So, Jen and I are packing up the stuff and throwing away... our lives. It's harder than I thought. I mean, I've done this before. I left this side of the country for a year and didn't bring this stuff, why on earth would I need it now?

My graduation robe, creative writing folder, lots of music and copied scripts, cards and letters, tapes I made with my friends and of vacations, day planners... I have to throw it all away. It's not like I could save it somewhere. Most people's parents stay in the same house and get to keep those silly little childhood things to look back on when they're older. A lot of the stuff I WOULD save is unrealistic based on the fact that I'm likely going to be moving a LOT in my life. I can't keep dragging it around with me.

And so... what do you keep? I actually held on to a lot of pictures with the thought "I can show these to my daughter some day." I didn't realize the absurdity in that statement until just now. I always say I don't know if I ever want kids... but maybe deep down I really do. I just want them to be just like me. What I REALLY want is a clone, apparently. But still, I wouldn't want them for like 10 years bare minimum... which to most people is crazy.

I found a card from Jim that I can't believe I didn't bring with me to California... I ALWAYS take stuff like that. It was from our first (observed) Valentine's Day together. I haven't thrown it away yet... but I haven't put it in the box of stuff to keep, either. I just don't know what to do with it. I don't know if I want to pack it away and forget about it again only to find it later and throw it away when I'm over this mess or to just do it now. I don't know if I'm OKAY with finding it someday... nor do I know if I'm okay with never seeing it again. He may not mean it ever again, but he meant it then. Should I just get rid of it? CAN I? Should I try to hold on to the good memories with what little evidence I have or should I not even waste my time?

But then... could I ever REALLY forget how happy we once were?

I can try to. It seems to me that I am always trying to, because it might make things easier. If I would just listen to every single person in my life, I would be totally over him because I could only see his bullshit and his ego an his apparent lack of human compassion. But I know past his walls. I know too much about him to think he's... what everyone tells me he is. I've ALWAYS been able to see through people. I am a REALLY good judge of character. I just don't want to forget that. I don't want to hear how awful he is so many times that I actually start believing that it's the ONLY thing about him. I just don't know if a stupid card is going to stop that.

I want to remember ALL the good things and still be able to get over him. Is that possible? Can I really have it both ways? I don't know... it's not like I have the fondest memories from my previous relationships. I want this to be different because it WAS different... but I don't know if it can be.

And so, I continue throwing away my life, hoping that the memories that do stay with me are the ones I want to....







"George: So, my whole life, everything, all I get to keep are thoughts and memories?
Rube: That's all we ever have, Peanut."
- Dead Like Me