AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


WHY WHY WHY do I have the worst life EVER???

Ok ok ok ok.... today had started out pretty good. Terri called me back for EVERY ROLE except Rapunzel, which I thought was a good thing. So, I went to kent and got my sides and then went to Cuyahoga Falls, where I got a job as a server at the OG (yay!). It was starting to get pretty crappy weather-wise out, so I just went to Kent to hang out until 7.

I got to see a lot of people, which was really nice. I was sitting in the green room with Bryan and said to him "I want to see jessie so bad. I hope she can sense the brain waves I am sending her to come over here." Who should come by not thirty seconds later? Jessie Rubin. It was just thrilling. Anyway, callbacks went REALLY well for me. I THINK I did really, really well at ALL the roles she called me back for.

She said the cast list would go up tonight, and since I won't be there tomorrow, I decided to wait... and then karl came around with it... and I looked... and I actually SPOKE these next words:

"Oh my God, my worst nightmare has come true."

Now, before anyone gets on my case, YES, I am HAPPY TO BE CAST. I realize I have a really good role and it is one I always said I wanted to play... at some point. I was just thinking it would be in about 30 years and not at age 23.

Because she cast me as Jack's Mom.

What was I saying just one week ago? "I'm afraid since I'll be older than most of the people that she'll only consider me for the adult roles. I just don't want to be Jack's Mom."

I did an AMAZING job tonight. Apparently she must have wanted someone REALLY GOOD to play Jack's Mom. And now I'm just gonna have to be the freaking BEST JACK's MOM EVER.

Which will be hard since I am neither in my 50s nor hideously ugly.

Oh, and to top it all off, John Moauro is playing Jack... and he played Rocky with me the second year I did the show. And now I'm his MOM. We like pretend made out on stage and now I'm his... mom.

SOOOOOOOOOO.... like I said, I am happy to be cast. And Jack's mom IS a good role, and she's really funny and she gets to sing... but I CANNOT pretend I'm not ridiculously disappointed. I mean, really. WHAT does she want from me?? There will never be a time in my life when I would be better at one of the four leads... and I'll never get to prove this. Because apparently I am never supposed to be one of my "practiced" roles in this show.

As Dan said, "Don't worry. Kent State is a joke."

I WILL BE THE BEST GODDAMN JACK'S MOM THERE EVER WAS.

Wow, I think my last entry got more positive comments than any other entry. FIVE. One on the twin blog, one is person, and three on this site. Go me.

I went with my parents to see Harry Potter today. I liked it a lot... obviously. Although, I didn't feel like there was enough of ANY of the other characters and I think if I wouldn't have read the books I would be REALLY confused. I cried when Cedric died... and when they all came out of Voldemort's wand. He was SO SCARY!

My check engine light came on today. Woo freaking hoo. I also think I need a new back tire (one of the older ones). I hope this is nothing serious because A. I have NO money (none. Really.) and B. just fixed a bunch of crap in my car. Be okay for ONCE, car!

I had my audition for Into the Woods today. It was sooo scary. I sang "No One is Alone" and "Moments in the Woods"... then Terri asked me to sing "Last Midnight." It was pretty okay. I never know how to sing that note in "Last Midnight," though... YOU know the one (or maybe you don't). I was honestly very surprised she had me sing THAT, though and not "I Know Things Now." Perhaps I've grown up in her eyes? Who knows. Griffin is going to call me if I get called back... I hope I do. I've wanted to do this show (at least, a REAL production of this show. There were the "productions" I did with Jen playing all the boy roles and me playing all the girls for Grandma, but I don't think those count)since I was 10 years old... and I'm more ready emotionally now than I've ever been before.

So, tomorrow's agenda includes MAYBE going in to schedule my classes with TK, going to the OG to hopefully get a job, hopefully going to callbacks that night... I hope ALL the things I just listed happen.

I also want to see my friends. I saw Griffin on my way in tonight and it was sooooo nice.

There haven't been a lot of movies I've been "able" to watch lately. They're either too sad, too romantic, or they remind me of something dealing with Jim. I watched Legally Blonde tonight, though. I hadn't seen it since it came out in theatres, but what a great movie.

