seeing for... a long time? The Notebook. I've never seen it before (yeah, I know) and I think if I saw it anytime in the near future that I'd want to die.

I should go to bed. Lightheadedness and me aren't mixing well.

I didn't update yesterday... Hmmmm...

Ok, well, the better of the two girls that came by on Thursday decided to just stay with her cousin until January... and I'm not 100% sure the OTHER one liked the place enough to want to rent it out. It's not like I HAVE to find someone before i MOVE... I'd just have to leave the interviewing to Dustin. If I have to, I'll pay rent while I'm not here until he can find someone... but I really don't want to. Obviously. Sigh... this sucks.

I made $100 last night, which was nice. I had a party of 15 or something that tipped me $50 on $235. They were a pretty difficult party... everyone wanted something special with their food and the two younger boys seemed to think they were the only ones at the table, but at least it was WORTH the trouble. My friends Justin and Vikki also came in to see me. They brought me cards and stayed for like two hours, which made me really happy. :) I was really glad I got to see them a little before I go... but Justin likes to go to NYC a lot, so he said he'd come visit me when I move there. Yay!

Vikki said she won't ever go to Ohio because she's seen the movie "Gummo" too many times.

I work again tonight at 4, so hopefully it goes as well as last night in money making (or better).

This is funny... and TRUE. Sometimes I feel like I know who the Ohio-equivalents are.

Jen is SO SICK. I feel so bad for her.

The two girls came over. They were both really nice, although I think one would fit in better with Dustin than the other. Fingers crossed!

Kelly finally came home. He hasn't been here since Friday. I guess he was in Arizona or something. I had to show his room without him even knowing.

Hmm... I'm getting pretty sleepy. I slept until freaking 11:15, so that's kind of weird. Maybe it's because I've been running around so much the last couple of days.

I can't wait to get back home if for no other reason than going to work. I know that sounds weird, but I can't wait to start to make money.

I got the birthday present from Christy today! :) It was so nice of her. She sent me the Killers CD, the Death Cab for Cutie CD and another CD (which I can't remember the name of, because it's in the car). She's so sweet.

I work tomorrow and Saturday nights and Sunday morning... and I think I'm doing the Suite Life on Monday, too. On Sunday I officially become AFTRAe. All I have to do is pay my dues in full and I'm an official member. Woooooo.

I hope I can find a place in Kent to live. I hope a LOT of things....

I LOVE Christmas! I went in to Starbucks today and it was all decked out... and they brought back the peppermint frappuncinos... :) I think I just like themes, though. I like any holiday where people act differently than normal. I'd say I wish it were Halloween, Valentine's Day or Christmas ALL the time, but then you'd never notice the difference.

I have two girls coming by to look at the apartment today. They both SEEM pretty nice (based on the little I know about either of them).

Last night I was packing and getting rid of stuff in my room and it literally made me sick to my stomach. I HATE to do this. I would give anything in the world to have this whole situation not be real.

I think dix huit is coming in on Monday night. I'll show her around LA on Tuesday and then we'll either leave that evening or on Wednesday morning. The only perk to leaving on Wednesday is one less night in a hotel. Maybe I'll just show her around with all my stuff in my car so we can leave directly from... showing her around. This is one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me. I hope she has a good time. PS - Miss Huit, if you want to bring any CDs for the ride, feel free. :)

I've done so much growing up over the last year. Mostly the last month, though. It's funny... because I thought I understood stuff before, but I realize I had no idea what it's like to feel so trapped and hopeless and start climbing your way out of it. I really feel like I understand the bitterness people can have for so long and why they would want to protect someone from it. I also now know what it's like when you think you're totally alone only to "discover" the people who have ALWAYS been there. I have so many freaking friends, I have God, I have my amazing family... and somehow I was able to look past everyone because I was so sad. I don't think I was ever qualified to give advice to anyone about ANYTHING until now. It's good and kind of horrible at the same time.

I guess it's just unfortunate that you can't find these things out until you experience something as life-shattering/heart breaking as this.

I'm still crazy, though.

Anyway, I gotta go buy some light bulbs... I'll write later...

