I woke up feeling pretty crappy this morning. I started sneezing a LOT yesterday (more than I have since I came back from LA) and my throat was on fire. I drank a lot of tea and some of that Airborne stuff (which is disgusting, by the way) and I feel a little better... but I also feel like a mess because

A. We were at rehearsal for 6 hours

B. We had to sing through the equivalent of the entire show like a million times

C. We (re)staged the lashes/crucifixion and then ran all of act 2 and I may or may not need to tell you how emotionally difficult it is.

I don't think I've ever acted more in a crowd scene in my life. I am acting my ass off. I had to take a time out after we staged and ran the 39 lashes scene because I was just a mess. I HATE IT. I hate that scene because I DON'T have that desire to see people or things tortured that TK was talking about (running of the bulls/violent video games/whatever). I just feel.... evil.... and sad. And we're just so angry and we're "beating" this guy and screaming and it's all so twisted and messed up and most people either start or are about to cry in that scene because it is SO intense. So, that was hard.... but I like Act 2 a lot. Way better than act 1. Mainly because act 2 doesn't have any lepers. My favorite scenes right now are the trial before Pilate (because Allison and I are the only girls in it) and "Superstar" where I can "forgive" myself for the horror that's just happened in the lashes scene. I know this is a play, guys.... but I for some reason feel like doing the situation justice.

Anyway, so the massive amount of work we did during rehearsal did NOT help me feel any better (go figure) and now I am just.... conflicted. I know staying home to rest would be the SMART thing to do when I'm not feeling great and I definitely would during any other day off.... but its tomorrow. It's the 17th of July. And if all my friends are at Geauga Lake and I am home alone (although I already know that scenario won't happen as Ali is amazing and said she could never leave me alone on a day like that) because I am sick and have to think about it ALL DAY..... I just... obviously... will not be happy. I think I'd rather take my mind off it. And I know it's STUPID and I shouldn't even feel this way at all and it's probably really pathetic and disgusting... but I can't help it. I can't help the way I feel about this... and I think I have the right to be dreading tomorrow and even the right to be sad about it. I do not, however, think a lot of people that I know understand the extent of how hard this is for me and how part of me secretly DOES want to stay home and just cry. It's just that I only have so many days off and Jessie, Griffin and Dan will be going away in a couple of weeks and we will never get this time together back so I want to enjoy it as much as possible and I would definitely not enjoy staying at home to cry. But I also want to get better and more importantly at the moment, not get WORSE but I really don't see how I can have it both ways right now. I mean, MAYBE I'll wake up tomorrow and feel amazing and be able to go and have fun and not think about anything and not get more sick.... but what are the chances of THAT happening? Especially because everything has already been SO hard with this whole situation... it seems like destiny will make it hard. Like there's no other choice.

Anyway, don't follow this link unless you want to see the epitome of being pathetic.....