Awwww. I went to the HP. I was so nervous for some reason. RIDICULOUSLY nervous... like, I walked inside and then got so scared that i walked right back out the door. I never did have my conversation with Geoff, either. Heather and Jim Williams walked me upstairs and then I saw Jess and Greg and it was just like... the conversation was never going to happen and I knew it. Kevin is back this year, too. Kerry made me sit in on a little of the 1776 rehearsal which was fun. I was really happy because Shaina is playing Martha Jefferson, which is the role I was hoping they would cast her in. She sounded FANTASTIC. I am definitely going to go see this production... whether or not anyone comes with me!!! (Although, I want people to come with me.) I miss that place. If there's two things I should be a spokesperson for, they're the Huron Playhouse and Lipton iced tea. I am just so enthusiastic about both of them.

Now for this nervousness.... I got really nervous when I went back to Kent, too. Bryan will probably remember this more than anyone else since he was the first person I saw there. I think I just realized why it happens... I have SO MANY good memories from some places that it's almost... painful. Like at Huron... for some reason that summer I was "the pretty girl." That had never happened to me before OR AFTER Huron.... but there I was pretty. And I will probably never get attention like that ever again. Whenever I go to see a show there I feel like *I* have to live up to who I was there and that the place has to, also. It's always the same, though. Kent was the same and Huron is the same (with some different people). This isn't coming across the way I want it to... Ok... it's like this. Say you admire... someone famous. You get this idea of what they would be like in person... how nice they would be to fans and stuff, whatever. One day you get to actually meet them and they don't live up to ANY of your expectations.... and you wish you had never done it because it ruined the image from your mind. THAT is why I get so nervous lately. I'm too afraid of being disappointed. I'm afraid of something happening that would overshadow everything good that I remember.

And I mean, that's CRAZY... I usually forget the bad details of things anyway... I just want SO BADLY to be happy that I seem to not want to even take the risk anymore. I'm playing it way too safe. It's like... I'd rather NOT GET HURT again than do... anything... apparently. Even if said "anything" could make me happy.

Wow, I am so much more messed up from this than even *I* realized.

At least I KNOW IT, though. At least I am not denying that I am messed up and have some serious issues, now. God, I feel bad for the next person who dates me. They're gonna have a real mess on their hands. I have now officially scared any blog readers who may have wanted to date me away.

You know, the first time I read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (HP5!) I was so mad at Harry in it. He's terrible. He's mean and moody and I couldn't understand why she would write him like that.... but I do now. I know a lot of people think what I have been going through isn't a very big deal... that it's not the same as a divorce or a death and it can't possibly be that bad. This is the first REAL loss I've ever had. I have never been so sad for so long and I have definitely never been afraid of taking a risk... but I still am sad. I'm sad and I'm angry and I think about it ALL THE TIME.... and I have to deny it just as much as I think about it. I don't even know which is worse---the mask or the fact that I HAVE to wear it.

This is why I got a full sore on my "Way of the World" essay.

I truly believe right now that I will never be better... I'll pretend I'm ok and you may observe me being happy at times (and that is a step up from the pre-February stage where I was seemingly unable to feel ANY kind of happiness) but completely "better" just feels... impossible. I feel like something is going to have to happen or CHANGE for me to reach that point... but I have no idea what it is or how/if it will happen.

Happy Tuesday, everyone!