Ok, ok ok. I know you were all hanging on the edge of your seats for an update. Sit back. It's ok.

Last night was horrible. I mean, imagine the worst thing ever, and then imagine me falling on the floor because I can't walk anymore. And then times it by... a million. And there you have the level of horrible last night was. I've never seen Jim so heartless. It was just business. It was an agenda... get the cat, break up with girlfriend, go home. He was in such a hurry, he wouldn't listen to me.... he didn't even try to do this tactfully, it was just MEAN. I hope I never see him like that again, because it was scary.

So, anyway, he leaves and I crawl to Kellee's room. When I stopped crying, I stopped... and haven't started again. We talked, she gave me a muscle relaxer, I eventually went to bed. (I got to talk to Alison, too, at 5:30 when she got my text message. All I was thinking was "God, I wish I had another muscle relaxer.")

Here was the problem, though... I didn't really get to SAY anything to Jim. He wouldn't have heard it if I did, anyway. I was using my angry defense and he was using his never-before-seen robot defense. I told Kellee how he said we shouldn't communicate for a while but how I still needed to say things to him. She said that was stupid and if he wouldn't even listen to me it was totally his loss.

So, I text messaged him. And eventually I got him to call me. And to my relief he said it WAS important enough to talk about in person.

And I wrote down a lot I needed to say and went to work (which was stupid) and then I went to his house to talk.

He immediately apologized for last night, which was a relief. We had a pretty normal conversation... I told him about stuff that happened while he was gone, let him read my 6 pages of stuff I needed to say... we got things worked out. I'm putting it this way: we're on the road to recovery.

I feel like a drama queen. But man, if you would have been there you would understand. It was HARSH.

Anyway, I ended up realizing that this isn't all Jim's fault (I know... WHAT?!?! ;) ), but that we are both really stuck in a rut. I'm doing NOTHING, I'm not living up to any of my potential... it was just a bad situation. I need to go to church, I need to sing, I need to try harder, I need to do something that will fulfill me, I need to take RISKS. You all know I like to pretend that I'm perfect... but I know I'm not.

So, we agreed to work. I mean, that's basically it. I didn't know going in to tonight if my getting to talk to him would do anything---I was prepared either way. I planned for the worst and hoped for the best. I was already thinking of what I was going to do with myself with all my free time. It was all pretty...boring (ie: work out... which would have ended badly because any time I would have heard a song by Coldplay I would have cried).

You can't have a relationship without effort by both parties. You can't make YOURSELF better if you're just festering and you're definitely not improving anyone else's life. We both have a lot to work on... and it's NOT going to be the same. But frankly, maybe that's good.

So, yeah, Jim said to forget yesterday ever happened. :)