You wouldn't THINK that doing background stuff is tiring... and yet, it is. Leona told me before the first time I did it that I'd be tired, despite not doing that much and she was right. Something about the set... and probably the fact that I had to get up to early with not a lot of sleep.

Anyway, I had a pretty good time yesterday. I made friends with a woman named Caroline and this guy, Tony, who is ALWAYS the doorman on the show. They were both really nice.

My parents gave me some more money so I was able to fix my brakes today. They are so nice. I'm also glad I won't die now.

Dix huit is definitely coming on the drive with me, although we're still trying to figure out what day she is getting here/when we're leaving. We might be leaving as early as Tuesday, now (she has to work that weekend). It'll be a lot of fun, though... and we'll need a lot of caffeine.

Today Jim and I met for breakfast so we could say goodbye. It wasn't really... a GOOD time... but I'm glad it happened. I made fun of him a lot, but really, can you blame me? It just sucks... and it sucks that I have to LEAVE to get over this... but I don't see any other way. I'm just going to miss him so much...

I ALSO met with Ed and Erin for dinner at Mel's. Ed is really nice and paid for ALL of us. It was a really nice time and I'm glad we could all hang out. He got a new job and he's making more money than he has bills to pay now, which is AMAZING!!! I hope that happens to me someday... :) I'll miss them a lot.

I went to work today and made $10. Wooooo.

Tonight I need to clean my apartment and tomorrow (and probably Saturday) I'm gonna be having a couple of people come over to see if they want to sublet. I need to get SOMEONE!

I'm also gonna list my bed on craig's list tonight. Jeez... so much is going on.

I'm really, really tired and tomorrow is going to be another really long, probably bad, day... so I'll just say these things:

A. I was working on the suite life for 12 hours and it was tiring.

B. I stole this from pinkisthenewblog.com

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

So, since I had to be out of the apartment all day today I decided to get my oil changed. While I was there the mechanic said "uhh... yeah. You need to come here and look at your tires. I'm surprised they haven't exploded." So, I looked, and he was right. The one was about to tear away and the other wasn't much better. So, after that, I went to firestone to get new tires, and THEN they told me my brakes were almost gone too! I'm like.... ugh. The guy (Gus) tried to help me out by calling a bunch of places to get the lowest price possible... he eventually got the price knocked down from like $280 to $190. He was SO nice and I think he felt really bad for me because I was... pathetic. My parents are, once again, sending me money that they don't have to get the brakes fixed (since I obviously can't drive home with bad brakes), and since I spent ALL my money on the tires. So... I'm back to zero dollars. Again. :(

We're still trying to work out some details about the plan home, but I really think it's a go for the weekend of the 17th. Dix huit, I'll call you tomorrow. My mom offered to drive with me, too, but I don't know that spending ANOTHER $150 on a plane ticket and the money she's already giving me (and GAVE me last month) is a good idea. We'll talk about it...

Now I just gotta get someone for the apartment...

Eric suggested I sell my necklaces in the jewelry district downtown. This is the only idea that's been good about them so far. I just have to get someone to go with me because SCARY! I hope I can get enough....

Tomorrow is Suite Life so I need to get to bed pretty early. I didn't get to talk to Paul today so I'll try to call him tomorrow morning on my way to the studio. I made $45 at work tonight, all my tips were good and I was pretty happy while there, too. I was also STRANGELY funny... I told Nate how I was afraid I was going to have to file for and he was like "right NOW?" and I said "yes. RIGHT now. I'm going to have to file bankruptcy to be able to tip people out tonight." I laughed about that for... minutes. He said not to worry because he's going to start taking drawing lessons so he can make the comic strip about me and he'll give me a percentage of the profits. Haha... I love Nate.

I feel kind of sick... I'm afraid the "fumigation" from today might have somehow poisoned me.

I went to the OG today to visit Joe V and Anderson. It was really nice. Pedro came in right before I left, which was ALSO so nice. I'm so glad I got to see him again before I left. I couldn't bear to tell him I was moving to go back to school, though... he told me he still hadn't gotten his vacation yet and then added "maybe next year!" God, I love Pedro. He's so freaking adorable. I wish everyone could know him. Anyway, Anderson bought me lunch (or maybe he and Joe BOTH did and split the cost? I'm not quite sure how they worked that out...) and I got to talk to them for like 2 hours. Those two... jeez... don't tell my other california friends this (and no offense if anyone is reading this!) but they are probably the two most important people I met here. I care about them SO MUCH and I swear, I don't think I will ever meet two nicer guys than Joe V and Anderson. They were just so... real.