I was kind of in the same situation as Elle... she thought everything was great in the relationship, then he surprise dumps her one day. He didn't think she was smart enough, capable enough, serious enough... he basically didn't believe in her. This is exactly what was going on with me and Jim.

I am SO SICK of feeling like I should be nice to him. Perhaps if I stay "loyal" to him even while we're not dating, when something happens he'll see that and come back to me. I've seen people I know REALLY well do this. Well, you know what? That is bullshit. *I* should not be the one who is depressed... I should NOT feel like I need to prove myself to him. First of all, what has HE ever done that would make me feel (or him view me as) inferior in ANY way? Go to school for the rest of his life and have NO real goals or ambitions?? Be really opinionated about stuff and throw his ideas away? Be a complete ZOMBIE when it comes to interacting with people? WOW! Way to go with THAT, Jim!

And secondly, and more importantly, how can he be so BLIND to not see the things he thinks aren't there in me? EVERYONE ELSE CAN SEE THEM. I've never had a problem with people thinking I wasn't smart enough before Jim. And being "serious" is a joke. I always told him, if I would have gotten a minor in political science and ran against him in some type of electoral race, I would have beaten him, hands down. People do not like, nor do they "relate" to freaking robots. There has got to be SOME element of charm (hence why I wanted John Edwards for presidential ticket rather than John Kerry). I'll freaking charm your PANTS OFF. Jim will bore you to death.

I have never needed to prove myself to anyone in my life.... until Jim. I am sick of his crap, his boringness, his inability to feel ANYTHING, his neglect, his stubbornness, his selfishness, his superiority complex. I am sick of how fake he became in Los Angeles. I am REALLY sick of how much he craved the approval of the people from Tribe. I mean, really. It shouldn't take THAT much work to get people to like you.

Maybe playing hard to get really IS the way to go! Jeez!

I am sooooo allowed to be furious about this. How could someone break up a 2 year relationship because he was too blind to see the things that are already there that he wants?? Why did he ever start dating me in the first place if he thought I didn't have the "qualifications" he needed? HELLO, JIM. Did you just forget??

You know what, though? Screw that guy. It is completely and totally his loss. Now I am going to go back and finish the degree I should have never taken time away from in the first place, I'm going to do some theatre, I'm going to move to NYC without ANY backward glances... I'm gonna be fuckin FABULOUS and he'll still be in school without any real goals or ambitions.

You know who wins HERE, Jim? ME.


If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life.... you're not the girl I thought you were. - Legally Blonde







(PS - I accept the consequences of keeping my diary on the internet, open to the public. You choose to read it.)

Right before Jim broke up with me I started having bad dreams... but since then, they have like TRIPLED in frequency.

And now they're all about him.

And I wake up and I'm SO MAD.

The worst part is that they're usually semi-realistic. Like last night, I had this dream he came to Ohio to visit me... and brought a new girlfriend. It was the first I heard about the girlfriend, and I was sooooo crazy angry.. I kept trying to sabotage her life. But, I can really see him doing that to me! It's like he has completely forgotten that I ever meant anything to him. I'm starting to wonder if I ever did. I just can't understand how he can do what he's doing... how he can just forget I exist, without another thought towards the matter. It hurts so much since I am such a mess about it, and he is just FINE. I just wish he freaking CARED that he messed up my whole life and I wish I knew that he felt SOME kind of regret or pain or sadness or ANYTHING other than stony indifference.

I was going to go see Harry Potter (alone) today, but then I found out my dad had to go to the hospital, so I just stayed home.

He was acting really weird yesterday; breathing funny, being "confused"... but he said nothing was wrong. Today he left for Sandusky at 11 and at 3pm his boss was calling the house asking where he was. That scared ME more than it seemed to scare Jen, but then she called mom at work and mom told us he went to the hospital. Jen started crying immediately, so I took the phone. I guess his heart was beating really fast. He called us like half an hour later saying he was coming home. I mean, I guess he's ok because they probably wouldn't let him leave the hospital if he wasn't. Regardless, it was scary, and they gave him more medicine and he'll be home until Wednesday.

