Anyone have any advice on how to... fight every instinct I have and not ever read Jim's blog or talk to him or try to find out what's going on in his life?

I just realized... if he starts dating someone, I will NOT be able to handle it. I couldn't even handle it a month ago when I found that secret blog and nothing even happened, then. ESPECIALLY if he starts dating someone from Tribe or someone who he HASN'T just met... I mean, I'm never gonna be able to think he didn't break up with me FOR them. I don't care how far into the future it may be. That's all I'm gonna think. Especially if it's Kessia.

This is so hard. And it's like... every day I find reasons of why it's even harder. HOW LONG am I going to be like this? I don't want to hate him, and if I never talk to him again or try to ignore his existence I WILL... but I am not going to be able to DEAL with the future. I can't google stalk him forever because I eventually WILL find something that kills me... and even if I don't, he'd eventually talk about it on his blog... and I CANNOT read posts that are like the ones he wrote about me when we first started dating. I can't even believe he ever felt that way before me or ever will again. I know it's stupid... and it's not true, but I really just want to believe that I was special.

I hope this is just because I'm going stir crazy, stressed over the move and waiting for school to start, waiting to start working out, waiting for... everything. There's no WAY I could still be like this when I have my life back... right?

I just don't know what to do. I can't imagine not reading his blog anymore or NEVER seeing him online... but I also can't imagine him ever seeing someone else. And since the latter option isn't extremely likely...

I just wish HE would stop posting so I didn't have to stop going. I may be brave, but I am certainly not strong. I need.... a lot of help.

Haha, I thought moving would cure this. I thought getting away and eliminating the risk of running in to him somewhere would make this a lot easier. Well, let me just tell you something. I didn't think this through. Our relationship was, for almost a year, most conducted online (and monthly visits and nightly phone calls--but MOSTLY online). And now I'm back in the place where I was when we were long distance. I might not be reminded of him every time I drive south of the hill... but I'm reminded of him every time I use the computer.

It's not like I can stop going online.

I'd much rather run in to him in the store, guys.



I was writing this post thinking "I shouldn't be typing this." This is SO the stuff of little, locked diaries. I mean, it's nearly 5am, and I'm admitting to the world that I'm still crazy in love with a guy who not only broke up with me, but who lives in California and really won't even communicate with me, anymore. I shouldn't be telling you all about this. Well... really, I shouldn't be FEELING like this. But I am. And hopefully someday I won't be.. but until then... I only have this.