JD also stopped in while I was there, which was a hoot. I love HIM, too. :)

Ok, so I MAY have figured out what is happening with UPS and not getting any packages. I think, maybe they TRIED to deliver them, but since we don't have a phone they couldn't call us to let them into the apartment. Maybe they didn't want to leave them outside and the manager wasn't in, so they are holding them for me? This is the only conclusion I could come to. I'm going to call tomorrow and see if they can tell me anything different. They could have left a note on the outside gate because I never would have known--- i NEVER use the outside gate. Anyway, hopefully they have stuff for me, otherwise it's lost. And i'll be sad.

Wow, I had a lot of stuff to talk about tonight.

Gasp! and gleeeeeeee!!!!! I'd be there for every second!

Someone wrote the comment "u have way 2 much time on ur hands." That is absolutely true (I THINK, since they didn't really use english). And do you know why? Because my boyfriend who used to take up a good chunk of my time broke up with me. If I'm not at work, I'm doing nothing. It sucks ALL THE TIME.

Sadly, I was at work from 11:30-4:15 today and made... $30. Mostly 10% tips combined with slowness... yet, we were on a wait because the kitchen was so backed up that our tables were there FOREVER. My last table was a nightmare. I hated them. They left me even less than 10% and everything was PERFECT. They're just jerks. I am SO OVER this crap...

I called my former OG manager, Paul today... I'm gonna talk to him more indepthly tomorrow to see if he can give me a recommendation for either my old OG or the fairlawn one. I don't think I want to transfer with the MG... plus, it seems like it CAN'T be a bad idea to stay with the company that has auto-grat on all tables after 3pm in the Times Square location... :) And no ridiculous side work!

I was going to go to church, but since I didn't get off work until so late and needed to be ON the subway by 4:45 (and I was barely getting home then), I guess I am going to skip. I thought about driving, but gas is so expensive and I need to save my money. As we all know. Maybe I'll just take the subway for fun tomorrow and go to McArthur Park or something since I have to be out of the apartment all day.

I'm also going to get to talk to Terri's financial aid lady, Conni, tomorrow, which I am SO exacted about. I hope she can help me.

It feels good to have a plan. Knowing I'm actually going to be doing something for myself has made me the happiest I've been since... October 11th.

God Bless Tuck at work. For the second week he's let me go into his section, when he needed money. Today he even transferred a check over to me and let me keep the tip on a table I didn't do anything for. He is my MG savior.

Sadly, I didn't make a lot of money tonight. I THOUGHT I had made more, but... I had this table of 8 19 year olds, and when I was counting their money the first time, I was counting the $10s as $20s, so I thought they left me $25 on $100. At the end of the night I realized, nope, they left me $5 on $100. I was sooooo pissed about that. I also had this party of 20... 10 kids. Luckily the parents tipped me $32 on $160, so it made up for it. I made $70 tonight. Too bad it could have been $90 if those kids wouldn't have been so effing cheap.

Tuck's continuous generosity made me think a lot tonight about how amazing so many people in my life are. I like to think that I'm a relatively good person. I care about people really deeply and I try to help them when I can. I paid it forward once, to jenni jarrell. ;) I hope that the support I've gotten from so many in the last couple of weeks is because of my past but also to help me remember in the future what I need to do. As much as everything sucks right now (and it does), there are some really amazing people out there who obviously care about me a lot. And I've still got good old God. If NOTHING else, I've still got Him.

I have to work again tomorrow morning. I guess the Suite Life only needs REAL adults on Monday, so I'm only gonna be there on Tuesday of this week. I picked up a Monday night shift but I need to be gone the whole day because they are "fumigating" the apartment. Not a big one with the tent and stuff, just a little one. I haven't seen any bugs, so I don't know if it's THAT big a deal, but whatever. It's not like I can stop them.