Dad's had a LOT of heart problems (surgeries starting when he was only in his 20s), so you kind of have to take everything seriously.

We can't celebrate Thanksgiving until next Monday because my mom is working so she can get the double time and my dad will be working. Of course, IF I get cast in Into the Woods, the first rehearsal/read-thru might be on Monday, so I might miss Thanksgiving altogether.

Yesterday I went to Kent as I said I would. Terri had already signed me up for an audition time, and then I saw Bryan, who told every single person we passed that I was back (half these people were like "...who?"). I was so nervous. It was so scary. I copied some stuff from the score, but I don't have anyone to practice piano with, so this is going to be... interesting. Terri came in while I was copying and I almost cried when she hugged me... I kind of didn't want to see her until I auditioned. That's not why I almost cried, though. It was just... a lot of stuff. Anyway, then I saw Ryan Washabaugh, which was sooo nice, and then I went to financial aid. They got my loan going, I paid that loooong overdue bill, and now I am officially registered for TWO classes. Only two because I need permission to register for theatre classes, and most of the classes I wanted to take were already filled. Right now I am planning on a Tues-Thurs ONLY semester, so I can work the other three days.

I'm going to go in to the OG on Monday and hopefully they'll give me a job. I need money SOOOOO bad...

I also went to see Jen play the oboe in Amahl at Akron.... she did well. The show was kind of funny. I don't really like the MUSIC but it was sung very well.

Hopefully I'll get to see Harry Potter tomorrow... I can't believe I've waited this long already.

I'm pretty hurt by the fact that Jim can so easily "erase" me from his life. He updates his blog, completely omits any reference to me, but KEEPS Becky on there? Really, Jim? Not only was I with him longer, but *I* didn't screw him up emotionally. All I did was contribute to the awesome factor in his life and he just throws me away like garbage... but he remembers to keep becky on there.

Bastard.

So, driving sucks. A lot. And I HATE the west. Every day we were like "Arizona sucks," "New Mexico sucks," "Texas really sucks." And they did. Missouri is OKAY.... but not really. I did stop in St. Louis to see Lauren's show, though. It was fun and I'm glad I got to see her.

Dix Huit and I had a lot of fun making fun of people from Sterling. The best was when I referred to Flora as "Flora George Big Walnut Creekus" (because we passed over the Big Walnut Creek) and then the movie we are going to make called "From Stripper to Sterling: The [JM] story." The last day went by with a lot more laughter because of those little things. And the "cast list" for our movie. Danny DiVito as Flora... hahaha.

And yeah, I realize MOST people have no idea why the above paragraph would be funny at all... but it was.

So, tonight I am going to see Jen play in Amahl and the Night Visitors. Today I need to go to Kent to sign up for an audition time and see if Conni is there in financial aid... because I neeeeeeed her. In fact, I need to start doing this stuff, so I better go.

PS - It's frickin freezing.

I'm really tired... and my body is shaking for driving for the past... 23 years.

But we're back. I had a really good time with the Dix Huit and we didn't even get pulled over! Thank God. I'll update more tomorrow, right now I need to think about going to bed...

I'm leaving today. :(

Bye bye.

I'll update when we get back.

Dix Huit says hi.

Kelly came back. Neither of us has said anything to him but he did walk into the kitchen and THROW his groceries. What a freaking baby. I think it's hilarious that his way of showing us "he means business" is to remove us from his myspace friend's list. Like I CARE.

Anyway, last night Dustin and I went to Justin's apartment and then Erin came. Justin lives in the Grand, right outside the Galleria and it's amazing. Plus, he pays the same as we did at Archstone and the place is waaaaay better. I was jealous. We didn't watch the movie, but we did sit there and talk until 2am. It was fun. Until I started to crash from my lack of sleep.

I watched Monsters Inc today to make up for not watching it last night and I cried, as I knew I would.

