So, I was laying on the floor finishing the nightly situps and about to go to bed when I realized something. This is going to sound really mean, but I haven't realized anything amazing in a couple of days so just... hold on. I am really sick of being happy for other people.

What I would LIKE is to be happy for myself.

I am tired of responding with "if it couldn't be me, I'm glad it was you"---and NOT just in the situation some of you are thinking of. Yes, they're my friends and yes, I AM happy for them (usually) but come ON, here. I work hard (when I care), I'm talented, I'm smart and funny and I'm not like... hideous. I'm even easy to work and get along with! I don't want to be happy for everyone else! If it continues I won't be happy at all anymore!

I hate that I can always find the silver lining. I HATE IT. I know it's a good quality to have and I end up defending people who don't even deserve it which I guess is the "right thing to do" and all... but you know what? One day I am just going to get angry. Even angrier than MySpace Alisa. Someday something is going to happen, despite my working as hard as possible, and I am just NOT going to be ok with it. I'm going to revel in the fact that I am not okay with [this hypothetical situation] and dance in the darkness of my pain. And I'll admit all the things I think about sending in to post secret and all of my FEELINGS and views and opinions and I'll be throwing sandwiches and ripping up photographs and people are gonna be like "WHAT HAPPENED to Alisa?!?!?" and others will say "She had enough."

Because I am TIRED of taking all the responsibility... sometimes other people make the wrong choice but I sit here and I defend them and blame it on myself or I try to find out how *I* went wrong. <----And it probably *IS* my fault! See?!?! I can't even do it in my hypothetical blog situation.

I just want to be irrationally mad about something someday and for no one to tell me otherwise and for me to not see how it could possibly be fair or appropriate under any circumstances. THAT is what I want.

And I DO want to get married some day. Some day far away. But kids?? I just DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!