Tomorrow after work I'm gonna try to go to church and then clean up/sort/pack some. Hopefully this week I remember in Union Station NOT to get on the second train in the station that doesn't even go where I'm going.

Oh yeah, and I just TODAY got a package from Dix Huit that she mailed on Oct 27th for my birthday. The packaging was all beaten up... I HATE OUR MAIL!! I still haven't gotten Jen's over nighted CD... sigh. But, now I officially have two birthday presents. I also got a gift card from Jim's mom because she is cool like that. They are nice ladies. Thanks again, both of you.

Ok, bed time.

UGH.

I don't feel great today. DESPITE my sister telling me about her bad dream and how she woke up saying "bad dream bad dream bad dream."

I hate days like today. I want to sleep in but then I have nothing/no time to do anything else before work. Well, before I go in to work to beg someone to let me have their shift.

Jen said I should ask grandma for moving money. You know, I WOULD, but I'd feel really bad asking my grandma for money. She's the only person in the family who HAS money right now (and it's not like she's a millionaire).

I really hope I can get back by the 20th. That'd be so great... and perfect.

So, I'm listening to the new Harry Potter soundtrack on AOL music (aol is so great)... and man, the music is REALLY good. Two of the members of Radiohead play in the "nameless band" featured at the Yule Ball (it's supposed to be called "the weird sisters"). The lyrics are kind of stupid, but the music sounds GREAT. I wish I was British.... they really know how to be cool.

I do like how they repeatedly say "Creature of the night" in the song "Do the Hippogriff," though. I think I did that two years in a row, too. :)

I hate the mail here. My sister over nighted me a CD and it still hasn't come yet (she sent it on Thursday) and Christy, just so you know (since you said almost two weeks ago to check my mailbox in a week), I haven't gotten anything.

I should go shower....

Jeez, I was at work ALL DAY. Well, ok, I was at work from 12-2 and then from 6-11. It seemed longer, though.

I had good tips all day long... I didn't have enough TABLES to make a ton of money, but I have about $100 for the day, which isn't amazing or fantastic, but it'll do. I'm just lucky I was able to beg someone to let me have their night shift since that $15 i made at lunch wasn't cutting it...

Tomorrow I have to beg again to get a shift and I'm working Sunday morning for Nate. Maybe I'll try to get a Sunday night, too..

I've had a couple inquiries about the apartment already which is GREAT. I'm hoping to be able to find someone this coming week. I have my favorites already in people, so hopefully Dustin likes them and everything works out...

Ok, so here's the thing. I am absolutely ready to move the 17th IF I can make enough money. It's like... impossible to know if this will happen unless I can GET money and not JUST have to rely on work. I wish I had a credit card (not really, but for this, yes) again so I could just charge the gas and hotel rooms and stuff. UGH. I mean, what am I supposed to do if I'm like "yes, meredith, buy a plane ticket to fly out here on the 16th (to leave the 17th)" and she DOES and then... I have no money. I mean, WHAT THEN? This is so... difficult.

I feel SO BAD for my sister. Just so you know the family financial struggles are not limited to me and my parents, I'll tell you about this horrible fact. So, Jen submitted her FAFSA in January or February. She assumed everything was okay because no one told her it wasn't. Her scholarships didn't cover the full tuition this semester and she doesn't have the cash to pay, so she went to financial aid to see what awards she could get. They told her (surprise!) there was a problem with her FAFSA and made her correct the whole thing over again. This was around my birthday. THEN, she went back today (after resubmitting it a week ago) and now they're practically auditing her FAFSA. They're asking for all this proof about her financial need... NO ONE will help her in the office... I was LIVID. I tried calling their office myself because this is just ridiculous. According to MY awards status as Kent I qualify for one LOAN... but it's the parent loan which I obviously can't take out because of the bankruptcy....

WHAT IS GOING ON?????

How is it that we live in a country where if your parents are divorced and your dad has $300,000 in his CHECKING account, you can just put down your mom's income and get GRANTS, but if your parents are married, bankrupt, losing their house, working for $10,000 a year (and you're not making any more than that), you can BARELY get loans? This is CRAP. We have 3 kids of college age, no place to live, no money at ALL, nothing... and we can barely get loans. I don't understand. I hate the government people in charge of student loans. They're demons.