I also took my old clothes to goodwill, changed my address at the post office, mailed a letter, got my hair trimmed, returned the knitting kit I bought at Target (hahaha... I wonder if i SERIOUSLY thought I would want to knit or if I was just crazy when I bought that), drove around Griffith Park (in the DAYTIME for once!), put my last Suite Life check in the bank and now I'm moving stuff down to my car. I don't want to put EVERYTHING in tonight since I gotta go to LAX, but I plan on filling up the trunk, at least.

:(

I talked to Lauren last night. It was nice. We actually talked for like an hour. I'm gonna try really hard to come see her in Junie B Jones in St. Louis, but like I told her, I can't make any promises. However, I will definitely be passing THROUGH, so I did tell her I'd call and see if we can stop by, if nothing else. That should be fun.

Dix Huit gets here in... well, 5 hours. But, besides the fact that it means I'm moving, I can't wait to see her! It's been over a year...

I know this is the best thing... but it sucks so bad. While driving today I was reminded of when I used to come visit here... and that made me really sad. I still keep hoping I'm going to wake up from this.... but the hope lessens every day.

Oh my God, last night was one of the worst nights EVER. I've gotten used to getting woken up when drunk Kelly comes in in the middle of the night, and yeah, sometimes they're really loud, but it isn't usually a BIG deal. Anyway, sometimes they also bring complete strangers who are also drunk home so that they don't drive... it's NICE, but really weird. I don't really feel great about having people not even THEY know over.

So, anyway, last night was one of those nights. Kelly, Mark and the strangers got in at about 5:30am, making a TON of noise, laughing in the living room and then I heard Mark say something along the lines of me yelling at them the other night (all I said was "Guys, please" because it was 3:30am) when they came in and how I was "freaking out" and dropping the f-bomb all over the place. So I was like "Mark, I can HEAR you. You know I didn't say ANY of that." And then he ran away and Kelly started laughing HYSTERICALLY and then they proceeded to sit in the living room and MAKE FUN OF ME knowing that I could hear them! I couldn't believe it. I called Dustin because I knew if I went down there I was gonna throw punches, and my heart was beating soooo fast. Dustin came out and then he and Kelly fought for TWO HOURS. Oh, God. It was so awful. I felt so bad for getting Dustin involved (he would have woken up anyway since they were so loud, though). I cried a lot. Dustin really stood up for me and defended me. Kelly is such an incredible bastard. He has ZERO consideration for anyone else and every time he tried to DEFEND his actions, his explanations didn't even make any sense. He said *I* showed him no respect by not telling him I wanted to move the minute he moved in. He said that he comes in and said hi to me all the time and I ignore him (which, clearly, never happened. I usually run to open the door for him and say hi. I barely KNOW him, so I don't talk to him a lot, but I have never IGNORED him). Dustin also let slip about one of my away messages I had up when I was really sad and how Kelly and Mark made fun of me after reading it. Dustin told him to move out today... I don't think he will, but he's not here now. It doesn't really matter to me THAT much since I'm pretty sure this was my last night in the apartment (I'm hopefully selling my bed today). I just don't want to SEE that creep ever again.

I don't care if he was "just drunk." He's a CREEP.

Dustin is... jeez... the nicest guy ever, though. I still can't believe how he just went out there to defend me. After Kelly stormed off to his room, I went down to apologize for bringing him into it and thank him, and give him a hug and he said "It's ok... I mean, Kelly was my friend, but I love you."

:( :( :(

Dustin wins the #1 spot on the Men of 2005.



So, after that, I couldn't sleep until about 9am... and I had my alarm set for 9:30 so I could get up for work. I had the WORST headache but no tylenol in the house. I ended up sleeping until 10:30, then went to work, which was horrible since I was so tired. I also felt really sick and didn't exactly LOOK very good, either. I took two tables... $14 on my last day... wooo..

I'm hoping to watch Monsters Inc with Justin Stevenson tonight and perhaps some others. He didn't call me back, though, so WHO KNOWS what is going on.

Jeez, I have so much I need to do and half of it I can't even do yet (go to the post office, call the utility people to have them transfer the stuff into Dustin's name, more of the same). I don't even know if I am working the Suite Life tomorrow, either. In all reality, although I need the money, I have too much to do and SHOULDN'T do the show.