So, anyway, Jen is obviously upset, AND she's having all these medical problems... the horizon is just about as sunny for her as it is for me. The biggest difference is that Jen is losing any kind of optimistic look on things. She said today it's all she can do to get up in the mornings because this is just too much to deal with for a 20 year old.

Life sucks. I wish we had help.

Wooooo, and look at me! Walking right back into the mess that is Ohio! At least California is a blue state..

I broke a nail at work. I've been growing them since June (filing them, not letting them get freakishly long). I was upset.

Hey, those of you who don't have to worry about how you're going to eat next month, pay for school or rent or ANYTHING... Those of you who aren't afraid your sister has some kind of uterus disease... Those of you who could conceivably have $500 if you had an emergency... Thank God, ok? I realize having no money is probably going to be a life burden for me, and that I could have it much worse... but this still sucks. I would do anything for just a little security....

I made $40 at work. Sadly, I had the same number of tables tonight as I had last night, same section... I just had lower checks. Oh, and the managers are going to be mad at me because the first three tables I had stayed for 2 hours EACH.

And on the very first table... oh jeez... I couldn't tell if one of these people was a guy or a girl. I said "ladies" at first, but then I glanced over and it kind of looked like a guy... so then I said "and for you, sir?" and noticed, no, I was right the first time. It was a girl (seriously, it was so hard to tell). I then apologized and blamed it on the fact that "i've been here all day.." which of COURSE was a lie since they were my first table. Whoops.

I didn't really do anything else today. I slept in and went to work. Tomorrow I have to pay the electric bill, go to work and then try to get another shift for the evening. No one would switch me shifts and I NEED that Friday night money. I'm also probably going to have to do that for Saturday. And maybe Sunday (even though I should go to church. I heard people ACTUALLY make money on Sundays, though), too. Monday and Tuesday I should be on the Suite Life, though, so that'll just be fun.

Renee Olstead was at the restaurant today. It was funny because a lot of people recognized her for being on "Still Standing", but I was the ONLY one who recognized her for being a singer. I wanted to say something, but then I thought it'd be weird so I didn't. I did call Jim, though, because I needed to tell SOMEONE who knew who she was, and he was the only one I could tell.

And you know what I HATE? Talking to Jim now. Not because I don't want to (because obviously I DO), but because it's not the same. He's all business. He answers the phone now like he answers when anyone else calls him. I used to get a special answer. I used to be special to him. That sucks.

Sorry. I'm glad we can at least talk now... but it still sucks. I don't know why I expected it to be different.

I had a good night at work, when you consider how slow we were. I think I was the only one who made a bit of money. $60 on 8 tables. The CLOSERS only had four tables..

So, I was riding pretty high coming home, and then I got paypal messages and people ACTUALLY donated to my "fund", which is UNBELIEVABLE and I am soooo grateful. I mean, I really can't even EXPRESS how nice that is and how much it means to me. God Bless you people.

Anyway, so then THAT was exciting, but then Dustin told me that Kelly is going to move out at the end of this month, which is NOT good. So, now I am ONCE AGAIN on the search for a new roommate. Damnit. I knew the Kelly situation was just too good to be true. The only GOOD thing is Dustin told me our lease is now month to month, so at least I won't have to lose my security deposit no matter what. But I NEED to find someone, because this is an EMERGENCY. I was even thinking about trying to get back BY the 21st of November.

It might be unrealistic, but I was going to TRY.

PS - my two options for moving weekends are to leave on the 17th (we'd be back in Ohio no later than Sunday the 20th, unless you wanted to stop somewhere for longer/something happened) or to leave on Sunday the 27th and be back by the 30th (at the latest). Top two choices for a co-pilot (since Lave can't): Dix-huit and Chriiiiiiiisty Reynolds (I know you'd have to buy TWO tickets, Christy, but it'd be so fun and maybe if we left the earlier weekend I could just drop you off in Cincinnati and you could see your family... ;) )

But, first and foremost, I need to make as much money as I possibly can as FAST as I possibly can and find someone to move in to this apartment. This is all happening WAY too fast. I'm gonna start freaking out pretty soon. Too bad I already sold all of my textbooks before my last move... I still do have those necklaces, though... I can sell them if I know where they are.

I figure, at the BARE minimum I need to have $500 for the MOVE (gas, food and hotels). I also need to get my car checked out beforehand, oil change and any weird repairs. I can sell my computer desk on Craig's list for probably $20... I just offered to include my bed if someone will take over my lease (on a myspace bulletin), so I might not be able to sell that, I'm going to TRY to break down my dresser to lie flat and I am going to take the computer, but probably not the monitor (since it's huuuuuuuge). I guess I'll just try to get rid of whatever else I have that I absolutely don't HAVE to take with me. I would like to have at least $1000 for the move. Which means I need to start, like, selling my eggs or something. Hmmmm....

Oh, uh, maybe I'll find room for the monitor. I don't know why I thought I could get one for $30 from Best Buy. I was WRONG.

Ok, the next couple of weeks are going to officially suck hardcore. I'm gonna be working my ASS OFF.

Everyone I've told so far about the going back to school thing has said they think it's a GREAT idea. Even Brad, who thinks everything I do is hasty, dramatic and stupid said that was the best thing I could possibly do and a decision he'd definitely support. I'm excited AND scared.

I'm putting the button back up because, well, I need as much help as I can possibly get. You people are amazing.

Well, I did it. I finally registered with central casting. There was no point in my doing this, but at least now we SHOULDN'T have as many problems when i try to do the show next week.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go back to school, now. I talked to Dix-huit and Ben and they both said it's probably the best idea. I'm not THRILLED about this... but it makes more sense than just going to NYC. And like I said, it'll still be there in a year and a half....

You ever think about your future and see a black cloud over it? Like the whole thought is dark? That's how I feel about going back... but I guess it's for the best.

Terri is even helping me find a place to live. She's calling her financial aid hook-up to see if they can do anything for me and she said if I can't get back in time for the musical auditions, that I can send in a taped audition.

So, the time is ticking away fast and I need to make some cash to move! If you want to Donate to the "Help Alisa get back to school" fund, you can just click this handy-dandy paypal button I made.

Hahaha, I'm a huge dork. I'm just kidding, too... unless you really want to send me money, in which case I will accept it, because I am worried that I won't be able to get enough money to pay for everything.

Also, I need to start thinking about the drive. I know you offered Lave, but I just can't wait until the 20th. :( If anyone (anyone I KNOW--not just random strangers) wants to come with me, it'll be a fun little cross-country trip and all you'd have to pay for is a one-way plane ticket and some food once in a while. I'm getting all the gas and stuff (since it is my car).

I have a feeling November is going to go really fast. Right NOW, though, I have to get ready for work.

According to tripod my site had 340350 visitors during the month of October.

Unbelievable.

I made $30 at work. We also got our new schedules and once again, I am only working day shifts. I asked Camey today and she said it's because so many people can ONLY work nights. I'm about to say *I* can only work nights because this is in NO WAY fair.

Eric wouldn't let me leave work today. He kept insisting I do side work that he was just MAKING UP to annoy me.

So, I am considering going back to Kent. I didn't really WANT to, because it's going to be hard and MAYBE impossible since I won't be able to stay at my soon-to-be-non-existent house... but it seems to make the most SENSE. If I could start for the spring semester, I'd be able to graduate spring 2007. Of course, this DEFINITELY means I'd have to leave LA by the end of this month, so I kind of need to get working on some stuff if THAT is going to happen. I mean, not having to pay December rent would be a good help, but I STILL need to pay Dustin back, get back on track with a couple of OTHER bills (I wish I could call them and be like "Yes, hi. I know I'm late on this. Can you just HOLD ON for a little bit because I am trying my best."

New York will still be there in the summer of 2007. And it's not like I am "ready" to move there anyway. I actually want to be SUCCESSFUL there, not like... a bum. And I DO want my degree. I don't want to be 30 years old and THEN decide it's time to finish my 20 credits.

I don't know if I'd be able to get enough financial aid, if I'd be able to find a place to stay, if I'd be able to audition for the spring shows... but still, going back to school (in the dead of winter... UGH), just seems like a better idea.