I don't want to take the turnpike when I drive. At all. Sooooo... I'm thinking the 10 to the 15 to the 40.... stay on the 40 until the 55N, take that up to St. Louis, PERHAPS see Lauren's show since she'll be there at the same time and then take the 70 back up to Ohio. It would be fun to see the show. St Louis is only 8 hours from Akron, so we could leave at 1ish, be back by 9ish... of course, I have to approve this with the Huit-master, too. We'd have to get to St. Louis (or near enough to drive there in a couple of hours) by the end of the second day, which probably won't be a problem. Let's make it WORK! Yeeeeaaaahhh..

Yay! Monsters Inc is ON for tonight!

Ok, gotta go disassemble the bed...

Today was... weird. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that I may HAVE to pay rent for December out here, which SUCKS, but I suppose it could be worse... right? RIGHT???

Anyway, I went to work and I wanted to explain to my manager Camey why I'm leaving (she asked yesterday right before I was about the greet a table and then I started to cry, so I told her I'd tell her later). I think she felt bad for me. She's a pretty emotionless lady (she's really NICE and she tries to make things fun for us, but she also wants to be REALLY professional, so it's kind of conflicting interests), but she looked sad. She also offered to help me get a job at another MG or Chilli's if I need to, which was REALLY unexpected since I gave barely a week's notice of my departure. I was trying SO HARD not to cry when I was talking to her that my face started to tingle. I felt lightheaded for HOURS after the conversation.... in fact, I STILL feel lightheaded. I was really unsuccessful in not crying, too, so I probably could have avoided this lightheadedness.

I made $75 because a lot of my tables sat forever... including the last one who stayed until after midnight (we closed at 11 and they had their food BY then). They tipped me over 20%... but still.

Tomorrow is my last day. It's pretty sad. But Justin (st.) Stevenson and I are going to see a movie afterwards, which will be fun! Yaaaaaay Justin!

I think some guy is coming to buy my bed tomorrow. I hope so. I need the monies.

You know what movie I have absolutely no interest in seeing for... a long time? The Notebook. I've never seen it before (yeah, I know) and I think if I saw it anytime in the near future that I'd want to die.

I should go to bed. Lightheadedness and me aren't mixing well.

I didn't update yesterday... Hmmmm...

Ok, well, the better of the two girls that came by on Thursday decided to just stay with her cousin until January... and I'm not 100% sure the OTHER one liked the place enough to want to rent it out. It's not like I HAVE to find someone before i MOVE... I'd just have to leave the interviewing to Dustin. If I have to, I'll pay rent while I'm not here until he can find someone... but I really don't want to. Obviously. Sigh... this sucks.

I made $100 last night, which was nice. I had a party of 15 or something that tipped me $50 on $235. They were a pretty difficult party... everyone wanted something special with their food and the two younger boys seemed to think they were the only ones at the table, but at least it was WORTH the trouble. My friends Justin and Vikki also came in to see me. They brought me cards and stayed for like two hours, which made me really happy. :) I was really glad I got to see them a little before I go... but Justin likes to go to NYC a lot, so he said he'd come visit me when I move there. Yay!

Vikki said she won't ever go to Ohio because she's seen the movie "Gummo" too many times.

I work again tonight at 4, so hopefully it goes as well as last night in money making (or better).

This is funny... and TRUE. Sometimes I feel like I know who the Ohio-equivalents are.

Jen is SO SICK. I feel so bad for her.

The two girls came over. They were both really nice, although I think one would fit in better with Dustin than the other. Fingers crossed!

Kelly finally came home. He hasn't been here since Friday. I guess he was in Arizona or something. I had to show his room without him even knowing.

Hmm... I'm getting pretty sleepy. I slept until freaking 11:15, so that's kind of weird. Maybe it's because I've been running around so much the last couple of days.

I can't wait to get back home if for no other reason than going to work. I know that sounds weird, but I can't wait to start to make money.

I got the birthday present from Christy today! :) It was so nice of her. She sent me the Killers CD, the Death Cab for Cutie CD and another CD (which I can't remember the name of, because it's in the car). She's so sweet.