I emailed Terri. She said she'd try to help me with her Terri hook-up skills. I'm going to try to call her sometime this week to ask about the most pressing issues.

Plus, Cain Park is doing "Kiss Me, Kate" AND "Hair." CAN YOU GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT??

I don't want to feel like I'm a loser if I go back, and I hope no one thinks I am, because I'd actually be getting BACK on track.

I don't know. I have a lot to do and a lot to think about. I'm gonna go clean my car right now.

Well, I guess it's not my birthday anymore. I was AWAKE for most of the day, if that counts for anything.

I got up at 6:50 and drove to Santa Ana to try to win those concert tickets... which, of course, I didn't. They were giving out random envelopes so they couldn't even help me. But, whatever, I got a free t-shirt.

Then I drove back up here (and the air was so clear today! It was beautiful out) and showered, took a nap, got some food, cried, found out Kelly and Mark had bought me a birthday cake (that was such a nice surprise!), got ready and went to Rich and Beth's Halloween party.

I can't wait until I get pictures developed from this. It was amazing. I saw some of their figures last year, but never the full thing... man. It was a lot of fun and the best party I've ever been to. It would have been MORE fun had I known more people, but I had a good time. I watched trick or treating for a long time. It was funny any time one of the little kids recognized Cole or Dylan, because they were like "Is that.... is that CODY from the suite life?????" I stayed until about 10, then decided to go home.

Thank you soooooo much to everyone for their birthday wishes. Jen, my parents, Rob, Christy, Katie E, Bryan, Lave, Stevie P, the anonymous people, dix-huit, Jes, Charlie, Kara, Jenny, Matt Smith, Tara, Aileen, Sarah, Ernie, Ben, Ryan, Jim Courim, Katy, Alana, Kate, JD, Anderson, Beth, Dustin, Leona, Kelly and Mark, Jim's mom....and Jim. Yes, Jim.

I didn't think he was going to call. In fact, when I was driving back from Santa Ana I freaked out, called his voice mail and screamed at him for "never caring about me in the first place. It's my BIRTHDAY, how can you DO this to me? You're such a BASTARD! (sob sob sob)" He eventually called me back mid-party... I talked to him for a while and then called him after I left.

I mean, it was what I expected. I cried a lot, told him basically everything I had TIME to tell him (he eventually insisted on getting off the phone)... you know. The first conversation post-breakup. I'm sure you've all been there. It wasn't... good. Not that it was really BAD either, but I wish it would have happened BEFORE today. I feel MOSTLY the same as I did before. He told me not to wish he would come back to me because it wasn't going to happen, I cried. He said I need a support group and to get into therapy, I cried. He said this hurts him to know how bad it hurts me, I rolled my eyes and cried.

As I told him tonight, as far as boyfriends come, Jim sucks at being one. But it didn't matter, because I loved him anyway. I could look past things and only see HIM. It didn't matter that he didn't treat me as well as he should have, that he had no feelings, NOTHING mattered. I JUST loved him. All he had to do was exist. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me how he could throw me away so easily.

I have this.... problem.... where I don't give up. MOST of the time this is a good thing... but not now. Despite everything I know, everything everyone has told me, I STILL have hope. WHY???? I wish I didn't. I wish I could give up this relationship... but for some reason I can't. Maybe I sacrificed too much FOR it... I dunno.

But, then again, I'm not entirely sure I know HOW to give up on people. I just never do it. But maybe I don't want to. In my world everything works out alright.

Too bad MY world is rarely... real.

Now I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here. Literally AND figuratively. I don't know what to do.... I have so many options, and even though everyone tells me this is "the best thing that has ever happened to [me]", I still feel like no matter what I choose, I'll never be happy again.

I really DO need therapy.

Am I really always going to miss Jim? He was everything I always said I wanted in a guy. He was my Ross Gellar.

I just wish I could understand.



Thanks to everyone again, though. I didn't get any presents this year (seriously!) but you helped make my birthday as good as it COULD be.


PS - This post is a little strange, I know. The internet stopped working for an hour half way through and I lost track of where I was really going with it.


PPS - I forgot to mention... My new favorite song is "Monster Mash."