I work tomorrow and Saturday nights and Sunday morning... and I think I'm doing the Suite Life on Monday, too. On Sunday I officially become AFTRAe. All I have to do is pay my dues in full and I'm an official member. Woooooo.

I hope I can find a place in Kent to live. I hope a LOT of things....

I LOVE Christmas! I went in to Starbucks today and it was all decked out... and they brought back the peppermint frappuncinos... :) I think I just like themes, though. I like any holiday where people act differently than normal. I'd say I wish it were Halloween, Valentine's Day or Christmas ALL the time, but then you'd never notice the difference.

I have two girls coming by to look at the apartment today. They both SEEM pretty nice (based on the little I know about either of them).

Last night I was packing and getting rid of stuff in my room and it literally made me sick to my stomach. I HATE to do this. I would give anything in the world to have this whole situation not be real.

I think dix huit is coming in on Monday night. I'll show her around LA on Tuesday and then we'll either leave that evening or on Wednesday morning. The only perk to leaving on Wednesday is one less night in a hotel. Maybe I'll just show her around with all my stuff in my car so we can leave directly from... showing her around. This is one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me. I hope she has a good time. PS - Miss Huit, if you want to bring any CDs for the ride, feel free. :)

I've done so much growing up over the last year. Mostly the last month, though. It's funny... because I thought I understood stuff before, but I realize I had no idea what it's like to feel so trapped and hopeless and start climbing your way out of it. I really feel like I understand the bitterness people can have for so long and why they would want to protect someone from it. I also now know what it's like when you think you're totally alone only to "discover" the people who have ALWAYS been there. I have so many freaking friends, I have God, I have my amazing family... and somehow I was able to look past everyone because I was so sad. I don't think I was ever qualified to give advice to anyone about ANYTHING until now. It's good and kind of horrible at the same time.

I guess it's just unfortunate that you can't find these things out until you experience something as life-shattering/heart breaking as this.

I'm still crazy, though.

Anyway, I gotta go buy some light bulbs... I'll write later...

You wouldn't THINK that doing background stuff is tiring... and yet, it is. Leona told me before the first time I did it that I'd be tired, despite not doing that much and she was right. Something about the set... and probably the fact that I had to get up to early with not a lot of sleep.

Anyway, I had a pretty good time yesterday. I made friends with a woman named Caroline and this guy, Tony, who is ALWAYS the doorman on the show. They were both really nice.

My parents gave me some more money so I was able to fix my brakes today. They are so nice. I'm also glad I won't die now.

Dix huit is definitely coming on the drive with me, although we're still trying to figure out what day she is getting here/when we're leaving. We might be leaving as early as Tuesday, now (she has to work that weekend). It'll be a lot of fun, though... and we'll need a lot of caffeine.

Today Jim and I met for breakfast so we could say goodbye. It wasn't really... a GOOD time... but I'm glad it happened. I made fun of him a lot, but really, can you blame me? It just sucks... and it sucks that I have to LEAVE to get over this... but I don't see any other way. I'm just going to miss him so much...

I ALSO met with Ed and Erin for dinner at Mel's. Ed is really nice and paid for ALL of us. It was a really nice time and I'm glad we could all hang out. He got a new job and he's making more money than he has bills to pay now, which is AMAZING!!! I hope that happens to me someday... :) I'll miss them a lot.

I went to work today and made $10. Wooooo.

Tonight I need to clean my apartment and tomorrow (and probably Saturday) I'm gonna be having a couple of people come over to see if they want to sublet. I need to get SOMEONE!

I'm also gonna list my bed on craig's list tonight. Jeez... so much is going on.

I'm really, really tired and tomorrow is going to be another really long, probably bad, day... so I'll just say these things:

A. I was working on the suite life for 12 hours and it was tiring.

B. I stole this from pinkisthenewblog.com

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

So, since I had to be out of the apartment all day today I decided to get my oil changed. While I was there the mechanic said "uhh... yeah. You need to come here and look at your tires. I'm surprised they haven't exploded." So, I looked, and he was right. The one was about to tear away and the other wasn't much better. So, after that, I went to firestone to get new tires, and THEN they told me my brakes were almost gone too! I'm like.... ugh. The guy (Gus) tried to help me out by calling a bunch of places to get the lowest price possible... he eventually got the price knocked down from like $280 to $190. He was SO nice and I think he felt really bad for me because I was... pathetic. My parents are, once again, sending me money that they don't have to get the brakes fixed (since I obviously can't drive home with bad brakes), and since I spent ALL my money on the tires. So... I'm back to zero dollars. Again. :(

We're still trying to work out some details about the plan home, but I really think it's a go for the weekend of the 17th. Dix huit, I'll call you tomorrow. My mom offered to drive with me, too, but I don't know that spending ANOTHER $150 on a plane ticket and the money she's already giving me (and GAVE me last month) is a good idea. We'll talk about it...

Now I just gotta get someone for the apartment...

Eric suggested I sell my necklaces in the jewelry district downtown. This is the only idea that's been good about them so far. I just have to get someone to go with me because SCARY! I hope I can get enough....

Tomorrow is Suite Life so I need to get to bed pretty early. I didn't get to talk to Paul today so I'll try to call him tomorrow morning on my way to the studio. I made $45 at work tonight, all my tips were good and I was pretty happy while there, too. I was also STRANGELY funny... I told Nate how I was afraid I was going to have to file for and he was like "right NOW?" and I said "yes. RIGHT now. I'm going to have to file bankruptcy to be able to tip people out tonight." I laughed about that for... minutes. He said not to worry because he's going to start taking drawing lessons so he can make the comic strip about me and he'll give me a percentage of the profits. Haha... I love Nate.

I feel kind of sick... I'm afraid the "fumigation" from today might have somehow poisoned me.

I went to the OG today to visit Joe V and Anderson. It was really nice. Pedro came in right before I left, which was ALSO so nice. I'm so glad I got to see him again before I left. I couldn't bear to tell him I was moving to go back to school, though... he told me he still hadn't gotten his vacation yet and then added "maybe next year!" God, I love Pedro. He's so freaking adorable. I wish everyone could know him. Anyway, Anderson bought me lunch (or maybe he and Joe BOTH did and split the cost? I'm not quite sure how they worked that out...) and I got to talk to them for like 2 hours. Those two... jeez... don't tell my other california friends this (and no offense if anyone is reading this!) but they are probably the two most important people I met here. I care about them SO MUCH and I swear, I don't think I will ever meet two nicer guys than Joe V and Anderson. They were just so... real.

JD also stopped in while I was there, which was a hoot. I love HIM, too. :)

Ok, so I MAY have figured out what is happening with UPS and not getting any packages. I think, maybe they TRIED to deliver them, but since we don't have a phone they couldn't call us to let them into the apartment. Maybe they didn't want to leave them outside and the manager wasn't in, so they are holding them for me? This is the only conclusion I could come to. I'm going to call tomorrow and see if they can tell me anything different. They could have left a note on the outside gate because I never would have known--- i NEVER use the outside gate. Anyway, hopefully they have stuff for me, otherwise it's lost. And i'll be sad.

Wow, I had a lot of stuff to talk about tonight.

Gasp! and gleeeeeeee!!!!! I'd be there for every second!

Someone wrote the comment "u have way 2 much time on ur hands." That is absolutely true (I THINK, since they didn't really use english). And do you know why? Because my boyfriend who used to take up a good chunk of my time broke up with me. If I'm not at work, I'm doing nothing. It sucks ALL THE TIME.

Sadly, I was at work from 11:30-4:15 today and made... $30. Mostly 10% tips combined with slowness... yet, we were on a wait because the kitchen was so backed up that our tables were there FOREVER. My last table was a nightmare. I hated them. They left me even less than 10% and everything was PERFECT. They're just jerks. I am SO OVER this crap...

I called my former OG manager, Paul today... I'm gonna talk to him more indepthly tomorrow to see if he can give me a recommendation for either my old OG or the fairlawn one. I don't think I want to transfer with the MG... plus, it seems like it CAN'T be a bad idea to stay with the company that has auto-grat on all tables after 3pm in the Times Square location... :) And no ridiculous side work!

I was going to go to church, but since I didn't get off work until so late and needed to be ON the subway by 4:45 (and I was barely getting home then), I guess I am going to skip. I thought about driving, but gas is so expensive and I need to save my money. As we all know. Maybe I'll just take the subway for fun tomorrow and go to McArthur Park or something since I have to be out of the apartment all day.

I'm also going to get to talk to Terri's financial aid lady, Conni, tomorrow, which I am SO exacted about. I hope she can help me.

It feels good to have a plan. Knowing I'm actually going to be doing something for myself has made me the happiest I've been since... October 11th.

God Bless Tuck at work. For the second week he's let me go into his section, when he needed money. Today he even transferred a check over to me and let me keep the tip on a table I didn't do anything for. He is my MG savior.

Sadly, I didn't make a lot of money tonight. I THOUGHT I had made more, but... I had this table of 8 19 year olds, and when I was counting their money the first time, I was counting the $10s as $20s, so I thought they left me $25 on $100. At the end of the night I realized, nope, they left me $5 on $100. I was sooooo pissed about that. I also had this party of 20... 10 kids. Luckily the parents tipped me $32 on $160, so it made up for it. I made $70 tonight. Too bad it could have been $90 if those kids wouldn't have been so effing cheap.

Tuck's continuous generosity made me think a lot tonight about how amazing so many people in my life are. I like to think that I'm a relatively good person. I care about people really deeply and I try to help them when I can. I paid it forward once, to jenni jarrell. ;) I hope that the support I've gotten from so many in the last couple of weeks is because of my past but also to help me remember in the future what I need to do. As much as everything sucks right now (and it does), there are some really amazing people out there who obviously care about me a lot. And I've still got good old God. If NOTHING else, I've still got Him.

I have to work again tomorrow morning. I guess the Suite Life only needs REAL adults on Monday, so I'm only gonna be there on Tuesday of this week. I picked up a Monday night shift but I need to be gone the whole day because they are "fumigating" the apartment. Not a big one with the tent and stuff, just a little one. I haven't seen any bugs, so I don't know if it's THAT big a deal, but whatever. It's not like I can stop them.

Tomorrow after work I'm gonna try to go to church and then clean up/sort/pack some. Hopefully this week I remember in Union Station NOT to get on the second train in the station that doesn't even go where I'm going.

Oh yeah, and I just TODAY got a package from Dix Huit that she mailed on Oct 27th for my birthday. The packaging was all beaten up... I HATE OUR MAIL!! I still haven't gotten Jen's over nighted CD... sigh. But, now I officially have two birthday presents. I also got a gift card from Jim's mom because she is cool like that. They are nice ladies. Thanks again, both of you.

Ok, bed time.

UGH.

I don't feel great today. DESPITE my sister telling me about her bad dream and how she woke up saying "bad dream bad dream bad dream."

I hate days like today. I want to sleep in but then I have nothing/no time to do anything else before work. Well, before I go in to work to beg someone to let me have their shift.

Jen said I should ask grandma for moving money. You know, I WOULD, but I'd feel really bad asking my grandma for money. She's the only person in the family who HAS money right now (and it's not like she's a millionaire).

I really hope I can get back by the 20th. That'd be so great... and perfect.

So, I'm listening to the new Harry Potter soundtrack on AOL music (aol is so great)... and man, the music is REALLY good. Two of the members of Radiohead play in the "nameless band" featured at the Yule Ball (it's supposed to be called "the weird sisters"). The lyrics are kind of stupid, but the music sounds GREAT. I wish I was British.... they really know how to be cool.

I do like how they repeatedly say "Creature of the night" in the song "Do the Hippogriff," though. I think I did that two years in a row, too. :)

I hate the mail here. My sister over nighted me a CD and it still hasn't come yet (she sent it on Thursday) and Christy, just so you know (since you said almost two weeks ago to check my mailbox in a week), I haven't gotten anything.

I should go shower....